All over the globe there are people whose religious beliefs inform their life choices� In the United States we have someone like Monica Goodling, aide to Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, who went to Messiah College and Pat Robertson's Regent University Law School where they "seek[] men and women who are dedicated to becoming Christian leaders who will change the world for Christ." Apparently Ms. Goodling's strong Christian beliefs have led her to refuse to testify in front of the Senate lest she perjure herself. I'm assuming she's saving herself for marriage, but she was unreachable for comment on that issue. Many of my readers, however, actually do hold strong religious beliefs and really do save themselves for their future spouses. And even though sometimes they regret it, I still applaud their fortitude.


I love your wit and sensitivity with which you handle queries and hence this mail. I am writing this to you right after yet another failed session of sex, so you may now understand the gravity of the situation. Now let me start from the beginning.

I got married about a month ago to a guy with whom I've had a long distance relationship for almost a decade! In this long period we finished high school, college and went on to get our master's degrees, of course with masturbation throughout (I've never put my fingers inside so I presume that I've reached only clitoral orgasms). During this long time, we met briefly just a couple of times and did make out but decided to keep sex for our marriage. And that I think is the biggest mistake we made.

Whenever we had our times together (before marriage), I used to gush like a waterfall. I don't recollect ever getting so wet after marriage. In fact, I get wet much less� I don't purr at all like I used to.

When we have sex now (I don't think I can entirely claim that term) everything is fine until he starts inserting. I tighten up and focus on what he's trying to do instead of losing myself. (We have tried using KY) The same thing happens when he tries to finger me, so I guess it's a psychological problem as I am 1000% sure that I love him MORE now, though I can't really say that I enjoy sex post-marriage. But I do want to do it and I do initiate it a lot of times, which is a good sign.

I've tried working things out myself by watching porn, and things do seem fine then because I do get very wet and one lone finger seems fine. But then again I recoil if he approaches me.

The latest solution I've thought of is to maybe buy a vibrator, open myself up at my pace and time, but I don't want to end up liking it more than my guy! Neither do I want to get dependent on it. All of this sounds fine until I begin work which could be in a week's time and I don't really know what is going to happen then.

My husband is really supportive of me and doesn't force me into anything, but after sex I feel so empty, so incomplete� I do want to know, feel and experience what women across the globe have been enjoying. I DO NOT want to join the desperate housewives club :(


I don't like to start my response to reader questions by saying "It's all in your head" but it is possible that there is a substantial psychological component to what you're describing. What probably happened (and happens to a lot of brides) is that the first time you tried to have intercourse, it hurt. And whether it hurt a lot, or just a little bit, your body didn't like it and now your mind doesn't like the idea of it hurting again. Basically, when you are sexually excited, your vagina releases lubrication, but when there is pain or the possibility of pain, you dry up faster than spit on a desert highway.

The fact that you can still get very wet from watching porn (and I'm assuming from masturbating) means that you're probably just anticipating pain and discomfort. I think that your instinct about slowly opening yourself up with a toy is good. Let me allay your fears, however - you're worried about liking a toy better than your man but at this point you don't like your man at all. If you're truly worried about that, try getting just a dildo instead of a vibrator. The reason that some women get "addicted" to their toys is that a vibrating dildo can help them reach orgasm when manual stimulation doesn't do it for them. It doesn't sound like you have trouble orgasming, so I'd suggest you stick to a plain dildo� in fact, I'd suggest you get several, in varying sizes.

They make small ones and some so large you'll look at them and wonder what in the world they're for - get two or three in sizes that graduate from a little larger than one of your husband's fingers, up to about the size of his penis. There's no real need for you to go larger. What you should do is put yourself on a schedule of using the small one for a couple of weeks, then the medium sized one for a couple of weeks, and then the largest. Once you've gotten yourself used to the smallest sized dildo, think about involving your husband in the process. Explain to him what you're trying to do. Let him watch you masturbate, and then ask if he wants to "help" you. I'll bet he does.

Finally, when you decide to try to have intercourse again, try to get as relaxed as possible. If you are allowed to drink alcohol, maybe have a drink or some wine. Take a bath and ask your husband to give you a slow, sensual massage followed by as much kissing and fondling as your husband can take. The more relaxed you are before the action begins, the more likely you are to enjoy it. Also, try to orgasm before intercourse - orgasming releases lubrication, and that could also help. Finally, have faith� it will get better!