For a column that appears on Valentine's Day, I'd prefer to write about how to surprise your lover or new lovemaking techniques. Unfortunately, I got the letter below and felt obligated to answer it. But everyone else - have a fabulous Valentine's!


I have been married now for close to a year. I was educated in London and decided to work for my homeland India...and my wife had been brought up in a family that rarely moved out of their hometown in India. However, that said, she is far from shy. The problem is as follows: She has for some unknown reason an extremely lethargic attitude to love, being cozy, even talking sweet things, etc....not to speak of sex.

Her attitude towards me is one of indifference. Even when I spontaneously take note of those little bits, say, offering her water, when only she knows that she is thirsty, etc. But the expression of thankfulness is completely absent. On the contrary, she tries every possible way to distance herself from me even when I show that I am there, say resting on the bed, etc. Now, especially, her interest in sex has been exceedingly low. She is always cold in her approach to the act, never initiates it herself...and when she responds to my initiatives, she makes it excellently clear through her body language that 'okay...let's get it over with it...'

I have the impression, now, that she is doing it only to be in the relationship.

I had tried most of your techniques to increase her enjoyment of lovemaking, however, despite the rarity with which we end up getting intimate or even get to hear sweet somethings from her lips. In normal day-time, she now treats me like a leper, even if I am perfectly on my own and resting on one end of the bed, trying to fondle her hands and fingers or run my fingers through her hair, she actually jerks back.

This she had been doing long before we had sex for the first time after marriage. Why would such behavior occur so consistently? Even after almost a year of marriage?


This is the kind of letter that makes me wish I could talk to the reader to get more information before answering. I can think of several possibilities for the aversion to sex and sexual acts, and a few possibilities that explain her general indifference, but ultimately, only she knows what's really going on. I'll discuss what I think could be the problem, and then try to give you a little advice on going forward.

It sounds to me like this is an arranged marriage on some level - maybe you had some courtship prior to getting married, but if she spurned your touch before you even got married, it seems odd for you to be surprised that she continues to be so cold to you. What it sounds like to me is that your wife was pressured into marriage with you for some reason. I get that from her treatment of you, as well as the fact that you think maybe she has reluctant sex with you "only to be in the relationship." That tells me that you bring something to the marriage (money? standing?) that she can't get easily elsewhere. It also indicates to me that perhaps she had another suitor before you came along and resents the fact that she had to sacrifice her own happiness for whatever it is that you gave her.

Another possibility is that there is a psychological reason for her reactions to you. Perhaps one of her relatives - an uncle, cousin, brother, grandfather, etc - sexually abused her either when she was a child or more recently. Children and young women who are molested can develop the kind of attitude toward sex and intimacy that you've described. If she was physically or sexually abused, it can be a long road to recovery, and as her husband you'll need to be very aware of her feelings. If you think about it, the husband/wife dynamic can easily recreate the same feelings and emotions that a child or young woman feels when abused - you, as the husband, are in control, and she's forced to submit to your desires. The fact that she does so (albeit reluctantly) could be a clue that something happened in her childhood that she needs to deal with.

My advice at this point is to find a way to discuss the problem with her. I know that divorce isn't easy or preferred in your culture, but there are a lot of men who wouldn't have stayed in this kind of loveless marriage for a year, let alone the possibility of indifference for the next forty years. What is the point of having such a cold, unhappy marriage, especially if both parties are unhappy? And what kind of example will you set for your children (assuming you manage to have any considering the infrequency with which you have sex)?

Ask her what's going on, why she married you, and why it is that she treats you so coldly. Another possibility, though I wouldn't say I'd recommend it, is for you to give her back a little indifference. It sounds like you may have become a little too solicitous, and she may actually be annoyed by the amount of attention you give her. When she's resting, let her rest, don't touch her, even if it's to be affectionate. Give her a bunch of space, both physically and emotionally. And see if her attitude changes once she realizes you have also become indifferent.

Finally, to boost your spirits, read Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew" or watch any of the following movies: "Kiss Me Kate," "Beauty and the Beast," "Anna and the King" and if you're desperate: "The Beautician and the Beast." All of those movies are about one person in a relationship overcoming the chilly attitude of the other.

And let me know how it works out.