by Lexy London

Potential sex sells. Take the litany of reality television shows whose sole purpose is to provide potential mates for one or more participants - everything from the old Dating Game, Singled Out (remember that?), Blind Date, Elimidate, the Bachelor, For Love or Money (answer: Money), Cupid, the Apprentice (season 1), and Average Joe. We Americans watch these shows not because they give us a warm, fuzzy feeling to see others' budding happiness. We watch for the train wrecks; we yell at the participants from our living rooms because we know this romance isn't going anywhere. The same goes for celebrity relationships. With the shocking exception of Brad & Jennifer, the long-term Hollywood relationship is virtually nonexistent.

So what can we simple folk learn from current events? What difference can a nightly dose of television followed by a People magazine chaser make in our lives? If nothing else, it can tell you ladies how NOT to find a husband.

Though conventional wisdom would indicate that a convicted felon (in or out of prison) would be the least desirable mate, there is actually an even worse alternative: the philandering, already-married, soon-to-be father guilty of murder ("the Scott Peterson"), toss in a pinch of Mormonism, possible psychosis and a completely contrived medical school career ("the Mark Hacking"), and you have the absolute worst husband material around. (Technically, I suppose, Peterson & Hacking are both eligible bachelors, and neither have to worry about the "single dad" stigma to dampen their dating prospects.) What are the two key takeaways from these sterling examples?

- If the love of your life (or the guy you're on a first date with) says he's a college student, don't take his word for it. Follow him to school. Talk to his professors. Ask the registrar for proof of enrollment.
- If after a few dates a man won't let you see his place, don't assume it's because he's a slob and is embarrassed. It could be a clue that his pregnant wife would be embarrassed by unannounced visitors. Again, follow him home and knock on the door. If a pregnant woman answers, don't let him convince you that she's his sister/cousin/stripper friend living with him while she gets her life together.

Sadly this column comes too late to save America's favorite pop star from certain marital doom. Poor Britney Spears - all the signs were there, but she was probably too busy instructing her assistant on the ins and outs of purchasing engagement rings to see them. Granted, Britney's new husband wasn't married when she met him, but his long-time girlfriend was quite pregnant and busy caring for their toddler when he left her for Britney. The two deductions to make from Britney's current situation?

- Kudos to Kevin Federline for marrying Ms. Spears without disposing of his pregnant girlfriend. And bonus points for doing it in a community property state.
- The old "he'll never leave her for you" adage apparently doesn't apply when you're a famous multi-millionaire.

Perhaps suitability wasn't foremost on Britney's mind - how does Federline manage to pay child support for two children AND his share of the $6.9 million mortgage on his back-up dancer salary?

Admittedly, there have been less suitable matches in the news lately. Former New Jersey Governor McGreevey's wife would no doubt agree that her husband wasn't suitable marriage material. But an even less suitable plan would be going to college, getting your teaching degree, procuring a job teaching 6th graders � in order to find the "man" of your dreams. In Spain, Argentina, Mexico, Korea and several other countries, 13-year-old "men" are fair game. Ours isn't one of them. Perhaps Mary Kay Letourneau was a long-term thinker - get 'em young and train 'em right. But the plan seems to have backfired largely because the no-contact order made communication difficult (though not impossible). Important points to note here?

- If you think he might be gay due to obvious signs like he's got a swishy walk or you've caught him making out with a guy, keep looking!
- If you're looking for someone you can mold, check the age of consent in your state or country: http://www.ageofconsent.com/ageofconsent.htm

The lessons to be learned from the trials and tribulations of famous folk are myriad. These are just a few of the more obvious ones. As this column continues, I'll be giving you advice on finding a quality mate (male or female), and keeping him or her. I'll give relationship advice, sex advice, and anything else you ask for (within reason). Feel free to send questions, comments and/or concerns to: lexy.london@gmail.com