It has long been known that men reach their sexual peak around age eighteen and women reach theirs in their mid-thirties. It certainly explains a few things - like Anne Bancroft hooking up with Dustin Hoffman, and the modern day equivalent Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. But it also causes problems, as this week's reader relates:


I read your columns regularly and after much thought decided it was a good idea to write to you. I have been married for about four years and ours was a love marriage. Both me and my hubby are in our early 30s. When we were dating, we did a lot of fun things together like all couples would, and enjoyed a great deal of physical intimacy. We stopped short of having sex, keeping it for post-marriage. After we got married, we were constantly looking for free time to have sex...at times we would rush home from office just to be with each other, in bed.

However, now my husband is gradually losing interest. While he responds if I make the first move, he won't caress me or fondle me the way he would if we were having sex say after ten days. For me, like for any other woman, foreplay is very important and this half-hearted sex gives me no pleasure. I try to control myself (from making the first move), but it's very difficult. I end up initiating sex every two or three days and he does respond, but I can make out that he does it grudgingly and I don't enjoy it then. He is a caring and loving hubby, but I am losing my patience now.

Could you please suggest whether it's a good idea for me too to wait for a week or ten days or continue initiating the first move, risking the fun quotient.


As a woman, I feel your pain. In fact, most women, at one time or another, have encountered exactly what you're talking about. From your letter it sounds like your biggest disappointment is the loss of the physical intimacy, and that's certainly a huge concern. But before I discuss my advice on waiting a week, or continuing to initiate sex, I'm going to talk about what could be the problem generally.

The most likely possibility is that he's just getting older, and as men get older, their libidos can vary greatly. Obviously there will be some men who are eighty years old and still working it (see Hugh Hefner and his three hotties), but generally as guys age, their testosterone levels can begin to drop, and with that comes a drop in libido. Unfortunately, this also tends to be accompanied by other things that affect libido. For instance, a man in his early thirties who has been married a couple of years is probably starting to feel the pressure of providing for his family, the possibility of having children, and the stress and anxiety that comes with that. And if that wasn't enough to distract him from marital pleasures, he's probably entering a time in his career where he's given increased responsibility and with that comes more stress and anxiety. Basically stress and anxiety are the death knell to any libido, male or female.

What I would suggest is that you actually talk to him about it. It sounds like your relationship is a strong one and that communication is relatively good. I'd say that it's possible that he doesn't even know that you're so frustrated with this situation. Giving him a chance to talk about it may help a couple of ways: 1. he may not have realized just how much his libido has decreased; 2. he may have pressures he hasn't shared with you that are contributing to his stress, and discussing them between you may help; 3. it'll give him a chance to make some effort to change.

In the meantime, I have to say that in my experience, the last thing that helps an ailing sex life is one person placing pressure on the other to perform. It is obviously frustrating to you, as a wife, to feel like you aren't desired by your husband, but for now try to think of it as something that you need to help him through. Most likely it is no reflection on you or how he feels about you. Try giving him a little time to reflect. If you can, wait until he approaches you for sex, but continue to be affectionate with him. Make sure you hug and kiss him as much as before, and he may eventually realize what he's missing.

I would advise, however, that if there isn't some external stressor that is distracting him, you may suggest that he see a doctor to check his hormone levels to make sure he is healthy.