by Lexy London

Over the past couple of months I've privately answered several questions about sexually transmitted diseases, but this one is serious enough that it deserves to be answered in public. The question comes from a reader in the United Arab Emirates.

I have several questions about AIDS:

I wanted to know that, how someone can understand he/she's got AIDS or not? Are there any signs for this disease? If yes, does it take a long time for them, to appear? Can using a condom guarantee not to get AIDS?

AIDS is an acronym that stands for Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. Acquired means that it is something one can become infected with, rather than something passed genetically by parents. Immune Deficiency describes the action of the disease - it compromises the body's natural immune system. And the word Syndrome is used because it's not like, say, heart disease which has several specific symptoms that add up to a disease. When someone is infected with AIDS, there are many different health problems that person may or may not have. I will discuss those below.

AIDS is caused by a virus called the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV), and it's important to recognize the difference. Someone can be infected with HIV for many years before they develop symptoms of AIDS. When someone is infected with HIV, their body attempts to fight the virus and creates antibodies to attack the virus, but these antibodies don't develop immediately, either. Because an HIV blood test searches for the HIV antibodies, if someone has recently been infected with HIV, they may test negative yet still be passing the virus to others.

When someone is first infected, they may have flu-like symptoms for a couple of weeks while their body tries to fight the virus, including a fever, swollen glands, headache and stomachache. However, not everyone gets these symptoms - many people have no idea they have been infected. During this early period of infection (called "acute-HIV infection"), the infected person has a very high blood concentration of HIV which makes transmission to others as much as 20 times more likely.

After the acute infection passes, the virus remains in the body. The body continues to create antibodies that try to fight the virus. For years, someone who is infected can show no symptoms at all, but their natural immune system is being slowly damaged. Doctors are able to test for immune system damage by measuring the number of T-helper cells in a milliliter of blood. A normal human has between 500 and 1500 T-cells, and as the disease progresses, this number drops. As the number of T-cells drops, the body becomes less and less able to handle everyday infections like colds, flu, and a cold that should last a couple of days may last a couple of weeks.

When the T-cell count drops below 200, a diagnosis of HIV infection becomes a diagnosis of AIDS. With a T-cell count so low, the immune system cannot fight what is called "opportunistic infections." The Centers for Disease Control has an official list of opportunistic infections in AIDS, but the most common are:

- Kaposi's Sarcoma (KS), a specific type of skin cancer
- Pneumocystis pneumonia (PCP), a lung infection
- Herpes simplex, cold sores that appear around the mouth or nose
- Candida, a fungal infection that can affect your mouth, throat or groin area
- Cytomegalovirus (CMV), an eye infection.

These are the classic "symptoms" of someone infected with AIDS, but as I said above, someone can be HIV positive for years before any of these symptoms appear (the average now is 8 to 11 years). Further someone could have one or two of these "symptoms" and not be HIV positive, nor have AIDS. The only way for you to be sure that you or someone else isn't infected with HIV is to be tested. Also, as discussed above, if you are tested soon after being infected, it is possible to test negative because your body hasn't had time to create the antibodies that the test looks for. Doctors call the time between infection and antibody appearance the "Window Period." For about 95% of people infected with HIV, it takes about three months for antibodies to appear, for others it can take up to six months. For this reason, if you fear you could be infected, it is best to be tested twice - six months apart.

So the next logical questions are "How could I be infected?" and "How can I prevent infection?"

HIV is present in blood, semen, vaginal secretions and breast milk, therefore contact with these fluids from an infected person can lead to infection. Activities that can put you into contact with these fluids are:

Unprotected sexual contact
- Vaginal intercourse: HIV can be passed from an infected male to female and an infected female to a male. Tiny, unnoticeable tears can be caused by intercourse, and create a very hospitable place for the virus.
- Anal intercourse: Like vaginal intercourse, small tears can be made in the rectum which may lead to infection. Unprotected vaginal and anal intercourse are considered high-risk behaviors.
- Oral sex: The mouth is generally an inhospitable environment for the virus, but there have been cases of transmission via both oral-vaginal and oral-penile sex. However, this is generally considered a low-risk behavior.

Direct blood contact
- Use of infected needles: intravenous drug users often exchange needles - using the needle of someone who is infected is a high-risk behavior.
- Blood transfusions from infected blood: although the risk of infection via blood transfusion in the United States is now quite remote, I do not have information on the chances in other countries.
- Accidents in healthcare settings.

Mother to child
- Before or during birth.
- Via breastfeeding: because HIV is present in breast milk, in developing countries this is a primary risk for children of infected women.

To prevent infection during sexual activity, the best protection is a latex condom. According to a Center for Disease Control study of uninfected partners of people who were HIV-positive, latex condoms can be 98-100% effective in preventing transmission of HIV when used correctly and consistently. This means using a latex condom whenever the penis comes into contact with the vagina or rectum, and using it throughout sexual contact. It also means using a new condom for each new instance of intercourse, keeping in mind that oil-based lubricants can compromise the integrity of condoms. Be aware that sheepskin condoms do not prevent transmission of STDs, including HIV because they have tiny holes.

For oral sex, a non-lubricated condom can be used for fellatio, and a dental dam or other latex barrier for cunnilingus.

Also, though the chance of HIV transmission via kissing is remote, there have been cases where open-mouthed "deep" kissing has lead to infection, though doctors believe that it is only possible when both partners have some sort of open wounds in the mouth (sores, gingivitis, etc.) that allow blood to blood contact.

Two final notes:
- If you are infected with HIV, you should not assume that it is "safe" to have unprotected sex with someone else who is HIV positive. Though it may seem harmless, there are different strains of HIV, and you could become infected with two different strains which would obviously be very detrimental to your health.

- This question came from a reader in the United Arab Emirates so I am going to comment on the current state of HIV/AIDS in the Middle East. In 2003, Carol Jenkins and David Robalino issued a report titled, "HIV/AIDS in the Middle East and North Africa: The Costs of Inaction." In their report they worry that the official government numbers for HIV/AIDS infection in Arab countries are extremely low estimates, partially due to the fact that the highest risk behaviors for transmission (homosexual sex, intravenous drug use, and sex-for-hire) are illegal under Islamic law. Although some Middle Eastern countries are making efforts to curb the epidemic, more can certainly be done. Finally, I wish that I could give you advice on confidential or anonymous testing in your country, but that information just isn't available. I urge you, and any other reader who is worried they could be infected, to get a test as soon as possible, and practice safe sex every time.

by Lexy London

Potential sex sells. Take the litany of reality television shows whose sole purpose is to provide potential mates for one or more participants - everything from the old Dating Game, Singled Out (remember that?), Blind Date, Elimidate, the Bachelor, For Love or Money (answer: Money), Cupid, the Apprentice (season 1), and Average Joe. We Americans watch these shows not because they give us a warm, fuzzy feeling to see others' budding happiness. We watch for the train wrecks; we yell at the participants from our living rooms because we know this romance isn't going anywhere. The same goes for celebrity relationships. With the shocking exception of Brad & Jennifer, the long-term Hollywood relationship is virtually nonexistent.

So what can we simple folk learn from current events? What difference can a nightly dose of television followed by a People magazine chaser make in our lives? If nothing else, it can tell you ladies how NOT to find a husband.

Though conventional wisdom would indicate that a convicted felon (in or out of prison) would be the least desirable mate, there is actually an even worse alternative: the philandering, already-married, soon-to-be father guilty of murder ("the Scott Peterson"), toss in a pinch of Mormonism, possible psychosis and a completely contrived medical school career ("the Mark Hacking"), and you have the absolute worst husband material around. (Technically, I suppose, Peterson & Hacking are both eligible bachelors, and neither have to worry about the "single dad" stigma to dampen their dating prospects.) What are the two key takeaways from these sterling examples?

- If the love of your life (or the guy you're on a first date with) says he's a college student, don't take his word for it. Follow him to school. Talk to his professors. Ask the registrar for proof of enrollment.
- If after a few dates a man won't let you see his place, don't assume it's because he's a slob and is embarrassed. It could be a clue that his pregnant wife would be embarrassed by unannounced visitors. Again, follow him home and knock on the door. If a pregnant woman answers, don't let him convince you that she's his sister/cousin/stripper friend living with him while she gets her life together.

Sadly this column comes too late to save America's favorite pop star from certain marital doom. Poor Britney Spears - all the signs were there, but she was probably too busy instructing her assistant on the ins and outs of purchasing engagement rings to see them. Granted, Britney's new husband wasn't married when she met him, but his long-time girlfriend was quite pregnant and busy caring for their toddler when he left her for Britney. The two deductions to make from Britney's current situation?

- Kudos to Kevin Federline for marrying Ms. Spears without disposing of his pregnant girlfriend. And bonus points for doing it in a community property state.
- The old "he'll never leave her for you" adage apparently doesn't apply when you're a famous multi-millionaire.

Perhaps suitability wasn't foremost on Britney's mind - how does Federline manage to pay child support for two children AND his share of the $6.9 million mortgage on his back-up dancer salary?

Admittedly, there have been less suitable matches in the news lately. Former New Jersey Governor McGreevey's wife would no doubt agree that her husband wasn't suitable marriage material. But an even less suitable plan would be going to college, getting your teaching degree, procuring a job teaching 6th graders � in order to find the "man" of your dreams. In Spain, Argentina, Mexico, Korea and several other countries, 13-year-old "men" are fair game. Ours isn't one of them. Perhaps Mary Kay Letourneau was a long-term thinker - get 'em young and train 'em right. But the plan seems to have backfired largely because the no-contact order made communication difficult (though not impossible). Important points to note here?

- If you think he might be gay due to obvious signs like he's got a swishy walk or you've caught him making out with a guy, keep looking!
- If you're looking for someone you can mold, check the age of consent in your state or country: http://www.ageofconsent.com/ageofconsent.htm

The lessons to be learned from the trials and tribulations of famous folk are myriad. These are just a few of the more obvious ones. As this column continues, I'll be giving you advice on finding a quality mate (male or female), and keeping him or her. I'll give relationship advice, sex advice, and anything else you ask for (within reason). Feel free to send questions, comments and/or concerns to: lexy.london@gmail.com

by Lexy London

Newlyweds often find there are startling things they have to get used to: women fall into the toilet on occasion because they are surprised by a toilet seat left up, and men find that the sweet, caring, wonderful woman they married turns into a she-wolf for a couple of days each month. The same couple of days each month. Almost like it's on a lunar cycle.


I once sought your advice when I was still dating. Now that I am married, and living with my wife, there is something else I am beginning to realize that I have to deal with: pre-menstrual syndrome.

We have had our occasional misunderstandings, but none as severe as happens in the days leading up to her periods.

She says she feels a little confused about what people say to her, lots of things don't register, she feels extremely sensitive, and has mood swings. Before our marriage, when we were dating long-distance, we had severe misunderstandings over phone, and today we had a disagreement again over something trivial.

I just don't want something like this to wreck our relationship, so I would like to understand it better so that I can handle her well without losing my temper in such times, and perhaps it would be useful for other guys trying to understand their women too if you wrote a bit about it on your column.


As I often do with attentive, thoughtful husbands, first I congratulate you on your impulse to see what you can do to help the situation, as well as your recognition that the better you're able to deal with her PMS, the better your marriage will be.

Pre-menstrual syndrome (colloquially "PMS") is a collection of symptoms that are linked with a woman's menstrual cycle and the hormone fluctuations that accompany it. As the name indicates, the symptoms usually appear in the two weeks leading up to a woman's period, and tend to be alleviated by the start of her period. Different women have different symptoms, and while some women have none at all, others can be basically so incapacitated they are unable to carry on their daily activities. Common symptoms of PMS include:

- Tiredness or fatigue
- Mood swings, tension, irritability
- Bloating, upset stomach, diarrhea, constipation
- Water retention
- Acne
- Headaches
- Food cravings or appetite changes
- Inability to concentrate
- Memory problems
- Depression and/or anxiety
- Insomnia

First I'll tell you things she can try to improve her symptoms, and then I'll give you a little advice on how to deal with her when she's PMSing.

For Her

Since each woman is different, and each woman's symptoms (and their severity) are different, not every treatment works for every woman. Tell your wife that she'll need to be patient, but that there may be things that she can try to help lessen her PMS. One of the best things she can do is exercise regularly. The release of endorphins and improvement in general health will increase the brain chemical serotonin and can help symptoms of PMS. Another bit of general health advice is for her to eat lots of vegetables and protein, and to supplement her diet with a multivitamin that includes folic acid, calcium and vitamin D. Along with eating healthy foods, it's also good for her to avoid the less healthy ones - although food cravings are often one of the symptoms, and the cravings tend to include foods that are fatty, sugary, and salty, those are precisely the ones she'll want to try to avoid to ease the symptoms of PMS. Likewise, avoiding alcohol and caffeine and drinking eight to ten glasses of water a day will help keep her hydrated and may stave off some of the symptoms. Finally, have her keep track of when the symptoms tend to occur, and make sure that in the days leading up to it, she gets a lot of rest - a well-rested body is much more capable of dealing with both physical and emotional stress.

For You

The best thing you can do is try to be understanding and supportive. I guarantee that she isn't faking these symptoms, and she's as mystified by them as you are. Give her the advice I mentioned above, and then work with her to try to follow it. Since this happens every month, it's something you can actually anticipate and prepare for. If her symptoms tend to begin five days before her period, make sure that she gets exercise and rest in the ten days before her period, and encourage her to eat the right foods. In the beginning it won't be easy - if you still aren't able to predict when her symptoms will appear, start to keep a diary together. When she begins to feel the symptoms, have her write on a calendar exactly what she's feeling on the date she's feeling it. After a couple of months go by, you'll begin to see the pattern and it will probably help you both feel less helpless.

Along with all of this advice, keep in mind that the trivial things you're fighting about are just that - trivial. Think about how you feel when you have a stomach flu - your body is achy, your head is all fuzzy, you're nauseated, it's difficult to focus - and how cranky that makes you. And now imagine you have that to look forward to every month. Obviously I'm not encouraging you to let her rule the house with a capriciously iron fist while she's PMSing, but give her the benefit of the doubt, and if it's something that doesn't need to be resolved or decided immediately, put it off until she's better able to cope.

If you've followed my advice for a couple of months and nothing seems to be working, I'd suggest having her discuss her symptoms with a doctor. Some women respond quite well to the hormonal regulation provided by birth control pills, while others may require antidepressant type medications, but a doctor would be in the best position to determine how to treat her more severe symptoms.

by Lexy London

Some weeks I get to give readers exciting advice, like telling girls how to masturbate, and other weeks I need to fulfill the calling of a sexual health advisor. Though this week's column won't win any titillation awards, it might answer some questions women are too shy to ask, and provide more information than the average man wants to know about menstrual apparatuses.

I just came to the United States to get my masters' degree and I have realized that women use tampons instead of pads. Tampons are not available in my country. They seem to be convenient, but I am worried to try them myself. Are tampons better than sanitary pads? Why do American women prefer them? I am also a virgin and my religion requires this, will using a tampon make me not a virgin? Are there other dangers of using tampons? Can I use a tampon and a pad at the same time?


First, welcome to the United States - no doubt the tampon discovery will not be your last surprise in America. I'll take your questions one at a time.

Are tampons better than sanitary pads?

Tampons aren't better or worse than pads. They serve the same function, but for most women it comes down to simple preference. Tampons do have certain health risks that you need to be aware of if you decide to use them (see below), but there are pros and cons to using both. For instance, if you wear a pad and tight clothing, it's possible for people to notice the pad. Wearing a tampon with tight clothing may not be a problem (but I don't know a lot of women who are into wearing tight, white pants during those particular days of the month, despite what American commercials like to show.)

Why do American women prefer them?

I don't know for sure (in fact, I'm not sure they do), but if you're at a college, it's probably true that most young women do prefer tampons. Generally they're more discreet (easier to carry, less noticeable), more comfortable (if it's inserted correctly, you shouldn't feel it), and they let you do more activities freely - if you want to swim while you have your period, you can put in a tampon and it's no problem.

Will using a tampon make me not a virgin?

Tampons do not affect virginity. The definition "virgin" is: A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse. Obviously putting a tampon into your vagina is in no way experiencing sexual intercourse. If, however, your big worry is that inserting a tampon could break your hymen, and having an intact hymen is important to your safety, etc, it is a possibility that using a tampon could stretch or tear your hymen. Different women have different hymens - some have a stretchable membrane that barely covers the vagina, others have a "perforated" membrane which could be broken by inserting or removing a tampon. Because I recognize that in some parts of the world, women can be in danger for perceived immoral conduct, if you fear that this could put you at risk, I'd advise you to stick with pads for now.

Are there other dangers of using tampons?

There is one important health concern that you should be aware of if you decide to use tampons - Toxic Shock Syndrome or TSS. If you open a box of tampons, you will find an insert that discusses the risks, symptoms, and ways to prevent TSS. TSS is a rare bacterial infection that affects a small percentage of tampon users, but if you are careful using tampons you can avoid it. Make sure you wash your hands before inserting a tampon, and be careful to follow the directions that come with the tampons. They are made to be inside you for a very specific period of time. Leaving them inside your body for longer than recommended, or using a tampon with an absorbency level greater than necessary, can cause problems (and TSS). Basically you should use the absorbency level that lets you keep it in for four to six hours without leaking. If, at four hours, your tampon is leaking, you should move to the next level of absorbency. (They come in Light, Regular, Super, and Super Plus, and the absorbency levels are regulated by the government, so all tampon manufacturers have similar absorbency levels.) Again, be sure to read the directions that come with the tampons.

Also, tampons come in "deodorant," but many women find that the perfuming element is irritating. When first trying tampons, stick with the unscented.

Can I use a tampon and a pad at the same time?

Yes, you can. And many women do. In fact, you'll see that there are products called "panty liners" that are quite useful for that purpose. For women who have leakage problems with tampons, or don't want to take the chance, using tampons with a small pad or panty liner is reassuring.

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by Lexy London

Some men love to do it, some men refuse to do it, and some men will only do it if they have a signed contract guaranteeing a reciprocal act will be performed on them. But this week's question shows that apparently there's another category of men out there - the ones who sincerely want to, but, darn it, just can't get past the odor.


I've never been too frivolous with women which is what I would attribute the naivety of my question to. I've always had a problem giving women oral pleasure. To put it more accurately, I haven't been able to with the two women I've been with!

My issue is not that I don't want to, believe me I've tried because I really want to, well, make her feel good. But it's just that as I go south, and near the holiest of holies, I unintentionally gag because of the smell. Now, I'm worried as to whether this is psychological or whether it's just something I need to overcome.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a pig who's just too macho wacho to do it, I really want to but haven't been able to. And trust me, it's embarrassing. I usually then try to cover up by teasing her or just using my hands. I don't want to talk to her about it, it's kind of insulting but I know she's probably wondering why I do (er, don't do) this...


Yes, she probably is wondering what the deal is, especially if she's hobbing your knob on any kind of regular basis. So let's work through a couple of things and hopefully find a solution for your problem.

First, the fact that the same thing has happened with two women is worrisome. Women have different chemistries, metabolisms, etc, so it's a little odd that you would find two women who both have such a strong vaginal odor that you nearly lose your lunch. If it was just one woman, I'd say she may have a yeast or bacterial infection that she needed to have checked out medically. But two women... Could this be a psychological problem? I suppose it could be. Just in case, lay back on the couch and thing long and hard about what this particular smell conjures up for you. Did both women smell bad in the same way? Is it a regular body-odor smell, or a something's-not-right-in-that-vagina smell? Did you have a traumatic run in with a clam in early childhood?

All kidding aside, I wouldn't be doing my job if I just said, "Ah, yes, it must be psychological." Let's look at the problem logically. The crotch area (for men and women) is generally a place shrouded in clothing and hair, and therefore it gets hot and sweaty. Bacteria love hot and sweaty. Bacteria are what cause body odor. For instance, when your armpits are damp, you lift your arm, exposing the sweat and bacteria to the air - when you sniff, you nearly knock yourself out. The same applies to the genital area. And even if your girlfriend hasn't just returned from a serious workout at the gym, there is a natural odor that comes with the vagina, the same way that I guarantee there's an odor that accompanies your equipment.

With all of that information in mind, my first advice to you would be to talk to her about it. I understand your reluctance to do so - you may envision an uncomfortable scene for both of you, but mature people having mature sex should be able to talk about something like this. If you'd really like to please her this way (and you expect her to do the same for you), then maybe having a talk about it would help. But I also understand that you don't want to embarrass her, and maybe you're embarrassed about your own gag reflex.

So if you don't want to talk to her about it, the next best thing is to make your oral move when her vagina is freshly laundered. For instance, next time she's just gotten out of the shower, right as she's getting ready to get dressed for school or work, throw her on the bed, or kneel in front of her, and get busy. A clean vagina may still have a little of the natural odor, but it shouldn't make you gag. (If it does, maybe you'll want to revisit psychological angle.) If you're still worried it will make you gag, breathe through your mouth instead of your nose - close off your sinus breathing the same way you do when you go swimming.

Your other option is to make it your mission remove as much of the odor as possible - tell her you want to give her a relaxing bath, ask her if you can shave her nether regions. Hair can be one of the big culprits in the heat, sweat and bacteria fight. If she lets you shave her, be VERY careful. If she doesn't want to do that, just give her a full bath, relax her by washing her hair, soap and rinse all the nooks and crannies� and you'll end up with a relaxed woman and a fresh vagina that's just ripe for the licking.

by Lexy London

How can I have a FRENCH KISS of my girlfriend?

Ask and ye shall receive. First I'll give some general tips on French kissing, and then cover the common kissing pitfalls experienced by all, be they newbies or old pros.

I can't really tell from your question what stage your relationship is at, but before you dive into the world of tongue kissing, I urge you both to relax and become well-versed in the art of ordinary, non-tongue kissing. Especially at the beginning of a relationship, there's really no reason to rush things. By taking it slow, you will both become physically comfortable with each other. Showing her non-kissing affection like holding her hand, putting your arm around her, resting your hand on her neck or the small of her back - these are the kinds of things that can help you gauge the comfort level you've reached and if she's okay with that kind of contact, you're ready to start the kissing.

Keep it slow. There's a reason MTV has an award for best on-screen kiss. And there's also a reason that women get off on cheesy romantic movies and not hardcore porn. This may or may not be part of foreplay, but there's very little that's sexier than a long, amazing kiss. Start with just lips, touching lightly together. Close your eyes; don't think of anything. Concentrate on the sensations. Part your lips when it feels right. Move closer. Don't forget to use your hands. Gently rub your partner's back, neck, run your fingers through their hair, trace a finger along the collar bone.

When you've done the tame stuff for a while, get your tongue involved. Dart the tip of your tongue out to touch her lower lip. You'll find that Newton's Third Law of Motion is true. Her tongue will come out to play. Make a mental note of what she does. Generally, people kiss the way they want to be kissed. If she pets your tongue with hers, feel free to reciprocate. If she gently bites your bottom lip, she's not going to object to a nibble. When things start heating up, let her know by voicing it. You don't have to be articulate since your lips are obviously preoccupied. Just make the kind of noise that lets her know you're captivated - a moan, a growl, even a groan gets the message across.

If things progress to necking - don't suck so hard you give her a hickey! Hickeys are juvenile and honestly no one enjoys it. You're not a vampire, and unless she wears a burka, everyone will know what y'all were up to.

Also, if you're going to be making out for any length of time, shave before your date. If you don't, she'll be "scruffed" - my term for the red chafing around and about the mouth and chin as a result of kissing a man who thinks a day's growth of beard is sexy. The next morning she'll look like a baboon's ass.

And finally, the common pitfalls experienced by girls from all four corners of the world:

Star Trek-tongue: Going boldly where no tongue has gone before. This is the unfortunate situation where a guy inserts his tongue so far into his partner's mouth that the gag reflex is triggered - good for bulimics, bad for everyone else. This is never sexy. Seriously. And I've never heard of a girl doing this. Why? I commissioned a psych study on it, but my preliminary theory is the Surrogate Penis Complex - for now, only your tongue will be breaching those lips, so you're making the most of the situation.

One-two-three-four, I declare a tongue war: Pretty self-explanatory. Tongue War ensues whenever boundaries are unclear. So if you're Yasser Arafat, and you have a hot date with Ariel Sharon, you're going to need to put up some orange cones in the West Bank. If you feel like you're constantly advancing, and she's constantly retreating and fighting off your artillery with pebbles, then it might be time to sit down and discuss the situation. She probably won't want to hurt your feelings, so ask her to show you how she likes to be kissed. Then kiss her that way.

A little too much spittle: It's fine for there to be saliva involved, but not if it's involved with your partner's chin, neck or shirt. And you certainly don't want a spit "line" spanning your two mouths if you pull back to look longingly into her eyes. If the spit isn't contained in your mouths, you're doing something wrong.

The "Clank": Usually the result of an excess of enthusiasm and one too many rum and cokes. This is when you swoop in for the kiss, but so does your partner, and you end up smacking front teeth together. It can be painful and potentially expensive. Slow the hell down. She's obviously into you, so let her come to you.

by Lexy London

One of my friends wants to know your idea about a love between 2 persons, one religious (the man) and the other one nonreligious (the woman).
Thank you.

Usually when people have a "friend" who wants advice, the friend doesn't exist. For example, I imagine a lot of doctors hear, "I have a friend who has a burning sensation�" and end up prescribing medication for the patient in their office, not for the "friend." But, whether or not there's a friend, I'll try to answer this question�

Frankly, I have to admit that I can't be entirely objective when talking about this issue. I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian household, and my parents are still crossing their fingers that I'll settle down with someone from their religion. Actually, that's not true. They're so fundamentalist that they think superstitions are the work of the devil, so they wouldn't actually cross their fingers about anything. They do, however, hope I'll marry someone from their religion. And that's just not going to happen.

Religion is a very touchy subject. There are generational issues, cultural issues, familial considerations - and it often boils down to the amorphous concept of "faith." Though my anonymous reader didn't include which religion the man is, the fact that she's from Iran narrows the field of possibilities, but not so much that it makes it an easy question to answer. Since ninety percent of Iran is Shia Muslim, I will assume that the man involved is a practicing Muslim, but I will try to discuss the issue as it relates to all religions.

Both very religious, same religion
When both partners in a relationship are very devout to their religion, one would imagine few problems. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. For most people who are devoutly religious, their zeal is the result of careful religious instruction by parents. (In my case that resulted in abandonment of any religion, but apparently it works on some children.) So even a couple who shares the same faith may still be coming from two radically different places in terms of worship.

Both very religious, different religions
This is the classic definition of an "interfaith" relationship. I'll be honest with you, odds are you've chosen a rocky road with a significant number of potholes. With Catholics and Protestants, for instance, there are differences of opinion on what are seen as fundamental beliefs - a Catholic who whole-heartedly believes in infallibility of the Pope is going to butt heads with a Protestant who doesn't recognize the Pope as anything other than some guy in Rome. A Catholic who wants to have his or her child baptized at birth will likely get some resistance from a Protestant who believes that baptism is reserved for later in life with the person chooses to be "born again."

The problems multiply when the faiths are as different as, say, Judaism and Christianity. Rather than arguing about when to baptize a baby, the question is whether to do so. Worshipping together is rarely an option, and how to celebrate holy days or holidays - often very tied to religious expression - can be an ongoing struggle. Family pressure from both sides can also be the death knell for such a relationship. As discussed earlier, strong religious feelings are often the result of a devout childhood religious teaching, which would tend to indicate that the families of both partners feel very strongly about their respective religions. Also quite likely is the fact that the parents would be unhappy to "lose" their child to someone of a different faith and can usually be counted on to voice this displeasure often. Luckily, it's not at all stressful to have your parents tell you that they'll disown you if you marry someone not of their faith.

One very religious, one not
Finally we get to my reader's question. This may be a slightly less worrisome combination than both very religious, but it brings with it new concerns. First, I think the sex of the person who is very religious matters in this case. Here, the man is the religious one, and the woman is not. Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women, but for the most part, Muslim women are not allowed to marry outside the faith. For a Muslim man, I can see immediate problems. A devout Muslim man has been raised to believe certain things about the way men and women should behave in everything from dating, to marriage, to sex and parenting. For some Muslims, it is Makruh (detested but not forbidden by Islamic law) for a man to even look at his wife's vagina. I don't think I have to explain how this could cause relationship problems.

The bottom line is that faith is a very touchy endeavor. Attempting to meld lives with another person involves many levels of compromise and an incredible amount of communication. Although I think it may be difficult, I would not be quick to say that the relationship won't work. Including a layer of religious divergence simply adds to the list of things that need to be worked out before deciding to commit.

As with any other relationship issue, the best thing you can do is communicate. If your friend is truly non-religious, perhaps she would be open to conversion to Muslim or whatever religion the man involved practices. If she is not open to conversion, the couple needs to seriously discuss the havoc that religion could wreak on their lives. She may be in for discourteous treatment from his family, there may be issues about whether the children will be raised with religious instruction (and how much), she may even want to acquaint herself with the tenets of his religion, especially with regard to how men view women in general, and wives in particular.

Finally, the best part � sex. When couples from different religious backgrounds decide to make a go of it, they need to frankly discuss sexual expectations and experiences. For many devoutly religious people, sex is only a post-marriage sport. For many non-religious people, this is incomprehensible. Further, as mentioned above, some religions have specific sexual ground rules, and going into a marriage or relationship without knowing these could be a monumental mistake.

As always, honesty and communication is the key. It's better to "waste" a lot of time talking about the potential issues in your relationship, than to spend the time and money it takes to remove yourself from an unworkable situation.

by Lexy London

This week I'm answering a question I've gotten a couple of times from readers in Pakistan. Before I delve into the question and answer, I'd first like to apologize if my response seems harsh - it is not my intent to judge cultural or religious beliefs. The Internet has opened the floodgates to a worldwide community that shares a lot of interests and values, but there are still fundamental differences between cultures and for me, this issue strikes at the core of those differences.

The question, with a little variation between readers, is:

During first time sex, how can I know whether the girl is virgin or not? Is there any way to find out without letting her know?

The question seems simple enough, but it doesn't have a straightforward answer. When I first got a question like this, it made me wonder about the person asking, wonder about where he came from, and speculate about what kind of romantic or sexual situation he was in that would first, make him want to know whether his partner was a virgin, and second, make him want to keep that information to himself.

What is a virgin? From the manner the question is asked, it seems like my reader is looking for a physical manifestation of virginity. The hymen is a bit of tissue that either partially or completely blocks the vagina, and breaking it is what results in the conventional bleeding that occurs when a woman has intercourse for the first time. However, there are many reasons why a woman wouldn't bleed - some women are simply not born with a hymen that covers their vagina, others break their hymen by doing such innocuous things as horseback riding, exercising, or using tampons.

It has long been known that even women who haven't experienced sexual intercourse don't bleed their first time. Centuries ago, mothers would provide vials of chicken blood to their daughters on their wedding nights so that they could "prove" their chastity to their husbands. And even today, in some communities in Italy, honeymoon bedsheets are put on display for the community - God help the girl whose mother wasn't with the program.

So, physically, you may or may not find proof that your partner is a virgin. It is not the hymen that makes a woman a virgin, it is the fact that she hasn't had sexual intercourse. Which brings me to the question of why my readers want to know. As I consider this problem, I came up with three possible explanations (please feel free to e-mail me with others if you think of them).

My first theory is perhaps my reader is young, inexperienced, and unsure about the sex act itself. He is either insecure about his own performance or afraid of the possibility of being compared to past lovers. If this is the case, get over it. If your relationship has progressed to the point that she's willing to make love to you, she's not going to care either way, and the first time probably isn't going to be one for the record books anyway. Enthusiasm and nervousness don't make the most memorable lovemaking sessions.

My second guess is that he is concerned about the more concrete worry of sexually transmitted diseases. Perhaps he is thinking that if she is a virgin, it is a perfect time to go without a condom - if he has proof she's never had sex, there's no chance of catching anything from her. Interesting theory . . . but bad on more than one count. First, without having had intercourse, a woman could be infected with sexually transmitted disease. They can be transmitted by genital-genital contact (without the penis actually entering the vagina), by oral-genital contact, and there are even remote chances that contact with an infected towel or sheet could lead to infection. Second, taking the risk of going without a condom is always a bad idea. Do you want to be a father? Is she ready to be a mother? Are you ready to get married to this girl who you don't even trust enough to be honest with you about her sexual history?

Which brings me to the last possibility - my readers are actually freshly wedded (or about to get married) and worried that their wives aren't quite as virtuous as they'd hoped. If this is the case, I don't have a lot of faith in the future of these relationships. Perhaps to some the American version of chastity and morals is a degraded version of, say, India & Pakistan's, but then we don't take women to doctors for virginity testing, and don't force women to prove their chastity by holding their breath under water (Paani ki Dheej) or handling hot coals (Agnipariksha).

If you have found the girl you truly want to marry, and have even a little bit of communication, you should feel comfortable asking her about her sexual history. She, however, should feel just as comfortable either telling you or not telling you. If either of those choices isn't acceptable, maybe you shouldn't get married. If you either don't believe what she does tell you (meaning you want some sort of physical proof), or aren't able to make peace with her not telling you, there will always be a barrier in your relationship, and even across cultures I don't see that barrier coming down. And just to throw a wrench into the minds of all the men who are convinced their wives were chaste because their hymens were intact on their wedding nights, there is a surgery called hymenorraphy in which a plastic surgeon reconstructs the hymen.

Two final notes:
1. If you are planning to have sex (before or after marriage), it is always a good idea for both partners to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

2. A note to ladies in places where virginity is a commodity - if you are going to have premarital sex, the best advice seems to be not to tell anyone, including close friends. In general, I'm an advocate of honesty, but if it threatens your health and/or wellbeing, it's no one's business but your own.

by Lexy London

Over the past year, or so, I've read posts on various feminist blogs, like Feministing, Feminste, and Broadsheet, bemoaning the skankification of the average American woman, and pointing to the Pussycat Dolls as the perfect embodiment of the trend. Up until last week, I simply thought the feminist bloggers were taking the pop sextet too seriously. Sure, they started off as a burlesque group, and now routinely sing songs that ask questions like, "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?" or implore a would-be lover to, "Lossen up my buttons," but that sort of subject matter is now de rigeur in pop music.

I didn't perceive any difference between them or the likes of Shakira, Beyonce, or any other poptartlet that shakes her stuff and hikes up her skirt for the enjoyment of the masses. They were just another manufactured pop group that strutted around in lingerie and lip-synched superficial lyrics - the perfect distillation of contemporary pop music, quasi-porn played out over danceable beats. Then, watched "Pussycat Dolls Presents: The Search for the Next Doll" via YouTube, and was absolutely horrified.

After reading a column in Salon that went to great effort to lambaste the Pussycat Dolls and the show, while repeatedly referring to the members and contestants as "whoring sea donkeys," my interest was piqued. I brought up the video snippets and watched one full episode of "The Search for the Next Doll," which is essentially an "America's Next Top Model" for pop music. I was appalled.

I wasn't shocked by cleavage, gyrating hips, boy shorts, hair tossing, or pouty-lipped camera preening. I'm not Amish and I don't live in a cave; I'm fully desensitized to silicone breasts and butt cheeks hanging out of the back of hot pants by now. What horrified me was seeing a group of young women being actively brainwashed into further buying into a pop culture version of feminine "empowerment" which can basically be defined as "smile while we exploit you." Watching Robin Antin (the creator of the Pussycat dolls) and their vocal and dancing coaches, size all the young women up in an unwholesomely predatory and unsympathetic manner made me queasy.

The most unsettling portion of the episode I watched was when Robin took all the contestants out to dinner, let them relax and savor their food a bit and then had the restaurant flip a switch and reveal two lingerie-clad women writhing in glass boxes, placed strategically behind the bar. Robin bared her teeth into an approximation of a smile while she gestured towards the dancers and told the girls that they were next. They were all commanded to change into underwear and take turns gyrating in glass boxes for the joy of the restaurant patrons and to prove how "confident" they were.

If dancing around in lingerie is a surefire way to showcase confidence, why haven't John McCain, Hilary Clinton, or Barrack Obama been asked to do so? What dancing around in glass box has to do with confidence remains a mystery to me. I've danced on top of a bar before. I didn't consider my actions to be an expression of my "confidence" or "empowerment" nor did I try to pass off my bar-top hip-shaking as a tangible proof of my feminist inclinations. I was simply having fun with friends and running on the fuel that free alcohol provides. There's nothing wrong with dancing in lingerie in a glass box-but there are serious problems with pressuring unwilling girls to do, and telling them that such a display is an expression of confidence is twisted and warped.

After seeing that episode and reading more about the Pussycat Dolls, I had a greater understanding of the anger that many feminist bloggers have displayed towards the group: they were asking for it. By constantly trying to portray themselves as feminist icons who were preaching a message of "empowerment" and "third-wave feminism" the Pussycat dolls and their handlers were virtually begging for feminists to fire their arms and take them down a couple of pegs. I completely understand feeling anger at having this trite pop group pass themselves off as the new face of feminism when their message has nothing to do with empowerment and everything to do with sexuality - not that the two are mutually exclusive, but it's simply necessary to acknowledge that not every sexual act is a leap forward for womankind.

For the Pussycat Dolls, sex seems to be their singular preoccupation. They're always wearing hot pants, lingerie, or mini-skirts, and constantly singing about how much they've managed to turn various men on. They're one-dimensional sex kittens, afraid to step out of the socially constructed box that defines what is sexy. I don't expect much, from pop groups, but if they want to refer to themselves using adjectives like "empowering" and "feminist" they're going to have to up the ante and do more than gyrate and ask, "Don't cha wish ya girlfriend was hot like me?" They'll have to actually say something of substance - in addition to some rump shaking.

The group is very clearly not expressing empowerment, because they're not powerful. They're obviously not in control of their careers, or the way in which they're marketed. However, referring to the group and the contestants on the show as "whoring sea donkeys" goes too far. Its fine to criticize the group and their message, but throwing out misogynistic terms, and negatively judging them for being sexually expressive is merely falling into a patriarchal trap. There are plenty of ways to legitimately criticize the group without resorting to adolescent name calling and misogynistic slut-shaming.

The Pussycat Dolls produce fun, inane, danceable music, which is fine; however, when they try to portray their songs as part and parcel of a feminist message, we have a huge problem. Feminism's main concern is not female sexual expression. Feminism is concerned with the totality of women's lives, and a feminist message effectively communicates that, with or without hot pants.