Over the years I've known many couples who have gotten on the breakup rollercoaster - they are together and happy for a couple of months, then things deteriorate and they breakup, then they are both emotionally and physically lonely for a month, so once calls the other and they get back together. For a couple of weeks the sex is great, and they both try hard not to repeat the behaviors that resulted in the previous breakup. Unfortunately, nothing has really changed, so a couple of weeks later, she does something he hates, and he does something she can't stand, and they once again break up. Only to repeat the whole process. I'll be honest - I have heard of happy marriages coming out of such relationships, but they are definitely in the minority. When you've broken up with someone repeatedly for deal-breaking behavior issues, the odds of either of your changing enough to iron out the relationship kinks are slim to none. However, when the reason you continually break-up and get back together is something like geography, I say change things once and for all, and see if it works.


Help! I've been dating a lady for over four years now. We've been kind of off and on and off, and then on again. Work keeps us traveling, and we live in different cities now. We've had the "where are we headed" conversation a million times, and I'm now just tired of her whining.

I love her, and she loves me, and we both agree that we don't find anyone else interesting enough to start a new relationship. The thing is, I never ask her where she goes or what she does, but she's like a Gestapo agent about what I do. And I never lie, which freaks her out. Not that I whore around or anything, but I do go get a drink with a girl from my work place now and then.

We meet on average once a month, and since I'm a very sexual person, I'm all paws for the first couple of hours. I always get her off too, and she admits she enjoys making out, but she's starting to sexually blackmail me now, know what I mean? "If u don't do this or that, you don't get any." That pisses me off to no end.

I don't know whether I want this dysfunctional relationship to go on, but I really, really love her. Every time we say goodbye, I pine for her. I think of her constantly, and she sleeps in my old gym shirt when we're apart. I look at pictures of us and I just feel blue. I know we're both young and have careers, but are we missing the point? What use is the money and success if we don't have time for each other? I'm just hopelessly confused and feel like shit.


Despite what I said above, it sounds to me like the two of you have been circling real commitment for quite a while - it may just be time for you both to just bite the bullet and make it work. Lots of things in your letter make it sound like you really do have something meaningful with your girlfriend, and if you boil your letter down to the bare bones of "problems," it seems like geography is the biggest issue.

Don't get me wrong, I do understand the impulse for each of you to put your careers first for awhile, but it sounds like maybe it's time to make some compromises. It seems like you're both smart and talented, so it's hard to believe that, with some work, you'd be able to find jobs in the same city. Maybe you don't want to work for the same company (that's understandable), but surely one of you can make a sacrifice so that you can actually be together on a regular basis so that you can really evaluate the strength of your relationship.

Notice I didn't go into any of the smaller issues you described - the jealousy, the sexual blackmail, etc - because I really think that all of them stem from the long-distance nature of your relationship. There are some people for whom long-distance relationships work for long periods of time, and there are others for whom long-distance relationships create no end of emotional and psychological issues. What you've described is exactly what happens to someone who doesn't do well with long-distance. It's awesome that you are so honest with her about your extra-relationship dalliances (I couldn't tell from your letter whether "drinks" with a girl from work included more than drinking), and I have a feeling that if you were living with your girlfriend, and came home at 7pm and told her you'd had drinks with a coworker, she'd have no problem with it. What long-distance does is magnify a person's insecurities: she doesn't know the girl from work, she's probably afraid the girl is more attractive than her, she doesn't know if and/or how you touch the girl (hugs? kisses? ass-grabbing?)� and what she does know about you is that you're a horndog. Likewise, her attempting to control you and the relationship with sexual blackmail is another manifestation of the same problem. She has no control over how things are developing, so she tries to exert control over the one thing she can - sex.

Think about what I've said, and discuss it with her. See if one of you can't bite the bullet and make a move so that you can give your relationship the chance it needs. I think you're on to something - what is the point of money and success if you don't have time for each other?