The internet has really sort of revolutionized dating and relationships. Desperate singles used to troll bars, dance clubs and supermarkets hoping to meet someone special. When they got really desperate they'd turn to personal ads in newspapers which would read something like: "DWM 38 seeks SWF 19-24 for PDA." And long distance relationships were either the result of people who were together at one point and had to move apart for some reason, or a mail-order bride gone awry. These days, however, the internet has spawned who knows how many "relationships" between people who have never met each other. And although there are certainly happy endings that come out of long-distance internet romances, there are a lot of unhappy endings as well.
Me and my friend Rajat have been friends for around eight years. For about a year, he's had a girlfriend through the internet. They've never met. During this time he also happened to meet another girl at his work. And he began to be interested in her, and proposed to her to be his girlfriend.
She never knew about his romance over the internet. He has lied to the new girlfriend about the internet relationship, and said that it's only a chat friend. Then his girlfriend over the internet came to know about the new girlfriend and wanted to break up with him. And she did breakup, but Rajat would not let her go. He lied to her and said that the new girlfriend is just another female friend. Now he is basically cheating both of the girls.
Moreover Rajat used to tell his close friends that he is not going to marry anyone. And that he is simply fooling around with these girls.
Worried about the welfare of his girlfriend, I called up her and told her that he is cheating on her. There was no trouble for me till this moment. Then, after she came to know the true nature of her boyfriend, she began calling me up and crying. I was able to comfort her for some days. But I know I'm not a great speaker or an advisor. And personally I've never been in love or cheated on anybody. So I would not know what to tell her and advise her to help her get along in her life.
For most Indian girls, love happens once in a lifetime. Or that's what they think. And his girlfriend is no exception. She's gone to the verge of suicide, too. But somehow, by god's grace, nothing happened. Now she is lamenting that she does not have a life, and wonders what's to become of her.
Recently her father died, too, and she is totally depressed. She's like a zombie in her daily life. I'd like to help her to become more confident in herself and get along in life. And to help her realize that if another good chance knocks on her door, she should welcome it. Otherwise she might end up in an arranged marriage.
Tell me, have I done a wrong by betraying my friend? So I'm asking you to help me - tell me about the rules of love. And how one should overcome a break up and getting cheated on?
I'm not sure I can answer whether or not you've done wrong by betraying your friend. Here's why - although I understand why you were compelled to tell the girlfriend he's a cheat, he could certainly make the argument that it was none of your business, and he wasn't really "cheating." Probably both women wouldn't be happy to hear about the other. The online girlfriend he's never met wouldn't be thrilled to find out there's a real, live girl to keep him warm at night, and the in-person girlfriend would be pissed to find out he's been hot-chatting with someone on the internet for a year. But… and this is a big but… he's really just not being honest with both of them. Does that rise to the level of "cheating"? I'm not sure. The in-person girlfriend (which, I'm assuming, is the one you told about the cheating) would need to get to the bottom of the internet relationship, but if he's never met the internet girl and doesn't plan to, is he really cheating? I agree that he's a jerk for not being honest with both of them, but I'm not sure he's a cheater. I suppose if looking back on it, you feel better that the girlfriend can move on with her life, then you did the right thing. Next time I'd say you should talk to him about it first. If you're still friends with him, there will probably be a next time.
As for your second question - how to get over a breakup and getting cheated on - well, different people get over things in different ways. Since she just lost her father, it's completely natural for her to be depressed. As time goes by, though, she will slowly start to come out of the depression. Usually when I hear a story like yours, the "friend" tells the girlfriend because he's got a crush on her himself, but it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here. You should think about her strong points, like what it was about her that made you want to tell her he was cheating, and when you have a chance to talk to her, tell her why you think she's a great person, and why you think she deserves better than Rajat. She's also young, and she has her whole life ahead of her. She deserves to be treated well, not to be lied to, and she will find the right person. She might even find him on the internet! Find Your Kind Online.
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.
Some weeks I get to give readers exciting advice, like telling girls how to masturbate, and other weeks I need to fulfill the calling of a sexual health advisor. Though this week's column won't win any titillation awards, it might answer some questions women are too shy to ask, and provide more information than the average man wants to know about menstrual apparatuses.
I just came to the United States to get my masters' degree and I have realized that women use tampons instead of pads. Tampons are not available in my country. They seem to be convenient, but I am worried to try them myself. Are tampons better than sanitary pads? Why do American women prefer them? I am also a virgin and my religion requires this, will using a tampon make me not a virgin? Are there other dangers of using tampons? Can I use a tampon and a pad at the same time?
First, welcome to the United States - no doubt the tampon discovery will not be your last surprise in America. I'll take your questions one at a time.
Are tampons better than sanitary pads?
Tampons aren't better or worse than pads. They serve the same function, but for most women it comes down to simple preference. Tampons do have certain health risks that you need to be aware of if you decide to use them (see below), but there are pros and cons to using both. For instance, if you wear a pad and tight clothing, it's possible for people to notice the pad. Wearing a tampon with tight clothing may not be a problem (but I don't know a lot of women who are into wearing tight, white pants during those particular days of the month, despite what American commercials like to show.)
Why do American women prefer them?
I don't know for sure (in fact, I'm not sure they do), but if you're at a college, it's probably true that most young women do prefer tampons. Generally they're more discreet (easier to carry, less noticeable), more comfortable (if it's inserted correctly, you shouldn't feel it), and they let you do more activities freely - if you want to swim while you have your period, you can put in a tampon and it's no problem.
Will using a tampon make me not a virgin?
Tampons do not affect virginity. The definition "virgin" is: A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse. Obviously putting a tampon into your vagina is in no way experiencing sexual intercourse. If, however, your big worry is that inserting a tampon could break your hymen, and having an intact hymen is important to your safety, etc, it is a possibility that using a tampon could stretch or tear your hymen. Different women have different hymens - some have a stretchable membrane that barely covers the vagina, others have a "perforated" membrane which could be broken by inserting or removing a tampon. Because I recognize that in some parts of the world, women can be in danger for perceived immoral conduct, if you fear that this could put you at risk, I'd advise you to stick with pads for now.
Are there other dangers of using tampons?
There is one important health concern that you should be aware of if you decide to use tampons - Toxic Shock Syndrome or TSS. If you open a box of tampons, you will find an insert that discusses the risks, symptoms, and ways to prevent TSS. TSS is a rare bacterial infection that affects a small percentage of tampon users, but if you are careful using tampons you can avoid it. Make sure you wash your hands before inserting a tampon, and be careful to follow the directions that come with the tampons. They are made to be inside you for a very specific period of time. Leaving them inside your body for longer than recommended, or using a tampon with an absorbency level greater than necessary, can cause problems (and TSS). Basically you should use the absorbency level that lets you keep it in for four to six hours without leaking. If, at four hours, your tampon is leaking, you should move to the next level of absorbency. (They come in Light, Regular, Super, and Super Plus, and the absorbency levels are regulated by the government, so all tampon manufacturers have similar absorbency levels.) Again, be sure to read the directions that come with the tampons.
Also, tampons come in "deodorant," but many women find that the perfuming element is irritating. When first trying tampons, stick with the unscented.
Can I use a tampon and a pad at the same time?
Yes, you can. And many women do. In fact, you'll see that there are products called "panty liners" that are quite useful for that purpose. For women who have leakage problems with tampons, or don't want to take the chance, using tampons with a small pad or panty liner is reassuring.
A new patch for women who have lost their sex drive will become available on the NHS this week.
Its makers say Intrinsa could be the female Viagra - the anti-impotence drug that has transformed the sex lives of hundreds of thousands of men.
The female aphrodisiac will initially only be available on prescription for post-menopausal women with diagnosed sexual problems. GPs will prescribe it on the NHS, with women paying a £6.65 prescription charge.
However it is likely that the patches will later become "lifestyle" drugs bought freely over the counter - used by younger women with no sexual problems who simply want to increase their libido.
The same thing happened with Viagra - around 60 per cent of the men who use it are believed to have no erectile problems. Around 900,000 men in Britain have used it at least once, estimates suggest.
The new treatment for women works by releasing the male hormone testosterone through the skin into the bloodstream.
The patch, which is virtually transparent and about the size of an egg, is worn just below the navel and changed twice weekly.
Manufacturers Procter and Gamble say the patch helped boost the flagging libido in hundreds of women in tests, and increased the amount of sexual activity they enjoyed.
Dramatically successful results were found in menopausal women who had been diagnosed with hypoactive sexual desire disorder, in which libido and sexual activity is reduced - leading to psychological distress.
More than 500 took part in the drug company's six-month study, with half unaware they had been given a dummy patch.
As well as boosting the amount of satisfying sex they had - making love four times more every two months than those wearing a dummy patch - it also increased desire.
Other tests shows it worked on women suffering loss of libido after a hysterectomy.
It was granted a license from the European Medicines Agency in July.
The Intrinsa patches work by increasing the level of testosterone in the blood. Although it is known as the male sex hormone, it is naturally occurring in women too, produced by the ovaries and the adrenal gland. However, levels of the hormone decline with age, sometimes dramatically so after the menopause.
Experts say a half of women having a hysterectomy and others having a premature menopause before the age of 50 could benefit from testosterone therapy.
However, too much testosterone can have unpleasant side-effects, from excessive body hair to liver disorders. That is why the makers went for a patch system rather than a pill, which would have led to too high a dose.
And the patch does not work straight away, unlike Viagra. It takes weeks to have an effect.
Intrinsa works on a completely different principle to Viagra. This is because while 90 per cent of male sexual problems are purely physical, women's sex problems are down to social, phsychological and emotional factors.
So unlike the mechanical problem that Viagra helps to fix in men, women's sexual functioning is about getting in the right frame of mind.
Procter and Gamble say the patches will help women with "female sexual dysfunction", a condition which was recognised only in 1999.
Some campaigners believe FSD is a syndrome invented by the pharmaceutical industry to medicalise the treatment of a social issue.
Many doctors believe that FSD covers at least four different conditions - problems with desire, arousal, achieving orgasm and genital pain - meaning it is unlikely one drug will be able to treat all four.
by Lexy London
Years ago I wrote a column answering a question from man who wanted to know how he could tell, when having sex for the first time with a girl, whether or not she was a virgin. It sparked a lot of controversy in countries where women are seen as a commodity of sorts, and I got many angry emails about the article. But men are still going to want to know if their wife-to-be is a virgin… as evidenced by my first question this week: If we must marry with her, and it is important to prove the virginity, without knowing her what shall we do? I'm assuming that by saying "must marry her" he means that he's assuming he'll be in an arranged marriage. But his next two leaps of logic are where I, and most women, have problems. I don't agree that "it is important to prove the virginity." If it's important to a particular man that his bride be a virgin, and he's anticipating being with that woman for the rest of his life, and he doesn't "know" her, then he needs to make a decision about whether he can trust her. As I've said numerous times, there are lots of different ways that a woman can actually lose her hymen, but STILL BE A VIRGIN! Virginity, in a way, is a state of mind more than it is a state of body. If a woman has not had intercourse, she is still a virgin. The fact that she was born without a hymen, or lost it horseback riding, or exercising, or bike riding, or using a tampon… does not make her any less a virgin. In fact, the obsession with some sort of "proof" of virginity means that you are assuming that you can't trust your wife-to-be at all - you can't trust her to be morally clean, you can't trust her answer if you ask her whether she's a virgin, etc. What an excellent way to start off a marriage. I only hope that she is as distrustful of you and insists you wear a condom because she doesn't trust that YOU are a virgin, because who knows what STDs you could be carrying. One of the really sad things about this problem is that it leads to anxiety on all sides of the issue. Take, for instance, this reader: I would be thankful to you if you would reply to my question. Well I am a guy from India and I want to ask whether touching a girl's vagina and placing your finger inside it slightly will lose her virginity or not? Does a finger harm a girl's virginity? I had a girlfriend and we use to play like that. We never had intercourse, but as I mentioned earlier sometimes, I slightly put my finger inside her. Now she is going to marry next year and I am worried that she will face problems from her husband about it. Please guide me and help me out of this situation. As I said above, technically, she is still a virgin. A finger doesn't "harm" a girl's virginity because she hasn't had sexual intercourse. At least not with you. But as discussed above, that is not what most men are curious about - they want "proof." So my question to you is did she ever bleed when you were playing around? If she did bleed, you may have inadvertently torn her hymen a little bit. If it is torn a little, it may mean that she doesn't bleed when she has sex for the first time with her husband. If her husband is like my first reader, and their relationship is so precarious that he starts the marriage not trusting her, she may need to resort to some subterfuge. As I discussed in my earlier article, for hundreds of years, woman have been worried about "bleeding" on their wedding nights, and have devised various strategies to deal with it. One way is to have a secret vial of chicken blood to spill onto the sheet after her husband has fallen asleep (and trust me, he will). Another is for her to hone her acting skills so that her new husband thinks she's in pain the first time they have sex. But all that advice aside, if she has a decent relationship with her husband to be, I'd encourage her to be honest about what she's done. This week I'll wrap up with a question on the subject from a woman: I think it's only the cheap and dominating nature of men that has lead them to insist on knowing about a woman's virginity. Why does no one ask this question to a man? Why? Are we not supposed to be equal in society? I certainly can't disagree with you. And I have no good answer for you about why no one asks the question of their husband-to-be. It would certainly be good practice to do so because there are definitely men out there who have pre-marital sex and bring home terrible diseases to their new, virgin wives. And yes, we are supposed to be equal in society, but it's pretty clear that we aren't.