When I was a freshman in high school, there was a senior named Jonathan Fabb who everyone called Hoover. At the time, I had no idea why they called him that. He was kind of an idiot, so I sort of assumed that it was a "thinker" nickname because his classmates thought he sucked. When I finally asked my older brother, he explained that Jonathan had been found by a couple of his friends naked on the floor of his living room with a tank vacuum sucking vigorously on the head of his teenaged penis. Having neither a penis nor the inclination to stick it into the suction end of a vacuum, I have no idea whether it feels good or not� I just hope it was a wet-dry vacuum.


I am a twenty year old girl living in Pakistan. I've been in a relationship for the last two years, but it's basically a long-distance relationship. I lost my virginity last year. What I want to ask is that is there anything safe other than a dildo that I can use for masturbation? Dildos aren't very easily available here in this country, and I don't want to have to deal with customs if I order it from overseas. What do you think would be appropriate to use?


I'm not really the right person to say what's appropriate for you to use, but I will give you some suggestions, and you can decide what you think is appropriate. I think the most important thing to think about is your safety, so my first bit of advice is no matter what you decide to use, you should definitely go out and buy a stash of condoms to put over your chosen item. If there's some reason a condom won't work - there are sharp edges, abrasive textures, it's too big - it's probably not a good choice for use as a dildo anyway.

The first and probably most easily accessible option is some sort of fruit or vegetable that's properly shaped. A green banana, a properly sized cucumber, a carrot, cob of corn, zucchini� all should take a condom nicely, and work pretty well. Use of a condom is especially important with food items because if, by chance, some bit of the vegetable/fruit breaks off and ends up inside of you, it could cause a nasty bacterial or yeast infection. And the last thing you want to tell a gynecologist is that you're pretty sure you lost a bit of carrot up there. Also, with food items, you'll only want to use it once and throw it away afterwards.

Also easily accessible, and non-suspicion-raising, are things like the handles of screwdrivers, magic markers, some deodorant canisters, large makeup brushes, shampoo or lotion bottles, etc. Basically anything that is in the right shape and size. Look for things that have non-porous surfaces. Unlike with food items, you don't need to worry about leaving parts behind, but you do need to be mindful of sharp edges (on, say, magic markers or bottles). Again, I would suggest using a condom over the item because you have no idea what bacteria, etc, is on your screwdriver, marker, or bottle, and whether you use a condom or not, you should wash the item afterwards with an anti-bacterial soap.

Finally, some precautions: don't use anything breakable (i.e. glass), and if by chance you end up using your homemade dildo for anal penetration, keep in mind that you should only use items that have some sort of "flared" base. The vagina has a natural end-point (the cervix), but things can actually get lost in the rectum. Again, you don't want to be at the emergency room explaining things to a doctor.

As usual, I'd like to hear from the rest of you - both male and female - what methods and devices have you used to masturbate?