by Lexy London

Years ago I wrote a column answering a question from man who wanted to know how he could tell, when having sex for the first time with a girl, whether or not she was a virgin. It sparked a lot of controversy in countries where women are seen as a commodity of sorts, and I got many angry emails about the article. But men are still going to want to know if their wife-to-be is a virgin… as evidenced by my first question this week: If we must marry with her, and it is important to prove the virginity, without knowing her what shall we do? I'm assuming that by saying "must marry her" he means that he's assuming he'll be in an arranged marriage. But his next two leaps of logic are where I, and most women, have problems. I don't agree that "it is important to prove the virginity." If it's important to a particular man that his bride be a virgin, and he's anticipating being with that woman for the rest of his life, and he doesn't "know" her, then he needs to make a decision about whether he can trust her. As I've said numerous times, there are lots of different ways that a woman can actually lose her hymen, but STILL BE A VIRGIN! Virginity, in a way, is a state of mind more than it is a state of body. If a woman has not had intercourse, she is still a virgin. The fact that she was born without a hymen, or lost it horseback riding, or exercising, or bike riding, or using a tampon… does not make her any less a virgin. In fact, the obsession with some sort of "proof" of virginity means that you are assuming that you can't trust your wife-to-be at all - you can't trust her to be morally clean, you can't trust her answer if you ask her whether she's a virgin, etc. What an excellent way to start off a marriage. I only hope that she is as distrustful of you and insists you wear a condom because she doesn't trust that YOU are a virgin, because who knows what STDs you could be carrying. One of the really sad things about this problem is that it leads to anxiety on all sides of the issue. Take, for instance, this reader: I would be thankful to you if you would reply to my question. Well I am a guy from India and I want to ask whether touching a girl's vagina and placing your finger inside it slightly will lose her virginity or not? Does a finger harm a girl's virginity? I had a girlfriend and we use to play like that. We never had intercourse, but as I mentioned earlier sometimes, I slightly put my finger inside her. Now she is going to marry next year and I am worried that she will face problems from her husband about it. Please guide me and help me out of this situation. As I said above, technically, she is still a virgin. A finger doesn't "harm" a girl's virginity because she hasn't had sexual intercourse. At least not with you. But as discussed above, that is not what most men are curious about - they want "proof." So my question to you is did she ever bleed when you were playing around? If she did bleed, you may have inadvertently torn her hymen a little bit. If it is torn a little, it may mean that she doesn't bleed when she has sex for the first time with her husband. If her husband is like my first reader, and their relationship is so precarious that he starts the marriage not trusting her, she may need to resort to some subterfuge. As I discussed in my earlier article, for hundreds of years, woman have been worried about "bleeding" on their wedding nights, and have devised various strategies to deal with it. One way is to have a secret vial of chicken blood to spill onto the sheet after her husband has fallen asleep (and trust me, he will). Another is for her to hone her acting skills so that her new husband thinks she's in pain the first time they have sex. But all that advice aside, if she has a decent relationship with her husband to be, I'd encourage her to be honest about what she's done. This week I'll wrap up with a question on the subject from a woman: I think it's only the cheap and dominating nature of men that has lead them to insist on knowing about a woman's virginity. Why does no one ask this question to a man? Why? Are we not supposed to be equal in society? I certainly can't disagree with you. And I have no good answer for you about why no one asks the question of their husband-to-be. It would certainly be good practice to do so because there are definitely men out there who have pre-marital sex and bring home terrible diseases to their new, virgin wives. And yes, we are supposed to be equal in society, but it's pretty clear that we aren't.