by Lexy London

Newlyweds often find there are startling things they have to get used to: women fall into the toilet on occasion because they are surprised by a toilet seat left up, and men find that the sweet, caring, wonderful woman they married turns into a she-wolf for a couple of days each month. The same couple of days each month. Almost like it's on a lunar cycle.


I once sought your advice when I was still dating. Now that I am married, and living with my wife, there is something else I am beginning to realize that I have to deal with: pre-menstrual syndrome.

We have had our occasional misunderstandings, but none as severe as happens in the days leading up to her periods.

She says she feels a little confused about what people say to her, lots of things don't register, she feels extremely sensitive, and has mood swings. Before our marriage, when we were dating long-distance, we had severe misunderstandings over phone, and today we had a disagreement again over something trivial.

I just don't want something like this to wreck our relationship, so I would like to understand it better so that I can handle her well without losing my temper in such times, and perhaps it would be useful for other guys trying to understand their women too if you wrote a bit about it on your column.


As I often do with attentive, thoughtful husbands, first I congratulate you on your impulse to see what you can do to help the situation, as well as your recognition that the better you're able to deal with her PMS, the better your marriage will be.

Pre-menstrual syndrome (colloquially "PMS") is a collection of symptoms that are linked with a woman's menstrual cycle and the hormone fluctuations that accompany it. As the name indicates, the symptoms usually appear in the two weeks leading up to a woman's period, and tend to be alleviated by the start of her period. Different women have different symptoms, and while some women have none at all, others can be basically so incapacitated they are unable to carry on their daily activities. Common symptoms of PMS include:

- Tiredness or fatigue
- Mood swings, tension, irritability
- Bloating, upset stomach, diarrhea, constipation
- Water retention
- Acne
- Headaches
- Food cravings or appetite changes
- Inability to concentrate
- Memory problems
- Depression and/or anxiety
- Insomnia

First I'll tell you things she can try to improve her symptoms, and then I'll give you a little advice on how to deal with her when she's PMSing.

For Her

Since each woman is different, and each woman's symptoms (and their severity) are different, not every treatment works for every woman. Tell your wife that she'll need to be patient, but that there may be things that she can try to help lessen her PMS. One of the best things she can do is exercise regularly. The release of endorphins and improvement in general health will increase the brain chemical serotonin and can help symptoms of PMS. Another bit of general health advice is for her to eat lots of vegetables and protein, and to supplement her diet with a multivitamin that includes folic acid, calcium and vitamin D. Along with eating healthy foods, it's also good for her to avoid the less healthy ones - although food cravings are often one of the symptoms, and the cravings tend to include foods that are fatty, sugary, and salty, those are precisely the ones she'll want to try to avoid to ease the symptoms of PMS. Likewise, avoiding alcohol and caffeine and drinking eight to ten glasses of water a day will help keep her hydrated and may stave off some of the symptoms. Finally, have her keep track of when the symptoms tend to occur, and make sure that in the days leading up to it, she gets a lot of rest - a well-rested body is much more capable of dealing with both physical and emotional stress.

For You

The best thing you can do is try to be understanding and supportive. I guarantee that she isn't faking these symptoms, and she's as mystified by them as you are. Give her the advice I mentioned above, and then work with her to try to follow it. Since this happens every month, it's something you can actually anticipate and prepare for. If her symptoms tend to begin five days before her period, make sure that she gets exercise and rest in the ten days before her period, and encourage her to eat the right foods. In the beginning it won't be easy - if you still aren't able to predict when her symptoms will appear, start to keep a diary together. When she begins to feel the symptoms, have her write on a calendar exactly what she's feeling on the date she's feeling it. After a couple of months go by, you'll begin to see the pattern and it will probably help you both feel less helpless.

Along with all of this advice, keep in mind that the trivial things you're fighting about are just that - trivial. Think about how you feel when you have a stomach flu - your body is achy, your head is all fuzzy, you're nauseated, it's difficult to focus - and how cranky that makes you. And now imagine you have that to look forward to every month. Obviously I'm not encouraging you to let her rule the house with a capriciously iron fist while she's PMSing, but give her the benefit of the doubt, and if it's something that doesn't need to be resolved or decided immediately, put it off until she's better able to cope.

If you've followed my advice for a couple of months and nothing seems to be working, I'd suggest having her discuss her symptoms with a doctor. Some women respond quite well to the hormonal regulation provided by birth control pills, while others may require antidepressant type medications, but a doctor would be in the best position to determine how to treat her more severe symptoms.