In the early 1970s, John Lennon wrote a song called Jealous Guy which, aptly, described his feelings of jealousy and his somewhat empty apologies for them. True or not, there's a story that after John Lennon and Yoko Ono got married, John asked Yoko to make a list of everyone she'd ever slept with. At first she didn't take him seriously, but then realized that it was a big deal to him. She even said he didn't like her speaking Japanese because that was something he couldn't be part of. Luckily, this week's reader hasn't yet asked his girlfriend to make a list.


I am a very self analyzing person and am writing some of my self analyses. I am currently in a relationship, we have been together for eleven months now (anniversary coming up :) and we have gotten serious in the past few months. I have a problem in that I am a very possessive person, and often irrationally so. My girlfriend has male friends and I generally do not bother, but there is this particular person I view in negative light, although he is merely a friend and even in a different town, may be because they talk in a mean (friendly) tone with each other, pretending to order around the other.

Maybe I do not like the fact that he is trying to order her around, I am not sure. The problem is that when I see them talking, his scraps in her scrapbook, I get really insecure and put off. I explain logically to myself but am not able to get myself to snap out of that mood. I do not know that person directly, but earlier when asked she has told me about him. They are chat friends and have spoken on the phone occasionally and continue to do so. The other reason I could think of my behavior is maybe that I perceive chat friends in some sort of "desperate" light.

We are getting serious in the relationship and I am very happy about it. I am only scared that my attitude could be a problem to myself and "us". If only I would know why I feel insecure about this and what I should do about it, like, spending lot of time with her, telling her (Wouldn't she also get disgusted of me?) Logical reasoning to myself has only been in vain. Please, please help me, I love her a lot and would not want to ruin this for anything.


I think that the fact that you're aware that this could be a problem is the first step in figuring out how to fix it. Let's go through the information that you've given me. First, you say that you're a very possessive person, and you recognize that it can be an irrational emotion. The fact that you generally don't worry about your girlfriend's male friends is a step in the right direction, so we just need to figure out what it is about this particular guy that causes you concern.

A lot of guys are jealous of their girlfriends or wives spending lots of time with male friends, but usually the time spent is in person. I am one of those girls who has mostly guy friends, so my significant others have always had to figure out how to deal with that. But with that said, I've always tried to listen to my man to figure out what exactly his issue was with a particular friend. It sounds to me like the thing that is bothering you is the way your girlfriend interacts with this guy - if you're as possessive as you say, subconsciously you probably don't appreciate someone else telling her what to do, and it's even worse if she actually does what he tells her to do.

I would say that the best thing you can do is actually talk to her about the situation. You may think that discussing it with her will "disgust" her, but I don't think that will be the case if you go about it the right way. I think the first thing you should do is figure out how close she is with this guy and what kind of relationship they have. Ask her about him casually, and find out how often they talk on the phone and/or online, whether they've met in person, whether she ever plans to meet him, etc. At this point, you could bring up how much this friendship bothers you, but I'd advise you instead to listen to how she talks about him, and try to think rationally about what she says. If she is very forthcoming about her friendship, and when you consider it rationally (imagine she was a female friend describing the friendship - would what she says bother you?) you realize there's nothing to be concerned about, let the situation alone and work on your own confidence in yourself and in your relationship. (Jealousy often becomes a problem when someone feels like the other person in the relationship is "out of their league" - if you're feeling this way, figure out why your confidence has waned, and try to repair it.)

If, however, after you've had some time to think, you're afraid there was some sparkle in her eye when she talked about the guy, or she seemed to be hiding something when you brought him up, then it probably would be a good idea to discuss things with her and explain that you're feeling jealousy. Again, I'd suggest waiting until you're calm, and I'd suggest you think about what it is that you want. Do you want her to cut of all contact with the guy? Would you be fine with their friendship if it was only online? Would you be okay with occasional phone calls? When you feel like you're emotionally ready to do so, tell her that you're not entirely sure why, but this particular friendship makes you uncomfortable. Make sure she understands that you love and trust her, and that you have tried to deal with your own feelings about this but you'd like to get her help. Point out the fact that you have no issue with her other guy friends. See if she has any suggestions. If not, ask if she'd be willing to limit her friendship with this guy to online interaction. The best thing you can do is negotiate a way to deal with the problem - although you may feel like the problem is solely yours, it's probably only 75% you, and 25% the relationship, but if you don't deal with it quickly, things will only get worse.