Herbs For Male Menopause

by loudfrogs | 2:44 AM in | comments (0)

Male menopause is when a man of middle age experiences a decrease in testosterone levels. This decrease can lead to things such as depression, hot flashes and other similar symptoms that menopausal women will experience, with the exception that men will retain their fertility.

There has not been a lot of scientific and medical research put into male menopause. Some people, even doctors, rarely even acknowledge that it exists. Testosterone replacement therapy is one option; however there are also some herbal remedies available which some men have found relief from using.

Some popular male menopause herbs are at, raspberry leaf, black cohosh, wild yam, damiana and saw palmetto. In fact, this combination of herbs is available as special formula put together to treat the symptoms of male menopause.

Men who want to try this treatment option can either take the herbs in tea, capsules or as a tincture, depending on where it is purchased from. Herbal stores will usually stock all forms of the formula so you can choose whichever you are most comfortable with.

Male menopause herbs can assist in alleviating symptoms such as mood swings, irritability and depression. The formula should be taken up to twice a day for 4-5 days per week. Manufacturers claim that if men take the treatment and couple it with healthy eating and exercise, then he will reap maximum benefits.

It is not recommended to take the herbs for long periods of time. Two to three months is a good time frame, with a break in between.

There herbs notable for relieving male menopause symptoms are ginseng, licorice and shizandra. This formula is also available in various forms.

Male menopause herbs are good alternative for men who are not confident in going through testosterone replacement therapy. Consider it as a serious relief option if you are going through male menopause.

Male Menopause Treatment

by loudfrogs | 2:42 AM in | comments (0)

Male menopause treatment can be a bit of a gray area due to the fact that most men simply do not seek any treatment. Those who do seek treatment rarely realize they are going through menopause, they may just think there is something else wrong with them. Doctors often will not even make mention of male menopause when discussing treatment options.
Obviously, male menopause is still a taboo amongst most men.

Male menopause treatment is often difficult to undertake due to the fact that the signs are difficult to diagnose. In most cases, the effects of male menopause are treated, rather than the cause as is the case with female menopause.

Thankfully, doctors and specialist are beginning to acknowledge the existence of male menopause and are devising treatments for men who are going through it in their middle age.

Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) treatment now exists for male menopause, just as there is the very well known Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) for women. The aim of Testosterone Replacement Therapy is to bring the level of testosterone back to a healthy level. When the testosterone levels are increased men will notice less symptoms than they had before the treatment. It should be noted that Testosterone Replacement Therapy is NOT a treatment for impotence or erectile dysfunction.

Not all men will go through male menopause, unlike women who unfortunately can't get out of it. When women go through menopause they ultimately lose their fertility. This does not happen to men and is the reason why men can continue to reproduce well into their older years.

Male menopause treatment has undergone tests and studies which have not clearly proven that TRT improves sexual function in older men. It does however treat the lifelong problem of testosterone deficiency. That is, the treatment usually lasts for life if it is to be effective; it is not a short term treatment for male menopause.

Male Menopause and Depression

by loudfrogs | 2:41 AM in | comments (0)

Male menopause and depression are commonly linked. Low testosterone levels have been known to bring on depression in middle aged men, similar to that of female menopause (although the process is quite different to a female).
Male menopause is not publicly talked about in the same way as female menopause is. In fact, many people including men refuse to even believe that male menopause exists. They may even refer to it instead as a 'mid life crisis' for fear of associating themselves with a condition more synonymous to women's health. Many men feel it is 'weak' and unmanly to seek help for depression he may be feeling due to the drop in testosterone levels that can occur during male menopause.
Male menopause and the underlying depression can set in from anywhere after forty years of ago. Some men begin producing less testosterone as early as their late 30's, however the 40's and 50's are the most common periods for reduced testosterone production and the onset of male menopause.
Male menopause does not even receive a significant amount of attention in the scientific field. This is a shame as male menopause can lead to serious bouts of depression in middle aged men; therefore it is well worth researching. Depression in men can lead to anger and aggression - quite the opposite to how women handle and react to depression when they are going through menopause. Women tend to become withdrawn, whilst men lash out.
Male menopause and depression comes about usually because of the fact that impotence and erectile dysfunction can set in. This is obviously highly distressing for a man which in turn leads to feelings of ill-worth and depressive thoughts. He may begin to think that it is his fault without realizing that he is actually going through a form of menopause.
Some symptoms of male depression during menopause are denial, aggression and occasionally complete withdrawal from regular activities. Statistics say that up to 80% of adults with depression will never seek help - this is an alarmingly high number of people who will never acknowledge that they are depressed, let alone try to combat it.
Male menopause and depression should be researched and spoken about openly - after all that is the only way to help combat it.

Symptoms Of Male Menopause

by loudfrogs | 2:40 AM in | comments (0)

Male menopause symptoms are similar to those experienced by a female as she is going through menopause in her middle age. There is one big difference to the outcome though - women will lose their fertility whilst men will not.

The symptoms however are remarkably the same, it's just that male menopause is rarely talked about whilst female menopause is almost an everyday phrase.

Male menopause or andropause as it is otherwise known (men shy away from men's menopause at the best of times, calling it menopause can be rather offensive) is when there is a decrease in the testosterone hormone level. This can occur during or just after a man hits middle age and some common symptoms and effects are anxiety, depression and sexual dysfunction.

The most common age for andropause to start showing symptoms is in the 45-55 age range and continuing up to 70 years old and beyond.

Male menopause symptoms can include (and they vary from person to person):

- Low libido
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Irritability/mood swings
- Hot flashes
- Night sweats
- Listlessness
- Erectile dysfunction

Men experience less intense menopause symptoms compared to women. Men also tend to cope with it in a differing manner than female (i.e. they may lash out more whilst women will bottle up their feelings inside).

Male menopause symptoms can put a strain on a relationship, particularly if he is experiencing erectile dysfunction which obviously has a direct impact on his partner. Men may experience a low libido and erectile problems.

Of course, it is wise to visit a doctor if these male menopause symptoms begin to have a negative impact on your life and relationships. Although men are known now to acknowledge male menopause, more and more doctors are opening up to the fact that it does exist (even if they don’t want to call it menopause, that is where the term andropause has come in) in some form, and that it should be treated with the care and respect that women receive when they are going through menopause.

Male Menopause

by loudfrogs | 2:39 AM in | comments (0)

Male menopause? 'Is there such thing?' I hear you say. The answer is simply yes, there is indeed a phenomenon called male menopause and this site is dedicated to finding the facts and figures about this little talked about condition that affects men worldwide.

Everyone knows that women go through menopause once they hit the middle age mark. They experience symptoms such as hot flashes, hormonal changes, depression and irritability.

There is another name for male menopause - andropause. Andropause is used to replace the word menopause because many people believe that men are not going through the same changes as women do, therefore it should not be called menopause. As mentioned, male menopause is different from female menopause. In women, the sex hormones completely reduce and eventually disappear which then leads to loss of fertility.

Men however will not lose their fertility after male menopause as testosterone is still produced. Sperm production continues as well which is why men can have babies right into their elderly years.

Andropause can actually be brought upon by things such as depression, obesity and dementia. It can also occur naturally. Only some men will experience a significant drop in testosterone levels in their 40's and beyond. Many men keep healthy levels well into their 80's.

Even though male menopause is different from female menopause, the symptoms are still rather similar. Hot flashes, sweats, muscle aches, fatigue, mood swings and depression are all common symptoms of andropause.

In the same way as women can get hormone replacement therapy, there is such thing as Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). This treatment boost the hormone levels however should not be confused for erectile dysfunction treatment as it does not have an effect on that area of a man's health.

Male menopause is not talked about often as men are less inclined to talk about their symptoms compared to their female counterparts. However it is an important and real issue which should be addressed and spoken about more openly by those who are experiencing it.

Not So Happily Ever After

by loudfrogs | 9:34 AM in | comments (0)

It has long been known that men reach their sexual peak around age eighteen and women reach theirs in their mid-thirties. It certainly explains a few things - like Anne Bancroft hooking up with Dustin Hoffman, and the modern day equivalent Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. But it also causes problems, as this week's reader relates:


I read your columns regularly and after much thought decided it was a good idea to write to you. I have been married for about four years and ours was a love marriage. Both me and my hubby are in our early 30s. When we were dating, we did a lot of fun things together like all couples would, and enjoyed a great deal of physical intimacy. We stopped short of having sex, keeping it for post-marriage. After we got married, we were constantly looking for free time to have sex...at times we would rush home from office just to be with each other, in bed.

However, now my husband is gradually losing interest. While he responds if I make the first move, he won't caress me or fondle me the way he would if we were having sex say after ten days. For me, like for any other woman, foreplay is very important and this half-hearted sex gives me no pleasure. I try to control myself (from making the first move), but it's very difficult. I end up initiating sex every two or three days and he does respond, but I can make out that he does it grudgingly and I don't enjoy it then. He is a caring and loving hubby, but I am losing my patience now.

Could you please suggest whether it's a good idea for me too to wait for a week or ten days or continue initiating the first move, risking the fun quotient.



As a woman, I feel your pain. In fact, most women, at one time or another, have encountered exactly what you're talking about. From your letter it sounds like your biggest disappointment is the loss of the physical intimacy, and that's certainly a huge concern. But before I discuss my advice on waiting a week, or continuing to initiate sex, I'm going to talk about what could be the problem generally.

The most likely possibility is that he's just getting older, and as men get older, their libidos can vary greatly. Obviously there will be some men who are eighty years old and still working it (see Hugh Hefner and his three hotties), but generally as guys age, their testosterone levels can begin to drop, and with that comes a drop in libido. Unfortunately, this also tends to be accompanied by other things that affect libido. For instance, a man in his early thirties who has been married a couple of years is probably starting to feel the pressure of providing for his family, the possibility of having children, and the stress and anxiety that comes with that. And if that wasn't enough to distract him from marital pleasures, he's probably entering a time in his career where he's given increased responsibility and with that comes more stress and anxiety. Basically stress and anxiety are the death knell to any libido, male or female.

What I would suggest is that you actually talk to him about it. It sounds like your relationship is a strong one and that communication is relatively good. I'd say that it's possible that he doesn't even know that you're so frustrated with this situation. Giving him a chance to talk about it may help a couple of ways: 1. he may not have realized just how much his libido has decreased; 2. he may have pressures he hasn't shared with you that are contributing to his stress, and discussing them between you may help; 3. it'll give him a chance to make some effort to change.

In the meantime, I have to say that in my experience, the last thing that helps an ailing sex life is one person placing pressure on the other to perform. It is obviously frustrating to you, as a wife, to feel like you aren't desired by your husband, but for now try to think of it as something that you need to help him through. Most likely it is no reflection on you or how he feels about you. Try giving him a little time to reflect. If you can, wait until he approaches you for sex, but continue to be affectionate with him. Make sure you hug and kiss him as much as before, and he may eventually realize what he's missing.

I would advise, however, that if there isn't some external stressor that is distracting him, you may suggest that he see a doctor to check his hormone levels to make sure he is healthy.

You Just Know

by loudfrogs | 9:23 AM in | comments (0)

Any man who spends any significant amount of effort getting to know a woman will tell you that women are complicated creatures. Men joke about being happy with pizza, beer and a sporting event of even questionable quality, but there is always a little truth in those types of jokes. But one thing that is, for most men, an uncomplicated question, is whether or not they've had an orgasm. There isn't a lot of male orgasm faking, there's not a lot of mystery about whether or not a man has had an orgasm, and most men have absolutely no trouble bringing themselves to completion. Women, on the other hand, are definitely much more complicated.


I am a twenty-two year old male from India and married since two months. I have some questions and I hope you will reply to my query.

First, after having sex with my wife, I asked whether she felt orgasm. She said, "I don't know exactly but I felt that something is leaking from my body." So my question is whether this leaking feeling is called orgasm? If not how can one knows that she has felt orgasm?

Secondly, I don't use a condom because we don't enjoy much in a condom. So what the chances are for conceive? Is there any specific period in which the chances for conceive are higher?



Well, let's start with your second question, and let me be the first to congratulate you on the fact that your wife is probably already pregnant. If you're not going to use a condom, and you don't want to get pregnant, you'll need to use something else. Perhaps your wife can get a prescription for the birth control pill from a doctor (they may be available at some chemist's without a prescription), she can use a diaphragm, or you can try what people refer to as the "Rhythm Method" which is basically trying to do what you're asking about - figuring out when the chances of pregnancy are highest and avoiding sex during those periods. Unfortunately, even people who are religious about that method end up pregnant. There's a joke: What do you call people who practice the rhythm method? Answer: Parents. If that's your decision, there are a couple of different ways to figure out when NOT to have sex.

Women can only get pregnant when they are ovulating (releasing an egg from an ovary). Once an egg has been released from the ovary, it can only survive for about twenty-four hours. Although that sounds like a short period of time of fertility each month, it's not easy to figure out which twenty-four hours, exactly, are the bad ones. One way is for your wife to figure out how long her menstrual cycle is and use a calendar to count the days from the beginning of the cycle (the first day of her period) to the mid-point, 14 days for a woman with a 28-day cycle. Right around the fourteenth day is when ovulation occurs, therefore avoiding sex for a couple of days before and after that day may be your best bet. (Keep in mind that sperm can live within the female reproductive system for up to 72 hours.) Another way is to have your wife take her basal body temperature the first thing every morning for a month. If she has a normal menstrual cycle, her basal body temperature will raise almost one degree immediately after ovulation, and through the first day of the next cycle.

Although I understand you not wanting to use a condom, if you don't want to get pregnant just yet, I'd definitely suggest you use some other method of birth control.


And on to your first question… Obviously I don't know your wife and can't be completely sure, but I would be willing to bet that what your wife has felt, the "leaking" sensation, is not an orgasm. This is partly because I've never heard anything describe it that way, and partly because she seems so unsure. Most women who have had orgasms are not confused about whether or not they have had one. The good news I have for you is that there are physical signs that can tell you whether or not she's having an orgasm.

My suggestion is that you try to give her an orgasm via oral sex, rather than through penile penetration - it'll give you a chance to watch for all the signs I'll describe, and may make it easier for her to orgasm.

First, she'll feel a sort of building feeling that's kind of a combination of pleasure and pressure. As she gets closer to orgasm, her pulse rate will quicken, her blood pressure will raise, and she may begin to pant or breathe quicker. You will also probably notice that there is an increase in vaginal lubrication. As she gets more lubricated, you will be able to use your fingers insider her, and that may also help her reach orgasm. If you're giving her oral sex, you'll notice that her clitoris is getting larger and erect, and the little hood of skin that usually covers it ends up sliding back a bit. As she gets closer to orgasm, you'll see her breasts actually swell a little, and the nipples will start to get hard. When she actually orgasms, her face, neck and chest should flush, and her nipples will almost certainly be hard. Also, if you have your fingers inside her vagina when she orgasms, you will probably feel involuntary vaginal muscle spasms. And she'll probably be moaning your name. If she hasn't gotten there yet, I'm giving you the marching orders to go forth and give your wife pleasure!

The Green-Eyed Monster

by loudfrogs | 9:18 AM in | comments (0)

In the early 1970s, John Lennon wrote a song called Jealous Guy which, aptly, described his feelings of jealousy and his somewhat empty apologies for them. True or not, there's a story that after John Lennon and Yoko Ono got married, John asked Yoko to make a list of everyone she'd ever slept with. At first she didn't take him seriously, but then realized that it was a big deal to him. She even said he didn't like her speaking Japanese because that was something he couldn't be part of. Luckily, this week's reader hasn't yet asked his girlfriend to make a list.


I am a very self analyzing person and am writing some of my self analyses. I am currently in a relationship, we have been together for eleven months now (anniversary coming up :) and we have gotten serious in the past few months. I have a problem in that I am a very possessive person, and often irrationally so. My girlfriend has male friends and I generally do not bother, but there is this particular person I view in negative light, although he is merely a friend and even in a different town, may be because they talk in a mean (friendly) tone with each other, pretending to order around the other.

Maybe I do not like the fact that he is trying to order her around, I am not sure. The problem is that when I see them talking, his scraps in her scrapbook, I get really insecure and put off. I explain logically to myself but am not able to get myself to snap out of that mood. I do not know that person directly, but earlier when asked she has told me about him. They are chat friends and have spoken on the phone occasionally and continue to do so. The other reason I could think of my behavior is maybe that I perceive chat friends in some sort of "desperate" light.

We are getting serious in the relationship and I am very happy about it. I am only scared that my attitude could be a problem to myself and "us". If only I would know why I feel insecure about this and what I should do about it, like, spending lot of time with her, telling her (Wouldn't she also get disgusted of me?) Logical reasoning to myself has only been in vain. Please, please help me, I love her a lot and would not want to ruin this for anything.



I think that the fact that you're aware that this could be a problem is the first step in figuring out how to fix it. Let's go through the information that you've given me. First, you say that you're a very possessive person, and you recognize that it can be an irrational emotion. The fact that you generally don't worry about your girlfriend's male friends is a step in the right direction, so we just need to figure out what it is about this particular guy that causes you concern.

A lot of guys are jealous of their girlfriends or wives spending lots of time with male friends, but usually the time spent is in person. I am one of those girls who has mostly guy friends, so my significant others have always had to figure out how to deal with that. But with that said, I've always tried to listen to my man to figure out what exactly his issue was with a particular friend. It sounds to me like the thing that is bothering you is the way your girlfriend interacts with this guy - if you're as possessive as you say, subconsciously you probably don't appreciate someone else telling her what to do, and it's even worse if she actually does what he tells her to do.

I would say that the best thing you can do is actually talk to her about the situation. You may think that discussing it with her will "disgust" her, but I don't think that will be the case if you go about it the right way. I think the first thing you should do is figure out how close she is with this guy and what kind of relationship they have. Ask her about him casually, and find out how often they talk on the phone and/or online, whether they've met in person, whether she ever plans to meet him, etc. At this point, you could bring up how much this friendship bothers you, but I'd advise you instead to listen to how she talks about him, and try to think rationally about what she says. If she is very forthcoming about her friendship, and when you consider it rationally (imagine she was a female friend describing the friendship - would what she says bother you?) you realize there's nothing to be concerned about, let the situation alone and work on your own confidence in yourself and in your relationship. (Jealousy often becomes a problem when someone feels like the other person in the relationship is "out of their league" - if you're feeling this way, figure out why your confidence has waned, and try to repair it.)

If, however, after you've had some time to think, you're afraid there was some sparkle in her eye when she talked about the guy, or she seemed to be hiding something when you brought him up, then it probably would be a good idea to discuss things with her and explain that you're feeling jealousy. Again, I'd suggest waiting until you're calm, and I'd suggest you think about what it is that you want. Do you want her to cut of all contact with the guy? Would you be fine with their friendship if it was only online? Would you be okay with occasional phone calls? When you feel like you're emotionally ready to do so, tell her that you're not entirely sure why, but this particular friendship makes you uncomfortable. Make sure she understands that you love and trust her, and that you have tried to deal with your own feelings about this but you'd like to get her help. Point out the fact that you have no issue with her other guy friends. See if she has any suggestions. If not, ask if she'd be willing to limit her friendship with this guy to online interaction. The best thing you can do is negotiate a way to deal with the problem - although you may feel like the problem is solely yours, it's probably only 75% you, and 25% the relationship, but if you don't deal with it quickly, things will only get worse.

Indifferent Strokes

by loudfrogs | 9:16 AM in | comments (0)

For a column that appears on Valentine's Day, I'd prefer to write about how to surprise your lover or new lovemaking techniques. Unfortunately, I got the letter below and felt obligated to answer it. But everyone else - have a fabulous Valentine's!


I have been married now for close to a year. I was educated in London and decided to work for my homeland India...and my wife had been brought up in a family that rarely moved out of their hometown in India. However, that said, she is far from shy. The problem is as follows: She has for some unknown reason an extremely lethargic attitude to love, being cozy, even talking sweet things, etc....not to speak of sex.

Her attitude towards me is one of indifference. Even when I spontaneously take note of those little bits, say, offering her water, when only she knows that she is thirsty, etc. But the expression of thankfulness is completely absent. On the contrary, she tries every possible way to distance herself from me even when I show that I am there, say resting on the bed, etc. Now, especially, her interest in sex has been exceedingly low. She is always cold in her approach to the act, never initiates it herself...and when she responds to my initiatives, she makes it excellently clear through her body language that 'okay...let's get it over with it...'

I have the impression, now, that she is doing it only to be in the relationship.

I had tried most of your techniques to increase her enjoyment of lovemaking, however, despite the rarity with which we end up getting intimate or even get to hear sweet somethings from her lips. In normal day-time, she now treats me like a leper, even if I am perfectly on my own and resting on one end of the bed, trying to fondle her hands and fingers or run my fingers through her hair, she actually jerks back.

This she had been doing long before we had sex for the first time after marriage. Why would such behavior occur so consistently? Even after almost a year of marriage?



This is the kind of letter that makes me wish I could talk to the reader to get more information before answering. I can think of several possibilities for the aversion to sex and sexual acts, and a few possibilities that explain her general indifference, but ultimately, only she knows what's really going on. I'll discuss what I think could be the problem, and then try to give you a little advice on going forward.

It sounds to me like this is an arranged marriage on some level - maybe you had some courtship prior to getting married, but if she spurned your touch before you even got married, it seems odd for you to be surprised that she continues to be so cold to you. What it sounds like to me is that your wife was pressured into marriage with you for some reason. I get that from her treatment of you, as well as the fact that you think maybe she has reluctant sex with you "only to be in the relationship." That tells me that you bring something to the marriage (money? standing?) that she can't get easily elsewhere. It also indicates to me that perhaps she had another suitor before you came along and resents the fact that she had to sacrifice her own happiness for whatever it is that you gave her.

Another possibility is that there is a psychological reason for her reactions to you. Perhaps one of her relatives - an uncle, cousin, brother, grandfather, etc - sexually abused her either when she was a child or more recently. Children and young women who are molested can develop the kind of attitude toward sex and intimacy that you've described. If she was physically or sexually abused, it can be a long road to recovery, and as her husband you'll need to be very aware of her feelings. If you think about it, the husband/wife dynamic can easily recreate the same feelings and emotions that a child or young woman feels when abused - you, as the husband, are in control, and she's forced to submit to your desires. The fact that she does so (albeit reluctantly) could be a clue that something happened in her childhood that she needs to deal with.

My advice at this point is to find a way to discuss the problem with her. I know that divorce isn't easy or preferred in your culture, but there are a lot of men who wouldn't have stayed in this kind of loveless marriage for a year, let alone the possibility of indifference for the next forty years. What is the point of having such a cold, unhappy marriage, especially if both parties are unhappy? And what kind of example will you set for your children (assuming you manage to have any considering the infrequency with which you have sex)?

Ask her what's going on, why she married you, and why it is that she treats you so coldly. Another possibility, though I wouldn't say I'd recommend it, is for you to give her back a little indifference. It sounds like you may have become a little too solicitous, and she may actually be annoyed by the amount of attention you give her. When she's resting, let her rest, don't touch her, even if it's to be affectionate. Give her a bunch of space, both physically and emotionally. And see if her attitude changes once she realizes you have also become indifferent.

Finally, to boost your spirits, read Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew" or watch any of the following movies: "Kiss Me Kate," "Beauty and the Beast," "Anna and the King" and if you're desperate: "The Beautician and the Beast." All of those movies are about one person in a relationship overcoming the chilly attitude of the other.

And let me know how it works out.

Every Freakin' Night?

by loudfrogs | 9:12 AM in | comments (0)

In the United States there was a sexual revolution that supposedly happened in the 1960s and 1970s. During that revolution, sex became less a sacred thing between husband and wife, and more a thing between two (or more) friends/strangers/acquaintances/cellmates. The funny thing was that, for a lot of women, it still wasn't fun. They were free to find as many sexual partners as possible, but those partners weren't able to get the women to orgasm. Then in the 1980s and 1990s, American women started focusing on enjoying themselves during sex. Instead of fulfilling their wifely obligations by letting their husbands grind away for two minutes, and roll over and fall asleep, they started insisting on a little "she" time. Shows like Sex and the City exposed the not-so-dirty little secret that women can be professionals, mothers, wives, etc, and still enjoy sex. The hard part, it turned out, was in getting their men to make a little effort. Unfortunately, in some places in the world, sex is still in the 1950s.


I've been married for six months. Both my husband and I had sex for the first time on our wedding night and I have never had an orgasm during sex. (And I know what an orgasm feels like because I masturbate). Every night is same for me: we have sex, my husband explodes within five minutes, and then it's over. He rolls over and falls asleep, and I masturbate to finish myself off. And it's not that he doesn't know about it. He knows very well that he has never given me an orgasm. At times he fingers me and helps me masturbate, but I want to enjoy sex as much as he does. Is it because of his penis? His penis is not that big. It's 5" and not that thick. I don't know what's wrong, please help me. I'm losing hope.


I'll be frank with you... your husband is just being lazy. It likely has very little to do with the size of his penis - 5" is only slightly below average. Unless it's really only as thick as a pencil, it's certainly big enough to do the job. The problem isn't the penis, it's the man.

In talking with a couple of girlfriends recently, they both wholeheartedly agreed that "he knows that first we take care of me, and then we take care of him." I think that your first move is to institute that rule in your house. It's lovely that he "fingers you and helps you masturbate" but if there's any chance of you having an intercourse-driven orgasm, it's only if you're already well on the way toward a non-vaginal orgasm. Get him to use his fingers and/or mouth to get you close to orgasm before he ever gets close himself. When you feel yourself getting very close, tell him then, and only then, is he allowed to put his penis inside. You'll also probably have better luck if you try having sex in positions in which the action of the penis going in and out of your vagina creates friction between your vaginal lips/clitoral hood and your clitoris. The best positions for this are generally ones where you have your legs tightly together - laying face down with your legs together, doggie-style with your legs tightly together, etc.

Another way for you to enjoy it more is to try a position where you or your husband can stimulate your clitoris while he's inside you. There are a lot of tantric methods that allow this, but probably the easiest is for him to lay on his back (men love this), and for you to straddle his hips. If you lean back while he's inside you, both you and he will have access to your clitoris - you can rub it like you normally do while masturbating, and you may find that the added sensation of his penis inside you will push you over the edge.

When it comes down to it, though, you need to tell your husband that sex isn't working for you. Communication in marriage is a two-way street - you say that he knows he has never given you an orgasm, but he may not know that it bothers you. Granted most men would be at least a little embarrassed if their wives had to resort to masturbation on a nightly basis, but it's possible he doesn't even know it's a problem. Tell him you want to try my suggestions because you think it's time you both enjoyed sex.

Whatever Works

by loudfrogs | 9:08 AM in | comments (0)

When I was a freshman in high school, there was a senior named Jonathan Fabb who everyone called Hoover. At the time, I had no idea why they called him that. He was kind of an idiot, so I sort of assumed that it was a "thinker" nickname because his classmates thought he sucked. When I finally asked my older brother, he explained that Jonathan had been found by a couple of his friends naked on the floor of his living room with a tank vacuum sucking vigorously on the head of his teenaged penis. Having neither a penis nor the inclination to stick it into the suction end of a vacuum, I have no idea whether it feels good or not… I just hope it was a wet-dry vacuum.


I am a twenty year old girl living in Pakistan. I've been in a relationship for the last two years, but it's basically a long-distance relationship. I lost my virginity last year. What I want to ask is that is there anything safe other than a dildo that I can use for masturbation? Dildos aren't very easily available here in this country, and I don't want to have to deal with customs if I order it from overseas. What do you think would be appropriate to use?


I'm not really the right person to say what's appropriate for you to use, but I will give you some suggestions, and you can decide what you think is appropriate. I think the most important thing to think about is your safety, so my first bit of advice is no matter what you decide to use, you should definitely go out and buy a stash of condoms to put over your chosen item. If there's some reason a condom won't work - there are sharp edges, abrasive textures, it's too big - it's probably not a good choice for use as a dildo anyway.

The first and probably most easily accessible option is some sort of fruit or vegetable that's properly shaped. A green banana, a properly sized cucumber, a carrot, cob of corn, zucchini… all should take a condom nicely, and work pretty well. Use of a condom is especially important with food items because if, by chance, some bit of the vegetable/fruit breaks off and ends up inside of you, it could cause a nasty bacterial or yeast infection. And the last thing you want to tell a gynecologist is that you're pretty sure you lost a bit of carrot up there. Also, with food items, you'll only want to use it once and throw it away afterwards.

Also easily accessible, and non-suspicion-raising, are things like the handles of screwdrivers, magic markers, some deodorant canisters, large makeup brushes, shampoo or lotion bottles, etc. Basically anything that is in the right shape and size. Look for things that have non-porous surfaces. Unlike with food items, you don't need to worry about leaving parts behind, but you do need to be mindful of sharp edges (on, say, magic markers or bottles). Again, I would suggest using a condom over the item because you have no idea what bacteria, etc, is on your screwdriver, marker, or bottle, and whether you use a condom or not, you should wash the item afterwards with an anti-bacterial soap.

Finally, some precautions: don't use anything breakable (i.e. glass), and if by chance you end up using your homemade dildo for anal penetration, keep in mind that you should only use items that have some sort of "flared" base. The vagina has a natural end-point (the cervix), but things can actually get lost in the rectum. Again, you don't want to be at the emergency room explaining things to a doctor.

As usual, I'd like to hear from the rest of you - both male and female - what methods and devices have you used to masturbate?

Timing is Everything

by loudfrogs | 9:06 AM in | comments (0)

When you first get into a relationship, sex often happens spontaneously. Sometimes it's so spontaneous that neither of you is prepared for it. That can mean sex in semi-public situations, or in the middle of the night when one of you wakes up horny and wakes up the other. It's a heady time. And it can also mean throwing caution to the wind and going for it when, in the past, you've been patient and waited a couple of days. And then there are people who are up just about anything.


I am a 25-year old male from Pakistan. I have been in a relationship for the past three years and we are both pretty serious and happy together as well. We've both gone past the virginity divide. What I am curious about, more than anything, is whether a couple is able to have sex during a female is undergoing her periods. If yes, any precautions that I need to keep in mind?

Secondly, would it be safe to have sex when my wife-to-be is pregnant? I've heard of a few porn orientations to that end but I don't trust that mode for my sex facts. I wouldn't want to harm neither the baby nor my wife. If yes, up until which month is it safe to have sex? Again, any precautions?

Looking forward to a reply.



As to your first question, you certainly can have sex when your girlfriend/wife is having her period. Some women aren't comfortable doing it, and others have no issues with it, but my first advice would be not to assume that she will want to do it. If you decide you want to, ask her before you start in and make sure she's down with it. A lot of women are actually pretty horny while on their periods, and I've even heard that for some women, it's easier for them to orgasm while on their period. There are a couple of things to keep in mind if you're going to have sex while she's bleeding:

- Women have very distinctive flows. Some women may have particularly heavy bleeding on the first day of their period, and then light for other days, and vice versa. You'll probably want to find out from her which days are lighter, and try that first.

- Whether you do it on a light day or a heavy day, it's likely to be messy. Think about it when you're getting ready to have sex because you don't want to spend hours trying to get blood out of sheets, clothes and mattresses.

- You'll probably want to use some lubrication. It may seem like there's enough liquid in the vagina with the menstrual blood, but menstrual fluid isn't lubricating. In fact, it often has the opposite effect - even if she's horny and excited, the friction of intercourse could actually dry her vagina out, and it will make it uncomfortable for both of you.

- You'll also probably want to use a condom. Almost every guy I've ever talked to about this issue have had a weird reaction to finishing and finding blood all over their penis. If you are particularly vigorous, you'll probably end up with blood on your scrotum and thighs, but a condom will make it slightly less messy. A condom is also a decent protection against both STDs and pregnancy. Yes, she can still get pregnant if you have sex while she's on her period. The odds are pretty low but it can, and does, happen.

- Finally, as for oral sex (on her)… your on your own. I've heard of people who are into it, and they all say that a tampon is necessary.


And as for your second question, I'm glad to hear that porn isn't your source for sex advice, but you'll be happy to hear what I have to say about sex while pregnant. It's generally perfectly fine to do it, and most women can have sex, and orgasms, all the way through their ninth month of pregnancy. Here are a couple of things to think about, however.

- Again, listen to your wife's feelings and thoughts on the matter. In the first trimester, she may be too fatigued, nauseated, and anxious about a miscarriage to have sex. If she is, bide your time and know that after a few weeks pass, she will be in a better place physically and emotionally.

- In the second trimester, most women are feeling pretty good physically, and the hormonal surges that cause fatigue, etc, in the first trimester are over. Many women are very into sex, and actually find it more pleasurable than ever. Many report being able to climax easily and more often than usual.

- In the final few weeks of the pregnancy, you may find it awkward to have sex, but it can actually be helpful to your wife. When a baby is overdue, the hormones in semen can actually speed delivery along by sort of softening up the cervix.

- Experiment with new positions. You may find that the old positions you're used to with your wife aren't possible, so try some new things like her on top, or her on her knees. Women often feel better if they can control the depth of penetration while pregnant, so if she's feeling uncomfortable, switch things around.

- Finally, if she has any risk factors for premature delivery, you should talk very frankly with her obstetrician about sex. You should ask whether it's okay for her to have sex and/or orgasms, and if the doctor tells you it's not safe, listen to her.

Don’t Hate the Player

by loudfrogs | 9:03 AM in | comments (0)

The internet has really sort of revolutionized dating and relationships. Desperate singles used to troll bars, dance clubs and supermarkets hoping to meet someone special. When they got really desperate they'd turn to personal ads in newspapers which would read something like: "DWM 38 seeks SWF 19-24 for PDA." And long distance relationships were either the result of people who were together at one point and had to move apart for some reason, or a mail-order bride gone awry. These days, however, the internet has spawned who knows how many "relationships" between people who have never met each other. And although there are certainly happy endings that come out of long-distance internet romances, there are a lot of unhappy endings as well.


Me and my friend Rajat have been friends for around eight years. For about a year, he's had a girlfriend through the internet. They've never met. During this time he also happened to meet another girl at his work. And he began to be interested in her, and proposed to her to be his girlfriend.

She never knew about his romance over the internet. He has lied to the new girlfriend about the internet relationship, and said that it's only a chat friend. Then his girlfriend over the internet came to know about the new girlfriend and wanted to break up with him. And she did breakup, but Rajat would not let her go. He lied to her and said that the new girlfriend is just another female friend. Now he is basically cheating both of the girls.

Moreover Rajat used to tell his close friends that he is not going to marry anyone. And that he is simply fooling around with these girls.

Worried about the welfare of his girlfriend, I called up her and told her that he is cheating on her. There was no trouble for me till this moment. Then, after she came to know the true nature of her boyfriend, she began calling me up and crying. I was able to comfort her for some days. But I know I'm not a great speaker or an advisor. And personally I've never been in love or cheated on anybody. So I would not know what to tell her and advise her to help her get along in her life.

For most Indian girls, love happens once in a lifetime. Or that's what they think. And his girlfriend is no exception. She's gone to the verge of suicide, too. But somehow, by god's grace, nothing happened. Now she is lamenting that she does not have a life, and wonders what's to become of her.

Recently her father died, too, and she is totally depressed. She's like a zombie in her daily life. I'd like to help her to become more confident in herself and get along in life. And to help her realize that if another good chance knocks on her door, she should welcome it. Otherwise she might end up in an arranged marriage.

Tell me, have I done a wrong by betraying my friend? So I'm asking you to help me - tell me about the rules of love. And how one should overcome a break up and getting cheated on?



I'm not sure I can answer whether or not you've done wrong by betraying your friend. Here's why - although I understand why you were compelled to tell the girlfriend he's a cheat, he could certainly make the argument that it was none of your business, and he wasn't really "cheating." Probably both women wouldn't be happy to hear about the other. The online girlfriend he's never met wouldn't be thrilled to find out there's a real, live girl to keep him warm at night, and the in-person girlfriend would be pissed to find out he's been hot-chatting with someone on the internet for a year. But… and this is a big but… he's really just not being honest with both of them. Does that rise to the level of "cheating"? I'm not sure. The in-person girlfriend (which, I'm assuming, is the one you told about the cheating) would need to get to the bottom of the internet relationship, but if he's never met the internet girl and doesn't plan to, is he really cheating? I agree that he's a jerk for not being honest with both of them, but I'm not sure he's a cheater. I suppose if looking back on it, you feel better that the girlfriend can move on with her life, then you did the right thing. Next time I'd say you should talk to him about it first. If you're still friends with him, there will probably be a next time.

As for your second question - how to get over a breakup and getting cheated on - well, different people get over things in different ways. Since she just lost her father, it's completely natural for her to be depressed. As time goes by, though, she will slowly start to come out of the depression. Usually when I hear a story like yours, the "friend" tells the girlfriend because he's got a crush on her himself, but it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here. You should think about her strong points, like what it was about her that made you want to tell her he was cheating, and when you have a chance to talk to her, tell her why you think she's a great person, and why you think she deserves better than Rajat. She's also young, and she has her whole life ahead of her. She deserves to be treated well, not to be lied to, and she will find the right person. She might even find him on the internet! Find Your Kind Online.

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by loudfrogs | 9:00 AM in | comments (0)

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Menses At Work

by loudfrogs | 12:37 AM in | comments (0)

Some weeks I get to give readers exciting advice, like telling girls how to masturbate, and other weeks I need to fulfill the calling of a sexual health advisor. Though this week's column won't win any titillation awards, it might answer some questions women are too shy to ask, and provide more information than the average man wants to know about menstrual apparatuses.

I just came to the United States to get my masters' degree and I have realized that women use tampons instead of pads. Tampons are not available in my country. They seem to be convenient, but I am worried to try them myself. Are tampons better than sanitary pads? Why do American women prefer them? I am also a virgin and my religion requires this, will using a tampon make me not a virgin? Are there other dangers of using tampons? Can I use a tampon and a pad at the same time?


First, welcome to the United States - no doubt the tampon discovery will not be your last surprise in America. I'll take your questions one at a time.

Are tampons better than sanitary pads?

Tampons aren't better or worse than pads. They serve the same function, but for most women it comes down to simple preference. Tampons do have certain health risks that you need to be aware of if you decide to use them (see below), but there are pros and cons to using both. For instance, if you wear a pad and tight clothing, it's possible for people to notice the pad. Wearing a tampon with tight clothing may not be a problem (but I don't know a lot of women who are into wearing tight, white pants during those particular days of the month, despite what American commercials like to show.)

Why do American women prefer them?

I don't know for sure (in fact, I'm not sure they do), but if you're at a college, it's probably true that most young women do prefer tampons. Generally they're more discreet (easier to carry, less noticeable), more comfortable (if it's inserted correctly, you shouldn't feel it), and they let you do more activities freely - if you want to swim while you have your period, you can put in a tampon and it's no problem.

Will using a tampon make me not a virgin?

Tampons do not affect virginity. The definition "virgin" is: A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse. Obviously putting a tampon into your vagina is in no way experiencing sexual intercourse. If, however, your big worry is that inserting a tampon could break your hymen, and having an intact hymen is important to your safety, etc, it is a possibility that using a tampon could stretch or tear your hymen. Different women have different hymens - some have a stretchable membrane that barely covers the vagina, others have a "perforated" membrane which could be broken by inserting or removing a tampon. Because I recognize that in some parts of the world, women can be in danger for perceived immoral conduct, if you fear that this could put you at risk, I'd advise you to stick with pads for now.

Are there other dangers of using tampons?

There is one important health concern that you should be aware of if you decide to use tampons - Toxic Shock Syndrome or TSS. If you open a box of tampons, you will find an insert that discusses the risks, symptoms, and ways to prevent TSS. TSS is a rare bacterial infection that affects a small percentage of tampon users, but if you are careful using tampons you can avoid it. Make sure you wash your hands before inserting a tampon, and be careful to follow the directions that come with the tampons. They are made to be inside you for a very specific period of time. Leaving them inside your body for longer than recommended, or using a tampon with an absorbency level greater than necessary, can cause problems (and TSS). Basically you should use the absorbency level that lets you keep it in for four to six hours without leaking. If, at four hours, your tampon is leaking, you should move to the next level of absorbency. (They come in Light, Regular, Super, and Super Plus, and the absorbency levels are regulated by the government, so all tampon manufacturers have similar absorbency levels.) Again, be sure to read the directions that come with the tampons.

Also, tampons come in "deodorant," but many women find that the perfuming element is irritating. When first trying tampons, stick with the unscented.

Can I use a tampon and a pad at the same time?

Yes, you can. And many women do. In fact, you'll see that there are products called "panty liners" that are quite useful for that purpose. For women who have leakage problems with tampons, or don't want to take the chance, using tampons with a small pad or panty liner is reassuring.

The Female Viagra

by loudfrogs | 10:16 PM in | comments (0)

By DANIEL MARTIN


A new patch for women who have lost their sex drive will become available on the NHS this week.

Its makers say Intrinsa could be the female Viagra - the anti-impotence drug that has transformed the sex lives of hundreds of thousands of men.

The female aphrodisiac will initially only be available on prescription for post-menopausal women with diagnosed sexual problems. GPs will prescribe it on the NHS, with women paying a £6.65 prescription charge.

However it is likely that the patches will later become "lifestyle" drugs bought freely over the counter - used by younger women with no sexual problems who simply want to increase their libido.

The same thing happened with Viagra - around 60 per cent of the men who use it are believed to have no erectile problems. Around 900,000 men in Britain have used it at least once, estimates suggest.

The new treatment for women works by releasing the male hormone testosterone through the skin into the bloodstream.

The patch, which is virtually transparent and about the size of an egg, is worn just below the navel and changed twice weekly.

Manufacturers Procter and Gamble say the patch helped boost the flagging libido in hundreds of women in tests, and increased the amount of sexual activity they enjoyed.

Dramatically successful results were found in menopausal women who had been diagnosed with hypoactive sexual desire disorder, in which libido and sexual activity is reduced - leading to psychological distress.

More than 500 took part in the drug company's six-month study, with half unaware they had been given a dummy patch.

As well as boosting the amount of satisfying sex they had - making love four times more every two months than those wearing a dummy patch - it also increased desire.

Other tests shows it worked on women suffering loss of libido after a hysterectomy.

It was granted a license from the European Medicines Agency in July.

The Intrinsa patches work by increasing the level of testosterone in the blood. Although it is known as the male sex hormone, it is naturally occurring in women too, produced by the ovaries and the adrenal gland. However, levels of the hormone decline with age, sometimes dramatically so after the menopause.

Experts say a half of women having a hysterectomy and others having a premature menopause before the age of 50 could benefit from testosterone therapy.

However, too much testosterone can have unpleasant side-effects, from excessive body hair to liver disorders. That is why the makers went for a patch system rather than a pill, which would have led to too high a dose.

And the patch does not work straight away, unlike Viagra. It takes weeks to have an effect.

Intrinsa works on a completely different principle to Viagra. This is because while 90 per cent of male sexual problems are purely physical, women's sex problems are down to social, phsychological and emotional factors.

So unlike the mechanical problem that Viagra helps to fix in men, women's sexual functioning is about getting in the right frame of mind.

Procter and Gamble say the patches will help women with "female sexual dysfunction", a condition which was recognised only in 1999.

Some campaigners believe FSD is a syndrome invented by the pharmaceutical industry to medicalise the treatment of a social issue.

Many doctors believe that FSD covers at least four different conditions - problems with desire, arousal, achieving orgasm and genital pain - meaning it is unlikely one drug will be able to treat all four.

The Virgin Controversy

by loudfrogs | 6:05 AM in | comments (0)

by Lexy London

Years ago I wrote a column answering a question from man who wanted to know how he could tell, when having sex for the first time with a girl, whether or not she was a virgin. It sparked a lot of controversy in countries where women are seen as a commodity of sorts, and I got many angry emails about the article. But men are still going to want to know if their wife-to-be is a virgin… as evidenced by my first question this week: If we must marry with her, and it is important to prove the virginity, without knowing her what shall we do? I'm assuming that by saying "must marry her" he means that he's assuming he'll be in an arranged marriage. But his next two leaps of logic are where I, and most women, have problems. I don't agree that "it is important to prove the virginity." If it's important to a particular man that his bride be a virgin, and he's anticipating being with that woman for the rest of his life, and he doesn't "know" her, then he needs to make a decision about whether he can trust her. As I've said numerous times, there are lots of different ways that a woman can actually lose her hymen, but STILL BE A VIRGIN! Virginity, in a way, is a state of mind more than it is a state of body. If a woman has not had intercourse, she is still a virgin. The fact that she was born without a hymen, or lost it horseback riding, or exercising, or bike riding, or using a tampon… does not make her any less a virgin. In fact, the obsession with some sort of "proof" of virginity means that you are assuming that you can't trust your wife-to-be at all - you can't trust her to be morally clean, you can't trust her answer if you ask her whether she's a virgin, etc. What an excellent way to start off a marriage. I only hope that she is as distrustful of you and insists you wear a condom because she doesn't trust that YOU are a virgin, because who knows what STDs you could be carrying. One of the really sad things about this problem is that it leads to anxiety on all sides of the issue. Take, for instance, this reader: I would be thankful to you if you would reply to my question. Well I am a guy from India and I want to ask whether touching a girl's vagina and placing your finger inside it slightly will lose her virginity or not? Does a finger harm a girl's virginity? I had a girlfriend and we use to play like that. We never had intercourse, but as I mentioned earlier sometimes, I slightly put my finger inside her. Now she is going to marry next year and I am worried that she will face problems from her husband about it. Please guide me and help me out of this situation. As I said above, technically, she is still a virgin. A finger doesn't "harm" a girl's virginity because she hasn't had sexual intercourse. At least not with you. But as discussed above, that is not what most men are curious about - they want "proof." So my question to you is did she ever bleed when you were playing around? If she did bleed, you may have inadvertently torn her hymen a little bit. If it is torn a little, it may mean that she doesn't bleed when she has sex for the first time with her husband. If her husband is like my first reader, and their relationship is so precarious that he starts the marriage not trusting her, she may need to resort to some subterfuge. As I discussed in my earlier article, for hundreds of years, woman have been worried about "bleeding" on their wedding nights, and have devised various strategies to deal with it. One way is to have a secret vial of chicken blood to spill onto the sheet after her husband has fallen asleep (and trust me, he will). Another is for her to hone her acting skills so that her new husband thinks she's in pain the first time they have sex. But all that advice aside, if she has a decent relationship with her husband to be, I'd encourage her to be honest about what she's done. This week I'll wrap up with a question on the subject from a woman: I think it's only the cheap and dominating nature of men that has lead them to insist on knowing about a woman's virginity. Why does no one ask this question to a man? Why? Are we not supposed to be equal in society? I certainly can't disagree with you. And I have no good answer for you about why no one asks the question of their husband-to-be. It would certainly be good practice to do so because there are definitely men out there who have pre-marital sex and bring home terrible diseases to their new, virgin wives. And yes, we are supposed to be equal in society, but it's pretty clear that we aren't.

Bite the Bullet

by loudfrogs | 12:21 PM in | comments (0)

Over the years I've known many couples who have gotten on the breakup rollercoaster - they are together and happy for a couple of months, then things deteriorate and they breakup, then they are both emotionally and physically lonely for a month, so once calls the other and they get back together. For a couple of weeks the sex is great, and they both try hard not to repeat the behaviors that resulted in the previous breakup. Unfortunately, nothing has really changed, so a couple of weeks later, she does something he hates, and he does something she can't stand, and they once again break up. Only to repeat the whole process. I'll be honest - I have heard of happy marriages coming out of such relationships, but they are definitely in the minority. When you've broken up with someone repeatedly for deal-breaking behavior issues, the odds of either of your changing enough to iron out the relationship kinks are slim to none. However, when the reason you continually break-up and get back together is something like geography, I say change things once and for all, and see if it works.


Help! I've been dating a lady for over four years now. We've been kind of off and on and off, and then on again. Work keeps us traveling, and we live in different cities now. We've had the "where are we headed" conversation a million times, and I'm now just tired of her whining.

I love her, and she loves me, and we both agree that we don't find anyone else interesting enough to start a new relationship. The thing is, I never ask her where she goes or what she does, but she's like a Gestapo agent about what I do. And I never lie, which freaks her out. Not that I whore around or anything, but I do go get a drink with a girl from my work place now and then.

We meet on average once a month, and since I'm a very sexual person, I'm all paws for the first couple of hours. I always get her off too, and she admits she enjoys making out, but she's starting to sexually blackmail me now, know what I mean? "If u don't do this or that, you don't get any." That pisses me off to no end.

I don't know whether I want this dysfunctional relationship to go on, but I really, really love her. Every time we say goodbye, I pine for her. I think of her constantly, and she sleeps in my old gym shirt when we're apart. I look at pictures of us and I just feel blue. I know we're both young and have careers, but are we missing the point? What use is the money and success if we don't have time for each other? I'm just hopelessly confused and feel like shit.



Despite what I said above, it sounds to me like the two of you have been circling real commitment for quite a while - it may just be time for you both to just bite the bullet and make it work. Lots of things in your letter make it sound like you really do have something meaningful with your girlfriend, and if you boil your letter down to the bare bones of "problems," it seems like geography is the biggest issue.

Don't get me wrong, I do understand the impulse for each of you to put your careers first for awhile, but it sounds like maybe it's time to make some compromises. It seems like you're both smart and talented, so it's hard to believe that, with some work, you'd be able to find jobs in the same city. Maybe you don't want to work for the same company (that's understandable), but surely one of you can make a sacrifice so that you can actually be together on a regular basis so that you can really evaluate the strength of your relationship.

Notice I didn't go into any of the smaller issues you described - the jealousy, the sexual blackmail, etc - because I really think that all of them stem from the long-distance nature of your relationship. There are some people for whom long-distance relationships work for long periods of time, and there are others for whom long-distance relationships create no end of emotional and psychological issues. What you've described is exactly what happens to someone who doesn't do well with long-distance. It's awesome that you are so honest with her about your extra-relationship dalliances (I couldn't tell from your letter whether "drinks" with a girl from work included more than drinking), and I have a feeling that if you were living with your girlfriend, and came home at 7pm and told her you'd had drinks with a coworker, she'd have no problem with it. What long-distance does is magnify a person's insecurities: she doesn't know the girl from work, she's probably afraid the girl is more attractive than her, she doesn't know if and/or how you touch the girl (hugs? kisses? ass-grabbing?)� and what she does know about you is that you're a horndog. Likewise, her attempting to control you and the relationship with sexual blackmail is another manifestation of the same problem. She has no control over how things are developing, so she tries to exert control over the one thing she can - sex.

Think about what I've said, and discuss it with her. See if one of you can't bite the bullet and make a move so that you can give your relationship the chance it needs. I think you're on to something - what is the point of money and success if you don't have time for each other?

Whatever Works

by loudfrogs | 12:16 PM in | comments (0)

When I was a freshman in high school, there was a senior named Jonathan Fabb who everyone called Hoover. At the time, I had no idea why they called him that. He was kind of an idiot, so I sort of assumed that it was a "thinker" nickname because his classmates thought he sucked. When I finally asked my older brother, he explained that Jonathan had been found by a couple of his friends naked on the floor of his living room with a tank vacuum sucking vigorously on the head of his teenaged penis. Having neither a penis nor the inclination to stick it into the suction end of a vacuum, I have no idea whether it feels good or not� I just hope it was a wet-dry vacuum.


I am a twenty year old girl living in Pakistan. I've been in a relationship for the last two years, but it's basically a long-distance relationship. I lost my virginity last year. What I want to ask is that is there anything safe other than a dildo that I can use for masturbation? Dildos aren't very easily available here in this country, and I don't want to have to deal with customs if I order it from overseas. What do you think would be appropriate to use?


I'm not really the right person to say what's appropriate for you to use, but I will give you some suggestions, and you can decide what you think is appropriate. I think the most important thing to think about is your safety, so my first bit of advice is no matter what you decide to use, you should definitely go out and buy a stash of condoms to put over your chosen item. If there's some reason a condom won't work - there are sharp edges, abrasive textures, it's too big - it's probably not a good choice for use as a dildo anyway.

The first and probably most easily accessible option is some sort of fruit or vegetable that's properly shaped. A green banana, a properly sized cucumber, a carrot, cob of corn, zucchini� all should take a condom nicely, and work pretty well. Use of a condom is especially important with food items because if, by chance, some bit of the vegetable/fruit breaks off and ends up inside of you, it could cause a nasty bacterial or yeast infection. And the last thing you want to tell a gynecologist is that you're pretty sure you lost a bit of carrot up there. Also, with food items, you'll only want to use it once and throw it away afterwards.

Also easily accessible, and non-suspicion-raising, are things like the handles of screwdrivers, magic markers, some deodorant canisters, large makeup brushes, shampoo or lotion bottles, etc. Basically anything that is in the right shape and size. Look for things that have non-porous surfaces. Unlike with food items, you don't need to worry about leaving parts behind, but you do need to be mindful of sharp edges (on, say, magic markers or bottles). Again, I would suggest using a condom over the item because you have no idea what bacteria, etc, is on your screwdriver, marker, or bottle, and whether you use a condom or not, you should wash the item afterwards with an anti-bacterial soap.

Finally, some precautions: don't use anything breakable (i.e. glass), and if by chance you end up using your homemade dildo for anal penetration, keep in mind that you should only use items that have some sort of "flared" base. The vagina has a natural end-point (the cervix), but things can actually get lost in the rectum. Again, you don't want to be at the emergency room explaining things to a doctor.

As usual, I'd like to hear from the rest of you - both male and female - what methods and devices have you used to masturbate?

Timing is Everything

by loudfrogs | 11:40 AM in | comments (0)

When you first get into a relationship, sex often happens spontaneously. Sometimes it's so spontaneous that neither of you is prepared for it. That can mean sex in semi-public situations, or in the middle of the night when one of you wakes up horny and wakes up the other. It's a heady time. And it can also mean throwing caution to the wind and going for it when, in the past, you've been patient and waited a couple of days. And then there are people who are up just about anything.


I am a 25-year old male from Pakistan. I have been in a relationship for the past three years and we are both pretty serious and happy together as well. We've both gone past the virginity divide. What I am curious about, more than anything, is whether a couple is able to have sex during a female is undergoing her periods. If yes, any precautions that I need to keep in mind?

Secondly, would it be safe to have sex when my wife-to-be is pregnant? I've heard of a few porn orientations to that end but I don't trust that mode for my sex facts. I wouldn't want to harm neither the baby nor my wife. If yes, up until which month is it safe to have sex? Again, any precautions?

Looking forward to a reply.



As to your first question, you certainly can have sex when your girlfriend/wife is having her period. Some women aren't comfortable doing it, and others have no issues with it, but my first advice would be not to assume that she will want to do it. If you decide you want to, ask her before you start in and make sure she's down with it. A lot of women are actually pretty horny while on their periods, and I've even heard that for some women, it's easier for them to orgasm while on their period. There are a couple of things to keep in mind if you're going to have sex while she's bleeding:

- Women have very distinctive flows. Some women may have particularly heavy bleeding on the first day of their period, and then light for other days, and vice versa. You'll probably want to find out from her which days are lighter, and try that first.

- Whether you do it on a light day or a heavy day, it's likely to be messy. Think about it when you're getting ready to have sex because you don't want to spend hours trying to get blood out of sheets, clothes and mattresses.

- You'll probably want to use some lubrication. It may seem like there's enough liquid in the vagina with the menstrual blood, but menstrual fluid isn't lubricating. In fact, it often has the opposite effect - even if she's horny and excited, the friction of intercourse could actually dry her vagina out, and it will make it uncomfortable for both of you.

- You'll also probably want to use a condom. Almost every guy I've ever talked to about this issue have had a weird reaction to finishing and finding blood all over their penis. If you are particularly vigorous, you'll probably end up with blood on your scrotum and thighs, but a condom will make it slightly less messy. A condom is also a decent protection against both STDs and pregnancy. Yes, she can still get pregnant if you have sex while she's on her period. The odds are pretty low but it can, and does, happen.

- Finally, as for oral sex (on her)� your on your own. I've heard of people who are into it, and they all say that a tampon is necessary.


And as for your second question, I'm glad to hear that porn isn't your source for sex advice, but you'll be happy to hear what I have to say about sex while pregnant. It's generally perfectly fine to do it, and most women can have sex, and orgasms, all the way through their ninth month of pregnancy. Here are a couple of things to think about, however.

- Again, listen to your wife's feelings and thoughts on the matter. In the first trimester, she may be too fatigued, nauseated, and anxious about a miscarriage to have sex. If she is, bide your time and know that after a few weeks pass, she will be in a better place physically and emotionally.

- In the second trimester, most women are feeling pretty good physically, and the hormonal surges that cause fatigue, etc, in the first trimester are over. Many women are very into sex, and actually find it more pleasurable than ever. Many report being able to climax easily and more often than usual.

- In the final few weeks of the pregnancy, you may find it awkward to have sex, but it can actually be helpful to your wife. When a baby is overdue, the hormones in semen can actually speed delivery along by sort of softening up the cervix.

- Experiment with new positions. You may find that the old positions you're used to with your wife aren't possible, so try some new things like her on top, or her on her knees. Women often feel better if they can control the depth of penetration while pregnant, so if she's feeling uncomfortable, switch things around.

- Finally, if she has any risk factors for premature delivery, you should talk very frankly with her obstetrician about sex. You should ask whether it's okay for her to have sex and/or orgasms, and if the doctor tells you it's not safe, listen to her.

Masturbation Aerobics

by loudfrogs | 11:36 AM in | comments (2)

There is often something lost when writing a sex advice column for people who live in a completely different world. And I really mean it. As a woman living in the United States, I know there are just some cultural things I'm not going to understand in, say, Pakistan or India. Well, this week I called in help from my best-Indian-transplant-friend just to make sure I wasn't missing some cultural superstition.


I am 20 years old from Pakistan and I'm in serious trouble. I am a regular reader of your columns on orkut. I find it very interesting and very much related to my own life. I thought of it as an authentic source but in recent days I have assumed that your most of suggestions were wrong. I will give you my own example & then ask (again) for your advice to help me. I have been masturbating for quite a long time, almost since I first got access to internet in 2000. At first, I had no idea what it was - I thought it was urine, but I had got addicted to it. And for the last four or five, years I'm doing the above on a regular basis. Mostly I look at pictures on the internet, movies, or TV programs. I have never had sex as it's not allowed in our area/religion.

Also I am a good athlete and sportsman and excel in studies as well. I was a brilliant student of my school, but gradually I loosed in my studies. And the basic query is about my body. I am losing it. I hope you understand. The meat and fats on my hands/knees/hips/skull/face is almost gone. I am much too skinny now. I also have done martial arts, but now my muscles are slowly fading away. My tummy has come out proportionally and my chest has moved backwards. I play football, squash, swimming, martial arts etc. Even my back, there are just bones; and I was not like this. And this is all because of masturbation. In your articles I read that this is no supernatural thing but look at me NOW! I need your help... please tell me how can I go back to my original body? And how can I stop doing this?

Also I have another serious problem which is related to the first one. When like for three or four days I don't fanaticize and try avoiding it, then what happens? Like what happened last night; in a dream I was having sex with a girl and then when I was about to cum in the dream, my eyes opened and I came for real! How do I stop it? I had no intentions but still...

In the porn pictures I have seen girls and boys whose hip and chest bones are almost visible with no meat on them. It's all because of that. And you said it won't harm you!



So, first, my Indian friend who is in his late twenties and grew up in Delhi assures me that he has never heard of this particular superstition. From other questions from readers, I've gathered that it must be a common misperception in your culture. Why, I'm not sure. In fact, if you read the article I linked to above, you'll find that that reader didn't even masturbate!

Is it possible that your rigorous masturbation schedule has somehow eaten away your body? Burned the fat from your bones and eaten away your muscles until you're nothing more than a skeleton? No. It's not. It's medically impossible. Here's why: (for the following analysis, I'm going to assume you weigh 170 lbs) Let's say you masturbate three times a day, which I actually doubt because it's a bit excessive. But let's say you do it three times per day, and each time you do it for 15 minutes (which is probably an over-zealous estimate). If, instead, you were running at 5 miles per hour, you would burn about 150 calories for each 15 minute stint. Now, obviously the amount of energy and effort you put into running would be significantly more than the amount you'd put into masturbating� unless you tend to yank it while running on a treadmill. So, running for the same amount of time would burn about 450 calories, and having 45 minutes of moderately vigorous sex with someone else burns about 90 calories. The average man eats a couple thousand calories worth of food a day. So how could, at the highest estimate of three times per day, at the most possible calories burned of 100 calories per day, you possibly lose so much fat and muscle that you've turned into a skeleton? You can't. It's impossible.

So something else is wrong. Are you eating enough protein and vegetables? I have no idea what kind of diet you are eating, but if you are actually expending a lot of energy in sports, etc, you need to eat enough calories to maintain your weight. But no matter what, it's NOT your masturbation habit that has wasted you away. In fact, after talking to my Indian friend, I suggest you go to a doctor soon and discuss the situation. It's possible this is a manifestation of the final push of puberty (are your parents particularly thin?) or you have a medical condition or something like a tapeworm that is taking all the nourishment you're putting into your body and your body isn't getting the food it needs. Please see a doctor and get a check-up.

Two final points:

1. I guess it is true that most people in internet porn (and porn generally) are thin. It's not because they have wasted away due to excessive orgasms, however. It's because that is what people find attractive the world over.

2. What you've described happening to you upon waking up from a dream is called a "wet dream" and it's what happens to all men when they haven't orgasmed for a certain period of time. Basically, the testicles make semen around the clock, and the factory can only hold so much product. If you don't get it out by masturbating, the body takes care of it by giving you a sexy dream, and you have and orgasm either in your sleep or as you're waking up. It's perfectly normal and the only way to stop it is to masturbate every few days.

Desperate Housewives

by loudfrogs | 11:33 AM in | comments (0)

All over the globe there are people whose religious beliefs inform their life choices� In the United States we have someone like Monica Goodling, aide to Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, who went to Messiah College and Pat Robertson's Regent University Law School where they "seek[] men and women who are dedicated to becoming Christian leaders who will change the world for Christ." Apparently Ms. Goodling's strong Christian beliefs have led her to refuse to testify in front of the Senate lest she perjure herself. I'm assuming she's saving herself for marriage, but she was unreachable for comment on that issue. Many of my readers, however, actually do hold strong religious beliefs and really do save themselves for their future spouses. And even though sometimes they regret it, I still applaud their fortitude.


I love your wit and sensitivity with which you handle queries and hence this mail. I am writing this to you right after yet another failed session of sex, so you may now understand the gravity of the situation. Now let me start from the beginning.

I got married about a month ago to a guy with whom I've had a long distance relationship for almost a decade! In this long period we finished high school, college and went on to get our master's degrees, of course with masturbation throughout (I've never put my fingers inside so I presume that I've reached only clitoral orgasms). During this long time, we met briefly just a couple of times and did make out but decided to keep sex for our marriage. And that I think is the biggest mistake we made.

Whenever we had our times together (before marriage), I used to gush like a waterfall. I don't recollect ever getting so wet after marriage. In fact, I get wet much less� I don't purr at all like I used to.

When we have sex now (I don't think I can entirely claim that term) everything is fine until he starts inserting. I tighten up and focus on what he's trying to do instead of losing myself. (We have tried using KY) The same thing happens when he tries to finger me, so I guess it's a psychological problem as I am 1000% sure that I love him MORE now, though I can't really say that I enjoy sex post-marriage. But I do want to do it and I do initiate it a lot of times, which is a good sign.

I've tried working things out myself by watching porn, and things do seem fine then because I do get very wet and one lone finger seems fine. But then again I recoil if he approaches me.

The latest solution I've thought of is to maybe buy a vibrator, open myself up at my pace and time, but I don't want to end up liking it more than my guy! Neither do I want to get dependent on it. All of this sounds fine until I begin work which could be in a week's time and I don't really know what is going to happen then.

My husband is really supportive of me and doesn't force me into anything, but after sex I feel so empty, so incomplete� I do want to know, feel and experience what women across the globe have been enjoying. I DO NOT want to join the desperate housewives club :(



I don't like to start my response to reader questions by saying "It's all in your head" but it is possible that there is a substantial psychological component to what you're describing. What probably happened (and happens to a lot of brides) is that the first time you tried to have intercourse, it hurt. And whether it hurt a lot, or just a little bit, your body didn't like it and now your mind doesn't like the idea of it hurting again. Basically, when you are sexually excited, your vagina releases lubrication, but when there is pain or the possibility of pain, you dry up faster than spit on a desert highway.

The fact that you can still get very wet from watching porn (and I'm assuming from masturbating) means that you're probably just anticipating pain and discomfort. I think that your instinct about slowly opening yourself up with a toy is good. Let me allay your fears, however - you're worried about liking a toy better than your man but at this point you don't like your man at all. If you're truly worried about that, try getting just a dildo instead of a vibrator. The reason that some women get "addicted" to their toys is that a vibrating dildo can help them reach orgasm when manual stimulation doesn't do it for them. It doesn't sound like you have trouble orgasming, so I'd suggest you stick to a plain dildo� in fact, I'd suggest you get several, in varying sizes.

They make small ones and some so large you'll look at them and wonder what in the world they're for - get two or three in sizes that graduate from a little larger than one of your husband's fingers, up to about the size of his penis. There's no real need for you to go larger. What you should do is put yourself on a schedule of using the small one for a couple of weeks, then the medium sized one for a couple of weeks, and then the largest. Once you've gotten yourself used to the smallest sized dildo, think about involving your husband in the process. Explain to him what you're trying to do. Let him watch you masturbate, and then ask if he wants to "help" you. I'll bet he does.

Finally, when you decide to try to have intercourse again, try to get as relaxed as possible. If you are allowed to drink alcohol, maybe have a drink or some wine. Take a bath and ask your husband to give you a slow, sensual massage followed by as much kissing and fondling as your husband can take. The more relaxed you are before the action begins, the more likely you are to enjoy it. Also, try to orgasm before intercourse - orgasming releases lubrication, and that could also help. Finally, have faith� it will get better!

What You Need to Know About HIV/AIDS

by loudfrogs | 8:57 AM in | comments (0)

by Lexy London

Over the past couple of months I've privately answered several questions about sexually transmitted diseases, but this one is serious enough that it deserves to be answered in public. The question comes from a reader in the United Arab Emirates.

I have several questions about AIDS:

I wanted to know that, how someone can understand he/she's got AIDS or not? Are there any signs for this disease? If yes, does it take a long time for them, to appear? Can using a condom guarantee not to get AIDS?


AIDS is an acronym that stands for Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. Acquired means that it is something one can become infected with, rather than something passed genetically by parents. Immune Deficiency describes the action of the disease - it compromises the body's natural immune system. And the word Syndrome is used because it's not like, say, heart disease which has several specific symptoms that add up to a disease. When someone is infected with AIDS, there are many different health problems that person may or may not have. I will discuss those below.

AIDS is caused by a virus called the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV), and it's important to recognize the difference. Someone can be infected with HIV for many years before they develop symptoms of AIDS. When someone is infected with HIV, their body attempts to fight the virus and creates antibodies to attack the virus, but these antibodies don't develop immediately, either. Because an HIV blood test searches for the HIV antibodies, if someone has recently been infected with HIV, they may test negative yet still be passing the virus to others.

When someone is first infected, they may have flu-like symptoms for a couple of weeks while their body tries to fight the virus, including a fever, swollen glands, headache and stomachache. However, not everyone gets these symptoms - many people have no idea they have been infected. During this early period of infection (called "acute-HIV infection"), the infected person has a very high blood concentration of HIV which makes transmission to others as much as 20 times more likely.

After the acute infection passes, the virus remains in the body. The body continues to create antibodies that try to fight the virus. For years, someone who is infected can show no symptoms at all, but their natural immune system is being slowly damaged. Doctors are able to test for immune system damage by measuring the number of T-helper cells in a milliliter of blood. A normal human has between 500 and 1500 T-cells, and as the disease progresses, this number drops. As the number of T-cells drops, the body becomes less and less able to handle everyday infections like colds, flu, and a cold that should last a couple of days may last a couple of weeks.

When the T-cell count drops below 200, a diagnosis of HIV infection becomes a diagnosis of AIDS. With a T-cell count so low, the immune system cannot fight what is called "opportunistic infections." The Centers for Disease Control has an official list of opportunistic infections in AIDS, but the most common are:

- Kaposi's Sarcoma (KS), a specific type of skin cancer
- Pneumocystis pneumonia (PCP), a lung infection
- Herpes simplex, cold sores that appear around the mouth or nose
- Candida, a fungal infection that can affect your mouth, throat or groin area
- Cytomegalovirus (CMV), an eye infection.

These are the classic "symptoms" of someone infected with AIDS, but as I said above, someone can be HIV positive for years before any of these symptoms appear (the average now is 8 to 11 years). Further someone could have one or two of these "symptoms" and not be HIV positive, nor have AIDS. The only way for you to be sure that you or someone else isn't infected with HIV is to be tested. Also, as discussed above, if you are tested soon after being infected, it is possible to test negative because your body hasn't had time to create the antibodies that the test looks for. Doctors call the time between infection and antibody appearance the "Window Period." For about 95% of people infected with HIV, it takes about three months for antibodies to appear, for others it can take up to six months. For this reason, if you fear you could be infected, it is best to be tested twice - six months apart.

So the next logical questions are "How could I be infected?" and "How can I prevent infection?"

HIV is present in blood, semen, vaginal secretions and breast milk, therefore contact with these fluids from an infected person can lead to infection. Activities that can put you into contact with these fluids are:

Unprotected sexual contact
- Vaginal intercourse: HIV can be passed from an infected male to female and an infected female to a male. Tiny, unnoticeable tears can be caused by intercourse, and create a very hospitable place for the virus.
- Anal intercourse: Like vaginal intercourse, small tears can be made in the rectum which may lead to infection. Unprotected vaginal and anal intercourse are considered high-risk behaviors.
- Oral sex: The mouth is generally an inhospitable environment for the virus, but there have been cases of transmission via both oral-vaginal and oral-penile sex. However, this is generally considered a low-risk behavior.

Direct blood contact
- Use of infected needles: intravenous drug users often exchange needles - using the needle of someone who is infected is a high-risk behavior.
- Blood transfusions from infected blood: although the risk of infection via blood transfusion in the United States is now quite remote, I do not have information on the chances in other countries.
- Accidents in healthcare settings.

Mother to child
- Before or during birth.
- Via breastfeeding: because HIV is present in breast milk, in developing countries this is a primary risk for children of infected women.

To prevent infection during sexual activity, the best protection is a latex condom. According to a Center for Disease Control study of uninfected partners of people who were HIV-positive, latex condoms can be 98-100% effective in preventing transmission of HIV when used correctly and consistently. This means using a latex condom whenever the penis comes into contact with the vagina or rectum, and using it throughout sexual contact. It also means using a new condom for each new instance of intercourse, keeping in mind that oil-based lubricants can compromise the integrity of condoms. Be aware that sheepskin condoms do not prevent transmission of STDs, including HIV because they have tiny holes.

For oral sex, a non-lubricated condom can be used for fellatio, and a dental dam or other latex barrier for cunnilingus.

Also, though the chance of HIV transmission via kissing is remote, there have been cases where open-mouthed "deep" kissing has lead to infection, though doctors believe that it is only possible when both partners have some sort of open wounds in the mouth (sores, gingivitis, etc.) that allow blood to blood contact.

Two final notes:
- If you are infected with HIV, you should not assume that it is "safe" to have unprotected sex with someone else who is HIV positive. Though it may seem harmless, there are different strains of HIV, and you could become infected with two different strains which would obviously be very detrimental to your health.

- This question came from a reader in the United Arab Emirates so I am going to comment on the current state of HIV/AIDS in the Middle East. In 2003, Carol Jenkins and David Robalino issued a report titled, "HIV/AIDS in the Middle East and North Africa: The Costs of Inaction." In their report they worry that the official government numbers for HIV/AIDS infection in Arab countries are extremely low estimates, partially due to the fact that the highest risk behaviors for transmission (homosexual sex, intravenous drug use, and sex-for-hire) are illegal under Islamic law. Although some Middle Eastern countries are making efforts to curb the epidemic, more can certainly be done. Finally, I wish that I could give you advice on confidential or anonymous testing in your country, but that information just isn't available. I urge you, and any other reader who is worried they could be infected, to get a test as soon as possible, and practice safe sex every time.