by Lexy London
This week I'm answering a question I've gotten a couple of times from readers in Pakistan. Before I delve into the question and answer, I'd first like to apologize if my response seems harsh - it is not my intent to judge cultural or religious beliefs. The Internet has opened the floodgates to a worldwide community that shares a lot of interests and values, but there are still fundamental differences between cultures and for me, this issue strikes at the core of those differences.
The question, with a little variation between readers, is:
During first time sex, how can I know whether the girl is virgin or not? Is there any way to find out without letting her know?
The question seems simple enough, but it doesn't have a straightforward answer. When I first got a question like this, it made me wonder about the person asking, wonder about where he came from, and speculate about what kind of romantic or sexual situation he was in that would first, make him want to know whether his partner was a virgin, and second, make him want to keep that information to himself.
What is a virgin? From the manner the question is asked, it seems like my reader is looking for a physical manifestation of virginity. The hymen is a bit of tissue that either partially or completely blocks the vagina, and breaking it is what results in the conventional bleeding that occurs when a woman has intercourse for the first time. However, there are many reasons why a woman wouldn't bleed - some women are simply not born with a hymen that covers their vagina, others break their hymen by doing such innocuous things as horseback riding, exercising, or using tampons.
It has long been known that even women who haven't experienced sexual intercourse don't bleed their first time. Centuries ago, mothers would provide vials of chicken blood to their daughters on their wedding nights so that they could "prove" their chastity to their husbands. And even today, in some communities in Italy, honeymoon bedsheets are put on display for the community - God help the girl whose mother wasn't with the program.
So, physically, you may or may not find proof that your partner is a virgin. It is not the hymen that makes a woman a virgin, it is the fact that she hasn't had sexual intercourse. Which brings me to the question of why my readers want to know. As I consider this problem, I came up with three possible explanations (please feel free to e-mail me with others if you think of them).
My first theory is perhaps my reader is young, inexperienced, and unsure about the sex act itself. He is either insecure about his own performance or afraid of the possibility of being compared to past lovers. If this is the case, get over it. If your relationship has progressed to the point that she's willing to make love to you, she's not going to care either way, and the first time probably isn't going to be one for the record books anyway. Enthusiasm and nervousness don't make the most memorable lovemaking sessions.
My second guess is that he is concerned about the more concrete worry of sexually transmitted diseases. Perhaps he is thinking that if she is a virgin, it is a perfect time to go without a condom - if he has proof she's never had sex, there's no chance of catching anything from her. Interesting theory . . . but bad on more than one count. First, without having had intercourse, a woman could be infected with sexually transmitted disease. They can be transmitted by genital-genital contact (without the penis actually entering the vagina), by oral-genital contact, and there are even remote chances that contact with an infected towel or sheet could lead to infection. Second, taking the risk of going without a condom is always a bad idea. Do you want to be a father? Is she ready to be a mother? Are you ready to get married to this girl who you don't even trust enough to be honest with you about her sexual history?
Which brings me to the last possibility - my readers are actually freshly wedded (or about to get married) and worried that their wives aren't quite as virtuous as they'd hoped. If this is the case, I don't have a lot of faith in the future of these relationships. Perhaps to some the American version of chastity and morals is a degraded version of, say, India & Pakistan's, but then we don't take women to doctors for virginity testing, and don't force women to prove their chastity by holding their breath under water (Paani ki Dheej) or handling hot coals (Agnipariksha).
If you have found the girl you truly want to marry, and have even a little bit of communication, you should feel comfortable asking her about her sexual history. She, however, should feel just as comfortable either telling you or not telling you. If either of those choices isn't acceptable, maybe you shouldn't get married. If you either don't believe what she does tell you (meaning you want some sort of physical proof), or aren't able to make peace with her not telling you, there will always be a barrier in your relationship, and even across cultures I don't see that barrier coming down. And just to throw a wrench into the minds of all the men who are convinced their wives were chaste because their hymens were intact on their wedding nights, there is a surgery called hymenorraphy in which a plastic surgeon reconstructs the hymen.
Two final notes:
1. If you are planning to have sex (before or after marriage), it is always a good idea for both partners to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.
2. A note to ladies in places where virginity is a commodity - if you are going to have premarital sex, the best advice seems to be not to tell anyone, including close friends. In general, I'm an advocate of honesty, but if it threatens your health and/or wellbeing, it's no one's business but your own.
11 comments:
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durvasa
on
March 31, 2007 at 5:55 AM
sir.........shyam here........... ur suggestions were good and meaning too,. its ur experience which speaks.....
but a question still stays there, whether we (guys) be able to find a way to find out get to know the virginity without letting her know...
as much as i know, only speaking to each other comfortably can do it with better understanding... or to say some logic used during conversation or intercourse acutally can reveal the thing... i mean lady's behaviour towards it, words she speaks during... all that stuff....
am asking this only out of the curiosity.....
u can place me a comment on dwarikanaresh@yahoo.co.in.... -
Majush
on
April 1, 2007 at 4:30 AM
Now that was one nice article I have read in recent times. Virginity factor is overrated among India and Pakistan and few neighboring countries. Since most men go for the arranged marriage, they don't get to experience of the love vs jealousy part of growing up process and find it hard to accept a girl if she is not virgin. I know cases were divorce has happened bcoz the girl didn't bled the first night and cases where girls stayed away from a marriage bcoz of an unforturnate rape or premarital sexual intercourse. There are even cases where divorce happens when the husband comes to know that wife had a love interest in past where they had exchanged love letters though there was no physical relatoionships.
I think govt has to bring a law which will ban the discrimination based on virginity factor and turn it against those sick men who dream of a life with a virgin girl. But in a country where women were considered mere objects for cooking and sexual pleasures till 60 years ago, it will take a while before they start realizing the virginity as a factor don't build love but only doubts and suspicion. -
Rajesh
on
April 1, 2007 at 11:02 AM
Hi
But all u r suggestions doesnt ans the question how to test virginity. The question of curiosity is there any medical test to identify a male/female s virgin? -
EXPLORE TO DISCOVER
on
April 1, 2007 at 12:35 PM
i agree with most of the points, its the matter of personal freedom if one is comfortable enough to reveal his/her sexual history, i knw ppl myself who'r so sweet infront of their wives n never told them abt their sexual history, i knw they'v been wild devils in beds of other women befo they ended up tieng the knot..bt seems its diff for women to hide their history n they reveal it either bczz they wanna be truthful n show their faithfulness bt they forget tht the moment they reveal it the man's ego will rise n will always doubt abt her future if her past has been such.. since love n doubt r never on speaking terms, its a war full fledged war, emotional war, traditional war, orthodoxical war, hypocratic war... males r equally at fault they wanna fuk anybody anyone they like n they always try keepin it secret, and some breeds even boast out loud abt it, but wen it comes to marriage they want virgins, bcz they dun want their wives to be one of those gals tht they had slept with n never looked bck again, they tortured the bodies of those gals they were exploring life with, their worst nightmare is to get married to somebody whoz of a kind tht they had been with. They r fucking loosers in truth, they marry virgins so tht they'r not compared with anybody n rule the territory of their woman...
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rockgemini
on
April 1, 2007 at 10:29 PM
Hi,
I just had a sexual encounter for the first time in my life with a girl whom I had been talking for abt a month. She was ready to have sex and is a virgin. However, after erection, when I tried to push my penis, it did not enter her vagina as it was too tight and she was also afraid and shy to cooperate. I tried my level best, but it always slipped outside. I had three ejaculations too.. however, everytime I tried with a condom.. what is worrying me is, is it normal? or do I need to be worried because of this size problem in future? How should I handle it next time? -
Unknown
on
April 2, 2007 at 9:52 AM
hi lexy!!!
good article..fantabulous expressions...
but its sad to find people still cribbing for the so called asset of VIRGINITY.
i think such men r the most insecured pple of the woorld..they need power nd acceptance from peer groups to keep up with their survivals...otherwise y wld so many gals commit suicide wen they r raped??...y dnt they murder the rapist instead of killing them...???
everywhere "the need of social acceptance" comes into play.
We need balaced logical sensible men to deal with the issue of virginity...infact if u love ur wife and cant live without her...will the virginity factor count much for u??? -
Unknown
on
April 2, 2007 at 9:52 PM
hello sir!
nice article!
the question of virginity is not only
prevailing in the minds of people of india & pakistan,but it is in the mind of almost each & every male all over the world,
b'coz each & every male wants his wife to be a virgin,this count more in india ,pakistan, other middle east, gulf & islamic countries b'coz of their traditional values,culture & belief's,the simple question arises is that if i had never touched up any girl in my life so, in return i also want's an untouched wife,"jesus said,"those who are loved by god are kept virgin until they marry..." -
Unknown
on
April 6, 2007 at 4:14 AM
hello sir good article.... bt i find it very rubbish ... every1 who r doutin their wives cn even doubt their mothers ... verginity test is all rubbish ... think once the persons who are marryin a devorced gal????? is verginity matters in sum1s life?? i love my g.f doesnt matter shez vergine or nt.... it was just a past ... i luv her n she luves me dats ittt ..... THANKS n those who even now doubt their wives start doutin their mothers......
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Unknown
on
May 11, 2007 at 3:02 AM
Guys who want their gals to be virgins are NOT lovers, but just have infactuated manifestations of what they think is love. If you love a girl, it should not matter to you if she is a virgin or not. Right now she is with you, that is all that should matter to you. You can LIKE a girl cuz she is beautiful but you can NOT make it that way because she WOULD find some one who LOVES HER not just her BODY. So, take heed and forget the virginity test, if you can't then ask her. If she panics, you should know you are not her first, and if she leaves you then she is telling you that it is not a big deal. A girl who is raped should have the right to BRUTALLY MURDER her rapist(s), and I know many people who would support me in proposing so. I being a 25yr male, am still a virgin, I do not care if my g/f, wife is a virgin or not I would like her to know that I want it to be a special moment, I do not want to forget my first time.
CheerZ -
Unknown
on
May 14, 2007 at 8:56 AM
To Lexy London and his/her ilk.
-- Most of the Indian boys and girls are virgin before marriage.
Here pre marital sex is considered sin and is rightly so.
Western culture considers sex as the aim of life, Indian (Vedic) philosophy doesnt.
Even Christianity did not accept premarital sex as good until sometime ago when their preachers lost character and started accepting all rubbish.
-- If I am a virgin man during marriage, I may or maynot choose a virgin girl..but the point is what kind of character the children produced from such a relationship would have?
We don't want characterless children in India as you have in the US and Canada.So, the virginity of a woman before marriage is of prime importance.
Western thinkers who think only about meat, drink and sex cannot understand it and rightly so. -
Javed A
on
May 15, 2007 at 12:38 PM
Dear London,
Your ignorance is only exceeded by your haughtiness. Why don’t you try to accept the fact that different people on earth have different values and definitions of chastity and loyalty? What is irrelevant for you could be a very relevant indicator of personality type and compatibility for someone who lives in a different world. Not everyone subscribes to your idea of love or companionship with no concern for x, y or z.
And please don’t think that your society knows more about “healthy” relationships than the Asians – just compare your divorce rates to ours. What is sad, however, is that our divorce rates are rising as we are gravitating towards your culture.
Another point – virginity is not just a male chauvinistic view, in general women here also want to marry virgin guys. The basic idea is to have only one partner in your entire life and virginity (not hymen) at the time of marriage is an indicator of adherence to that concept. (Did you get that?)
I did not want to be judgmental like you, but you pissed me off with your blanket assumptions about a region which constitutes the bulk of humanity.
Regards,
India