by Lexy London

One of my friends wants to know your idea about a love between 2 persons, one religious (the man) and the other one nonreligious (the woman).
Thank you.

Usually when people have a "friend" who wants advice, the friend doesn't exist. For example, I imagine a lot of doctors hear, "I have a friend who has a burning sensation�" and end up prescribing medication for the patient in their office, not for the "friend." But, whether or not there's a friend, I'll try to answer this question�

Frankly, I have to admit that I can't be entirely objective when talking about this issue. I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian household, and my parents are still crossing their fingers that I'll settle down with someone from their religion. Actually, that's not true. They're so fundamentalist that they think superstitions are the work of the devil, so they wouldn't actually cross their fingers about anything. They do, however, hope I'll marry someone from their religion. And that's just not going to happen.

Religion is a very touchy subject. There are generational issues, cultural issues, familial considerations - and it often boils down to the amorphous concept of "faith." Though my anonymous reader didn't include which religion the man is, the fact that she's from Iran narrows the field of possibilities, but not so much that it makes it an easy question to answer. Since ninety percent of Iran is Shia Muslim, I will assume that the man involved is a practicing Muslim, but I will try to discuss the issue as it relates to all religions.

Both very religious, same religion
When both partners in a relationship are very devout to their religion, one would imagine few problems. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. For most people who are devoutly religious, their zeal is the result of careful religious instruction by parents. (In my case that resulted in abandonment of any religion, but apparently it works on some children.) So even a couple who shares the same faith may still be coming from two radically different places in terms of worship.

Both very religious, different religions
This is the classic definition of an "interfaith" relationship. I'll be honest with you, odds are you've chosen a rocky road with a significant number of potholes. With Catholics and Protestants, for instance, there are differences of opinion on what are seen as fundamental beliefs - a Catholic who whole-heartedly believes in infallibility of the Pope is going to butt heads with a Protestant who doesn't recognize the Pope as anything other than some guy in Rome. A Catholic who wants to have his or her child baptized at birth will likely get some resistance from a Protestant who believes that baptism is reserved for later in life with the person chooses to be "born again."

The problems multiply when the faiths are as different as, say, Judaism and Christianity. Rather than arguing about when to baptize a baby, the question is whether to do so. Worshipping together is rarely an option, and how to celebrate holy days or holidays - often very tied to religious expression - can be an ongoing struggle. Family pressure from both sides can also be the death knell for such a relationship. As discussed earlier, strong religious feelings are often the result of a devout childhood religious teaching, which would tend to indicate that the families of both partners feel very strongly about their respective religions. Also quite likely is the fact that the parents would be unhappy to "lose" their child to someone of a different faith and can usually be counted on to voice this displeasure often. Luckily, it's not at all stressful to have your parents tell you that they'll disown you if you marry someone not of their faith.

One very religious, one not
Finally we get to my reader's question. This may be a slightly less worrisome combination than both very religious, but it brings with it new concerns. First, I think the sex of the person who is very religious matters in this case. Here, the man is the religious one, and the woman is not. Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women, but for the most part, Muslim women are not allowed to marry outside the faith. For a Muslim man, I can see immediate problems. A devout Muslim man has been raised to believe certain things about the way men and women should behave in everything from dating, to marriage, to sex and parenting. For some Muslims, it is Makruh (detested but not forbidden by Islamic law) for a man to even look at his wife's vagina. I don't think I have to explain how this could cause relationship problems.

The bottom line is that faith is a very touchy endeavor. Attempting to meld lives with another person involves many levels of compromise and an incredible amount of communication. Although I think it may be difficult, I would not be quick to say that the relationship won't work. Including a layer of religious divergence simply adds to the list of things that need to be worked out before deciding to commit.

As with any other relationship issue, the best thing you can do is communicate. If your friend is truly non-religious, perhaps she would be open to conversion to Muslim or whatever religion the man involved practices. If she is not open to conversion, the couple needs to seriously discuss the havoc that religion could wreak on their lives. She may be in for discourteous treatment from his family, there may be issues about whether the children will be raised with religious instruction (and how much), she may even want to acquaint herself with the tenets of his religion, especially with regard to how men view women in general, and wives in particular.

Finally, the best part � sex. When couples from different religious backgrounds decide to make a go of it, they need to frankly discuss sexual expectations and experiences. For many devoutly religious people, sex is only a post-marriage sport. For many non-religious people, this is incomprehensible. Further, as mentioned above, some religions have specific sexual ground rules, and going into a marriage or relationship without knowing these could be a monumental mistake.

As always, honesty and communication is the key. It's better to "waste" a lot of time talking about the potential issues in your relationship, than to spend the time and money it takes to remove yourself from an unworkable situation.