Some weeks I get to give readers exciting advice, like telling girls how to masturbate, and other weeks I need to fulfill the calling of a sexual health advisor. Though this week's column won't win any titillation awards, it might answer some questions women are too shy to ask, and provide more information than the average man wants to know about menstrual apparatuses.
I just came to the United States to get my masters' degree and I have realized that women use tampons instead of pads. Tampons are not available in my country. They seem to be convenient, but I am worried to try them myself. Are tampons better than sanitary pads? Why do American women prefer them? I am also a virgin and my religion requires this, will using a tampon make me not a virgin? Are there other dangers of using tampons? Can I use a tampon and a pad at the same time?
First, welcome to the United States - no doubt the tampon discovery will not be your last surprise in America. I'll take your questions one at a time.
Are tampons better than sanitary pads?
Tampons aren't better or worse than pads. They serve the same function, but for most women it comes down to simple preference. Tampons do have certain health risks that you need to be aware of if you decide to use them (see below), but there are pros and cons to using both. For instance, if you wear a pad and tight clothing, it's possible for people to notice the pad. Wearing a tampon with tight clothing may not be a problem (but I don't know a lot of women who are into wearing tight, white pants during those particular days of the month, despite what American commercials like to show.)
Why do American women prefer them?
I don't know for sure (in fact, I'm not sure they do), but if you're at a college, it's probably true that most young women do prefer tampons. Generally they're more discreet (easier to carry, less noticeable), more comfortable (if it's inserted correctly, you shouldn't feel it), and they let you do more activities freely - if you want to swim while you have your period, you can put in a tampon and it's no problem.
Will using a tampon make me not a virgin?
Tampons do not affect virginity. The definition "virgin" is: A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse. Obviously putting a tampon into your vagina is in no way experiencing sexual intercourse. If, however, your big worry is that inserting a tampon could break your hymen, and having an intact hymen is important to your safety, etc, it is a possibility that using a tampon could stretch or tear your hymen. Different women have different hymens - some have a stretchable membrane that barely covers the vagina, others have a "perforated" membrane which could be broken by inserting or removing a tampon. Because I recognize that in some parts of the world, women can be in danger for perceived immoral conduct, if you fear that this could put you at risk, I'd advise you to stick with pads for now.
Are there other dangers of using tampons?
There is one important health concern that you should be aware of if you decide to use tampons - Toxic Shock Syndrome or TSS. If you open a box of tampons, you will find an insert that discusses the risks, symptoms, and ways to prevent TSS. TSS is a rare bacterial infection that affects a small percentage of tampon users, but if you are careful using tampons you can avoid it. Make sure you wash your hands before inserting a tampon, and be careful to follow the directions that come with the tampons. They are made to be inside you for a very specific period of time. Leaving them inside your body for longer than recommended, or using a tampon with an absorbency level greater than necessary, can cause problems (and TSS). Basically you should use the absorbency level that lets you keep it in for four to six hours without leaking. If, at four hours, your tampon is leaking, you should move to the next level of absorbency. (They come in Light, Regular, Super, and Super Plus, and the absorbency levels are regulated by the government, so all tampon manufacturers have similar absorbency levels.) Again, be sure to read the directions that come with the tampons.
Also, tampons come in "deodorant," but many women find that the perfuming element is irritating. When first trying tampons, stick with the unscented.
Can I use a tampon and a pad at the same time?
Yes, you can. And many women do. In fact, you'll see that there are products called "panty liners" that are quite useful for that purpose. For women who have leakage problems with tampons, or don't want to take the chance, using tampons with a small pad or panty liner is reassuring.
A new patch for women who have lost their sex drive will become available on the NHS this week.
Its makers say Intrinsa could be the female Viagra - the anti-impotence drug that has transformed the sex lives of hundreds of thousands of men.
The female aphrodisiac will initially only be available on prescription for post-menopausal women with diagnosed sexual problems. GPs will prescribe it on the NHS, with women paying a £6.65 prescription charge.
However it is likely that the patches will later become "lifestyle" drugs bought freely over the counter - used by younger women with no sexual problems who simply want to increase their libido.
The same thing happened with Viagra - around 60 per cent of the men who use it are believed to have no erectile problems. Around 900,000 men in Britain have used it at least once, estimates suggest.
The new treatment for women works by releasing the male hormone testosterone through the skin into the bloodstream.
The patch, which is virtually transparent and about the size of an egg, is worn just below the navel and changed twice weekly.
Manufacturers Procter and Gamble say the patch helped boost the flagging libido in hundreds of women in tests, and increased the amount of sexual activity they enjoyed.
Dramatically successful results were found in menopausal women who had been diagnosed with hypoactive sexual desire disorder, in which libido and sexual activity is reduced - leading to psychological distress.
More than 500 took part in the drug company's six-month study, with half unaware they had been given a dummy patch.
As well as boosting the amount of satisfying sex they had - making love four times more every two months than those wearing a dummy patch - it also increased desire.
Other tests shows it worked on women suffering loss of libido after a hysterectomy.
It was granted a license from the European Medicines Agency in July.
The Intrinsa patches work by increasing the level of testosterone in the blood. Although it is known as the male sex hormone, it is naturally occurring in women too, produced by the ovaries and the adrenal gland. However, levels of the hormone decline with age, sometimes dramatically so after the menopause.
Experts say a half of women having a hysterectomy and others having a premature menopause before the age of 50 could benefit from testosterone therapy.
However, too much testosterone can have unpleasant side-effects, from excessive body hair to liver disorders. That is why the makers went for a patch system rather than a pill, which would have led to too high a dose.
And the patch does not work straight away, unlike Viagra. It takes weeks to have an effect.
Intrinsa works on a completely different principle to Viagra. This is because while 90 per cent of male sexual problems are purely physical, women's sex problems are down to social, phsychological and emotional factors.
So unlike the mechanical problem that Viagra helps to fix in men, women's sexual functioning is about getting in the right frame of mind.
Procter and Gamble say the patches will help women with "female sexual dysfunction", a condition which was recognised only in 1999.
Some campaigners believe FSD is a syndrome invented by the pharmaceutical industry to medicalise the treatment of a social issue.
Many doctors believe that FSD covers at least four different conditions - problems with desire, arousal, achieving orgasm and genital pain - meaning it is unlikely one drug will be able to treat all four.
by Lexy London
Years ago I wrote a column answering a question from man who wanted to know how he could tell, when having sex for the first time with a girl, whether or not she was a virgin. It sparked a lot of controversy in countries where women are seen as a commodity of sorts, and I got many angry emails about the article. But men are still going to want to know if their wife-to-be is a virgin… as evidenced by my first question this week: If we must marry with her, and it is important to prove the virginity, without knowing her what shall we do? I'm assuming that by saying "must marry her" he means that he's assuming he'll be in an arranged marriage. But his next two leaps of logic are where I, and most women, have problems. I don't agree that "it is important to prove the virginity." If it's important to a particular man that his bride be a virgin, and he's anticipating being with that woman for the rest of his life, and he doesn't "know" her, then he needs to make a decision about whether he can trust her. As I've said numerous times, there are lots of different ways that a woman can actually lose her hymen, but STILL BE A VIRGIN! Virginity, in a way, is a state of mind more than it is a state of body. If a woman has not had intercourse, she is still a virgin. The fact that she was born without a hymen, or lost it horseback riding, or exercising, or bike riding, or using a tampon… does not make her any less a virgin. In fact, the obsession with some sort of "proof" of virginity means that you are assuming that you can't trust your wife-to-be at all - you can't trust her to be morally clean, you can't trust her answer if you ask her whether she's a virgin, etc. What an excellent way to start off a marriage. I only hope that she is as distrustful of you and insists you wear a condom because she doesn't trust that YOU are a virgin, because who knows what STDs you could be carrying. One of the really sad things about this problem is that it leads to anxiety on all sides of the issue. Take, for instance, this reader: I would be thankful to you if you would reply to my question. Well I am a guy from India and I want to ask whether touching a girl's vagina and placing your finger inside it slightly will lose her virginity or not? Does a finger harm a girl's virginity? I had a girlfriend and we use to play like that. We never had intercourse, but as I mentioned earlier sometimes, I slightly put my finger inside her. Now she is going to marry next year and I am worried that she will face problems from her husband about it. Please guide me and help me out of this situation. As I said above, technically, she is still a virgin. A finger doesn't "harm" a girl's virginity because she hasn't had sexual intercourse. At least not with you. But as discussed above, that is not what most men are curious about - they want "proof." So my question to you is did she ever bleed when you were playing around? If she did bleed, you may have inadvertently torn her hymen a little bit. If it is torn a little, it may mean that she doesn't bleed when she has sex for the first time with her husband. If her husband is like my first reader, and their relationship is so precarious that he starts the marriage not trusting her, she may need to resort to some subterfuge. As I discussed in my earlier article, for hundreds of years, woman have been worried about "bleeding" on their wedding nights, and have devised various strategies to deal with it. One way is to have a secret vial of chicken blood to spill onto the sheet after her husband has fallen asleep (and trust me, he will). Another is for her to hone her acting skills so that her new husband thinks she's in pain the first time they have sex. But all that advice aside, if she has a decent relationship with her husband to be, I'd encourage her to be honest about what she's done. This week I'll wrap up with a question on the subject from a woman: I think it's only the cheap and dominating nature of men that has lead them to insist on knowing about a woman's virginity. Why does no one ask this question to a man? Why? Are we not supposed to be equal in society? I certainly can't disagree with you. And I have no good answer for you about why no one asks the question of their husband-to-be. It would certainly be good practice to do so because there are definitely men out there who have pre-marital sex and bring home terrible diseases to their new, virgin wives. And yes, we are supposed to be equal in society, but it's pretty clear that we aren't.
Over the years I've known many couples who have gotten on the breakup rollercoaster - they are together and happy for a couple of months, then things deteriorate and they breakup, then they are both emotionally and physically lonely for a month, so once calls the other and they get back together. For a couple of weeks the sex is great, and they both try hard not to repeat the behaviors that resulted in the previous breakup. Unfortunately, nothing has really changed, so a couple of weeks later, she does something he hates, and he does something she can't stand, and they once again break up. Only to repeat the whole process. I'll be honest - I have heard of happy marriages coming out of such relationships, but they are definitely in the minority. When you've broken up with someone repeatedly for deal-breaking behavior issues, the odds of either of your changing enough to iron out the relationship kinks are slim to none. However, when the reason you continually break-up and get back together is something like geography, I say change things once and for all, and see if it works.
Help! I've been dating a lady for over four years now. We've been kind of off and on and off, and then on again. Work keeps us traveling, and we live in different cities now. We've had the "where are we headed" conversation a million times, and I'm now just tired of her whining.
I love her, and she loves me, and we both agree that we don't find anyone else interesting enough to start a new relationship. The thing is, I never ask her where she goes or what she does, but she's like a Gestapo agent about what I do. And I never lie, which freaks her out. Not that I whore around or anything, but I do go get a drink with a girl from my work place now and then.
We meet on average once a month, and since I'm a very sexual person, I'm all paws for the first couple of hours. I always get her off too, and she admits she enjoys making out, but she's starting to sexually blackmail me now, know what I mean? "If u don't do this or that, you don't get any." That pisses me off to no end.
I don't know whether I want this dysfunctional relationship to go on, but I really, really love her. Every time we say goodbye, I pine for her. I think of her constantly, and she sleeps in my old gym shirt when we're apart. I look at pictures of us and I just feel blue. I know we're both young and have careers, but are we missing the point? What use is the money and success if we don't have time for each other? I'm just hopelessly confused and feel like shit.
Despite what I said above, it sounds to me like the two of you have been circling real commitment for quite a while - it may just be time for you both to just bite the bullet and make it work. Lots of things in your letter make it sound like you really do have something meaningful with your girlfriend, and if you boil your letter down to the bare bones of "problems," it seems like geography is the biggest issue.
Don't get me wrong, I do understand the impulse for each of you to put your careers first for awhile, but it sounds like maybe it's time to make some compromises. It seems like you're both smart and talented, so it's hard to believe that, with some work, you'd be able to find jobs in the same city. Maybe you don't want to work for the same company (that's understandable), but surely one of you can make a sacrifice so that you can actually be together on a regular basis so that you can really evaluate the strength of your relationship.
Notice I didn't go into any of the smaller issues you described - the jealousy, the sexual blackmail, etc - because I really think that all of them stem from the long-distance nature of your relationship. There are some people for whom long-distance relationships work for long periods of time, and there are others for whom long-distance relationships create no end of emotional and psychological issues. What you've described is exactly what happens to someone who doesn't do well with long-distance. It's awesome that you are so honest with her about your extra-relationship dalliances (I couldn't tell from your letter whether "drinks" with a girl from work included more than drinking), and I have a feeling that if you were living with your girlfriend, and came home at 7pm and told her you'd had drinks with a coworker, she'd have no problem with it. What long-distance does is magnify a person's insecurities: she doesn't know the girl from work, she's probably afraid the girl is more attractive than her, she doesn't know if and/or how you touch the girl (hugs? kisses? ass-grabbing?)� and what she does know about you is that you're a horndog. Likewise, her attempting to control you and the relationship with sexual blackmail is another manifestation of the same problem. She has no control over how things are developing, so she tries to exert control over the one thing she can - sex.
Think about what I've said, and discuss it with her. See if one of you can't bite the bullet and make a move so that you can give your relationship the chance it needs. I think you're on to something - what is the point of money and success if you don't have time for each other?
When I was a freshman in high school, there was a senior named Jonathan Fabb who everyone called Hoover. At the time, I had no idea why they called him that. He was kind of an idiot, so I sort of assumed that it was a "thinker" nickname because his classmates thought he sucked. When I finally asked my older brother, he explained that Jonathan had been found by a couple of his friends naked on the floor of his living room with a tank vacuum sucking vigorously on the head of his teenaged penis. Having neither a penis nor the inclination to stick it into the suction end of a vacuum, I have no idea whether it feels good or not� I just hope it was a wet-dry vacuum.
I am a twenty year old girl living in Pakistan. I've been in a relationship for the last two years, but it's basically a long-distance relationship. I lost my virginity last year. What I want to ask is that is there anything safe other than a dildo that I can use for masturbation? Dildos aren't very easily available here in this country, and I don't want to have to deal with customs if I order it from overseas. What do you think would be appropriate to use?
I'm not really the right person to say what's appropriate for you to use, but I will give you some suggestions, and you can decide what you think is appropriate. I think the most important thing to think about is your safety, so my first bit of advice is no matter what you decide to use, you should definitely go out and buy a stash of condoms to put over your chosen item. If there's some reason a condom won't work - there are sharp edges, abrasive textures, it's too big - it's probably not a good choice for use as a dildo anyway.
The first and probably most easily accessible option is some sort of fruit or vegetable that's properly shaped. A green banana, a properly sized cucumber, a carrot, cob of corn, zucchini� all should take a condom nicely, and work pretty well. Use of a condom is especially important with food items because if, by chance, some bit of the vegetable/fruit breaks off and ends up inside of you, it could cause a nasty bacterial or yeast infection. And the last thing you want to tell a gynecologist is that you're pretty sure you lost a bit of carrot up there. Also, with food items, you'll only want to use it once and throw it away afterwards.
Also easily accessible, and non-suspicion-raising, are things like the handles of screwdrivers, magic markers, some deodorant canisters, large makeup brushes, shampoo or lotion bottles, etc. Basically anything that is in the right shape and size. Look for things that have non-porous surfaces. Unlike with food items, you don't need to worry about leaving parts behind, but you do need to be mindful of sharp edges (on, say, magic markers or bottles). Again, I would suggest using a condom over the item because you have no idea what bacteria, etc, is on your screwdriver, marker, or bottle, and whether you use a condom or not, you should wash the item afterwards with an anti-bacterial soap.
Finally, some precautions: don't use anything breakable (i.e. glass), and if by chance you end up using your homemade dildo for anal penetration, keep in mind that you should only use items that have some sort of "flared" base. The vagina has a natural end-point (the cervix), but things can actually get lost in the rectum. Again, you don't want to be at the emergency room explaining things to a doctor.
As usual, I'd like to hear from the rest of you - both male and female - what methods and devices have you used to masturbate?
When you first get into a relationship, sex often happens spontaneously. Sometimes it's so spontaneous that neither of you is prepared for it. That can mean sex in semi-public situations, or in the middle of the night when one of you wakes up horny and wakes up the other. It's a heady time. And it can also mean throwing caution to the wind and going for it when, in the past, you've been patient and waited a couple of days. And then there are people who are up just about anything.
I am a 25-year old male from Pakistan. I have been in a relationship for the past three years and we are both pretty serious and happy together as well. We've both gone past the virginity divide. What I am curious about, more than anything, is whether a couple is able to have sex during a female is undergoing her periods. If yes, any precautions that I need to keep in mind?
Secondly, would it be safe to have sex when my wife-to-be is pregnant? I've heard of a few porn orientations to that end but I don't trust that mode for my sex facts. I wouldn't want to harm neither the baby nor my wife. If yes, up until which month is it safe to have sex? Again, any precautions?
Looking forward to a reply.
As to your first question, you certainly can have sex when your girlfriend/wife is having her period. Some women aren't comfortable doing it, and others have no issues with it, but my first advice would be not to assume that she will want to do it. If you decide you want to, ask her before you start in and make sure she's down with it. A lot of women are actually pretty horny while on their periods, and I've even heard that for some women, it's easier for them to orgasm while on their period. There are a couple of things to keep in mind if you're going to have sex while she's bleeding:
- Women have very distinctive flows. Some women may have particularly heavy bleeding on the first day of their period, and then light for other days, and vice versa. You'll probably want to find out from her which days are lighter, and try that first.
- Whether you do it on a light day or a heavy day, it's likely to be messy. Think about it when you're getting ready to have sex because you don't want to spend hours trying to get blood out of sheets, clothes and mattresses.
- You'll probably want to use some lubrication. It may seem like there's enough liquid in the vagina with the menstrual blood, but menstrual fluid isn't lubricating. In fact, it often has the opposite effect - even if she's horny and excited, the friction of intercourse could actually dry her vagina out, and it will make it uncomfortable for both of you.
- You'll also probably want to use a condom. Almost every guy I've ever talked to about this issue have had a weird reaction to finishing and finding blood all over their penis. If you are particularly vigorous, you'll probably end up with blood on your scrotum and thighs, but a condom will make it slightly less messy. A condom is also a decent protection against both STDs and pregnancy. Yes, she can still get pregnant if you have sex while she's on her period. The odds are pretty low but it can, and does, happen.
- Finally, as for oral sex (on her)� your on your own. I've heard of people who are into it, and they all say that a tampon is necessary.
And as for your second question, I'm glad to hear that porn isn't your source for sex advice, but you'll be happy to hear what I have to say about sex while pregnant. It's generally perfectly fine to do it, and most women can have sex, and orgasms, all the way through their ninth month of pregnancy. Here are a couple of things to think about, however.
- Again, listen to your wife's feelings and thoughts on the matter. In the first trimester, she may be too fatigued, nauseated, and anxious about a miscarriage to have sex. If she is, bide your time and know that after a few weeks pass, she will be in a better place physically and emotionally.
- In the second trimester, most women are feeling pretty good physically, and the hormonal surges that cause fatigue, etc, in the first trimester are over. Many women are very into sex, and actually find it more pleasurable than ever. Many report being able to climax easily and more often than usual.
- In the final few weeks of the pregnancy, you may find it awkward to have sex, but it can actually be helpful to your wife. When a baby is overdue, the hormones in semen can actually speed delivery along by sort of softening up the cervix.
- Experiment with new positions. You may find that the old positions you're used to with your wife aren't possible, so try some new things like her on top, or her on her knees. Women often feel better if they can control the depth of penetration while pregnant, so if she's feeling uncomfortable, switch things around.
- Finally, if she has any risk factors for premature delivery, you should talk very frankly with her obstetrician about sex. You should ask whether it's okay for her to have sex and/or orgasms, and if the doctor tells you it's not safe, listen to her.
There is often something lost when writing a sex advice column for people who live in a completely different world. And I really mean it. As a woman living in the United States, I know there are just some cultural things I'm not going to understand in, say, Pakistan or India. Well, this week I called in help from my best-Indian-transplant-friend just to make sure I wasn't missing some cultural superstition.
I am 20 years old from Pakistan and I'm in serious trouble. I am a regular reader of your columns on orkut. I find it very interesting and very much related to my own life. I thought of it as an authentic source but in recent days I have assumed that your most of suggestions were wrong. I will give you my own example & then ask (again) for your advice to help me. I have been masturbating for quite a long time, almost since I first got access to internet in 2000. At first, I had no idea what it was - I thought it was urine, but I had got addicted to it. And for the last four or five, years I'm doing the above on a regular basis. Mostly I look at pictures on the internet, movies, or TV programs. I have never had sex as it's not allowed in our area/religion.
Also I am a good athlete and sportsman and excel in studies as well. I was a brilliant student of my school, but gradually I loosed in my studies. And the basic query is about my body. I am losing it. I hope you understand. The meat and fats on my hands/knees/hips/skull/face is almost gone. I am much too skinny now. I also have done martial arts, but now my muscles are slowly fading away. My tummy has come out proportionally and my chest has moved backwards. I play football, squash, swimming, martial arts etc. Even my back, there are just bones; and I was not like this. And this is all because of masturbation. In your articles I read that this is no supernatural thing but look at me NOW! I need your help... please tell me how can I go back to my original body? And how can I stop doing this?
Also I have another serious problem which is related to the first one. When like for three or four days I don't fanaticize and try avoiding it, then what happens? Like what happened last night; in a dream I was having sex with a girl and then when I was about to cum in the dream, my eyes opened and I came for real! How do I stop it? I had no intentions but still...
In the porn pictures I have seen girls and boys whose hip and chest bones are almost visible with no meat on them. It's all because of that. And you said it won't harm you!
So, first, my Indian friend who is in his late twenties and grew up in Delhi assures me that he has never heard of this particular superstition. From other questions from readers, I've gathered that it must be a common misperception in your culture. Why, I'm not sure. In fact, if you read the article I linked to above, you'll find that that reader didn't even masturbate!
Is it possible that your rigorous masturbation schedule has somehow eaten away your body? Burned the fat from your bones and eaten away your muscles until you're nothing more than a skeleton? No. It's not. It's medically impossible. Here's why: (for the following analysis, I'm going to assume you weigh 170 lbs) Let's say you masturbate three times a day, which I actually doubt because it's a bit excessive. But let's say you do it three times per day, and each time you do it for 15 minutes (which is probably an over-zealous estimate). If, instead, you were running at 5 miles per hour, you would burn about 150 calories for each 15 minute stint. Now, obviously the amount of energy and effort you put into running would be significantly more than the amount you'd put into masturbating� unless you tend to yank it while running on a treadmill. So, running for the same amount of time would burn about 450 calories, and having 45 minutes of moderately vigorous sex with someone else burns about 90 calories. The average man eats a couple thousand calories worth of food a day. So how could, at the highest estimate of three times per day, at the most possible calories burned of 100 calories per day, you possibly lose so much fat and muscle that you've turned into a skeleton? You can't. It's impossible.
So something else is wrong. Are you eating enough protein and vegetables? I have no idea what kind of diet you are eating, but if you are actually expending a lot of energy in sports, etc, you need to eat enough calories to maintain your weight. But no matter what, it's NOT your masturbation habit that has wasted you away. In fact, after talking to my Indian friend, I suggest you go to a doctor soon and discuss the situation. It's possible this is a manifestation of the final push of puberty (are your parents particularly thin?) or you have a medical condition or something like a tapeworm that is taking all the nourishment you're putting into your body and your body isn't getting the food it needs. Please see a doctor and get a check-up.
Two final points:
1. I guess it is true that most people in internet porn (and porn generally) are thin. It's not because they have wasted away due to excessive orgasms, however. It's because that is what people find attractive the world over.
2. What you've described happening to you upon waking up from a dream is called a "wet dream" and it's what happens to all men when they haven't orgasmed for a certain period of time. Basically, the testicles make semen around the clock, and the factory can only hold so much product. If you don't get it out by masturbating, the body takes care of it by giving you a sexy dream, and you have and orgasm either in your sleep or as you're waking up. It's perfectly normal and the only way to stop it is to masturbate every few days.
All over the globe there are people whose religious beliefs inform their life choices� In the United States we have someone like Monica Goodling, aide to Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, who went to Messiah College and Pat Robertson's Regent University Law School where they "seek[] men and women who are dedicated to becoming Christian leaders who will change the world for Christ." Apparently Ms. Goodling's strong Christian beliefs have led her to refuse to testify in front of the Senate lest she perjure herself. I'm assuming she's saving herself for marriage, but she was unreachable for comment on that issue. Many of my readers, however, actually do hold strong religious beliefs and really do save themselves for their future spouses. And even though sometimes they regret it, I still applaud their fortitude.
I love your wit and sensitivity with which you handle queries and hence this mail. I am writing this to you right after yet another failed session of sex, so you may now understand the gravity of the situation. Now let me start from the beginning.
I got married about a month ago to a guy with whom I've had a long distance relationship for almost a decade! In this long period we finished high school, college and went on to get our master's degrees, of course with masturbation throughout (I've never put my fingers inside so I presume that I've reached only clitoral orgasms). During this long time, we met briefly just a couple of times and did make out but decided to keep sex for our marriage. And that I think is the biggest mistake we made.
Whenever we had our times together (before marriage), I used to gush like a waterfall. I don't recollect ever getting so wet after marriage. In fact, I get wet much less� I don't purr at all like I used to.
When we have sex now (I don't think I can entirely claim that term) everything is fine until he starts inserting. I tighten up and focus on what he's trying to do instead of losing myself. (We have tried using KY) The same thing happens when he tries to finger me, so I guess it's a psychological problem as I am 1000% sure that I love him MORE now, though I can't really say that I enjoy sex post-marriage. But I do want to do it and I do initiate it a lot of times, which is a good sign.
I've tried working things out myself by watching porn, and things do seem fine then because I do get very wet and one lone finger seems fine. But then again I recoil if he approaches me.
The latest solution I've thought of is to maybe buy a vibrator, open myself up at my pace and time, but I don't want to end up liking it more than my guy! Neither do I want to get dependent on it. All of this sounds fine until I begin work which could be in a week's time and I don't really know what is going to happen then.
My husband is really supportive of me and doesn't force me into anything, but after sex I feel so empty, so incomplete� I do want to know, feel and experience what women across the globe have been enjoying. I DO NOT want to join the desperate housewives club :(
I don't like to start my response to reader questions by saying "It's all in your head" but it is possible that there is a substantial psychological component to what you're describing. What probably happened (and happens to a lot of brides) is that the first time you tried to have intercourse, it hurt. And whether it hurt a lot, or just a little bit, your body didn't like it and now your mind doesn't like the idea of it hurting again. Basically, when you are sexually excited, your vagina releases lubrication, but when there is pain or the possibility of pain, you dry up faster than spit on a desert highway.
The fact that you can still get very wet from watching porn (and I'm assuming from masturbating) means that you're probably just anticipating pain and discomfort. I think that your instinct about slowly opening yourself up with a toy is good. Let me allay your fears, however - you're worried about liking a toy better than your man but at this point you don't like your man at all. If you're truly worried about that, try getting just a dildo instead of a vibrator. The reason that some women get "addicted" to their toys is that a vibrating dildo can help them reach orgasm when manual stimulation doesn't do it for them. It doesn't sound like you have trouble orgasming, so I'd suggest you stick to a plain dildo� in fact, I'd suggest you get several, in varying sizes.
They make small ones and some so large you'll look at them and wonder what in the world they're for - get two or three in sizes that graduate from a little larger than one of your husband's fingers, up to about the size of his penis. There's no real need for you to go larger. What you should do is put yourself on a schedule of using the small one for a couple of weeks, then the medium sized one for a couple of weeks, and then the largest. Once you've gotten yourself used to the smallest sized dildo, think about involving your husband in the process. Explain to him what you're trying to do. Let him watch you masturbate, and then ask if he wants to "help" you. I'll bet he does.
Finally, when you decide to try to have intercourse again, try to get as relaxed as possible. If you are allowed to drink alcohol, maybe have a drink or some wine. Take a bath and ask your husband to give you a slow, sensual massage followed by as much kissing and fondling as your husband can take. The more relaxed you are before the action begins, the more likely you are to enjoy it. Also, try to orgasm before intercourse - orgasming releases lubrication, and that could also help. Finally, have faith� it will get better!