I find myself forever torn between the internal desire to say something that is meaningful to one person and the external expectation to say something relevant to large groups of people. This struggle makes me keenly aware that there’s almost nothing you can say about a big group of people that will be true or false for all of them. Unfortunately that awareness often ends in me not being able to write at all; which is a real problem when one of your jobs is writing. Talking about sexual myths is a good example of this.

When you label something as myth you’re implying there is something fictitious about it. The tricky thing about sexual myths is that while they may not be true for "most people" they might apply to individuals. So, for example, it’s a common myth that men crave sex all the time. This is one I constantly point out to readers who email me worried that their male male partners (or in some cases themselves) don’t feel like having sex at the drop of the hat. Yet there are some men who do crave sex all the time or at least say they do. But as soon as I say “it’s a myth” it sounds as if I’m saying to those guys who experience near constant sexual desire, “you’re not” or “there’s something wrong with you”. This is never my intention.

Calling something out as a myth shouldn't negate the experience for those to whom the statement applies. Instead, by clarifying sexual myths what I hope to do is point out that many of these beliefs are not based on any observable or demonstrable proof. I have my own funny relationship to things like evidence-based research. It’s not that I think demonstrable proof should have the final say. But it belongs in the mix way more than it currently is. The problem with sex is that while few of us realize we’re in control of our own sexual destiny we all feel like we should be in control of everyone else’s. Thus we’re all experts on “how sex is” or “how sex should be” when it comes to others, but when taking our own personal sexual stands we’re usually at a loss.

Thinking about sexual myths, why they evolved and what purposes they serve, and most importantly how they relate to our lived experience of sexuality, is one way to plant ourselves on somewhat more solid ground.