Holiday planning is usually about everyone but ourselves. We buy presents for everyone else, we plan special meals, we rearrange work and other social events, and we usually cut way back on time for ourselves to make room for the onslaught of others.

This holiday sex tip is part self-loving and part survival tip. One of the reasons many of us lose it over the holidays is a lack of balance. We don’t just cut out some of our “me” time, we take no time for ourselves, or our romantic partners, at all.

This week make plans for at least one illicit rendezvous with your partner (or yourself) during the holidays. If you have a lot of family obligations that’s no excuse. You can always find five minutes to hide in a bathroom, closet, or the car.

Your plan should be very detailed, leave nothing to chance:

• Pick a specific date and a specific time
• Think about how long you’ll have for your date. Make it reasonable, keep it short
• Choose a location that you know will be available
• Decide what you want to do
• Consider any props: outfits, safer sex gear, sex toys, and put them away somewhere you can easily get them on the specified day.

If you’re making a plan for you and a partner, you may or may not want to let them in on the plan. If you don’t, you run the risk of them “not being in the mood” and being distracted by holiday stress. If you do let them in you ruin a perfectly good sex surprise.

You might want to plan a phone sex date just before leaving work on the 24th. You might want to plan a late night romp after the presents are wrapped but before the kids wake up on the 25th. It might be a date with yourself sometime in the middle of a long day surrounded by extended family.

Whatever you choose, consider this a complete mental health holiday, and even if it’s only ten minutes, appreciate at least ten minutes of emotional, physical, and spiritual rejuvenation.

Have fun!

The holiday season is one of the few times each year when we are encouraged to ask for things we want. But there are limits on what we’re “supposed” to ask for. New clothes? Yes. A cordless drill? Sure. A little extra time in the oral sex department? Ummm…probably not.

One of the obvious problems is that we’re rarely encouraged to talk openly with our partners about our sexual desires. Sex, we’re told, comes naturally. Which means we should just know what our partner wants and needs at any given moment. But anyone who has had sex, will know this isn’t true.

Today’s tip asks you to add to your holiday wish list. You can still lust after the complete series box set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or a new I Pod, but I want you to keep digging, past the consumer desires, and into the larger private repository of your sexual interests. What would you love to try with your partner sometime over the holidays? A new position? A sex toy? Fantasy role playing? Simply more time to have the sex you are already having?

Come up with a list of three things* you’d love to do. Here are some guidelines: The first activity should be something you’d like to do to your partner. The second should be something you want your partner to do to you The last activity is something new for both of you, or at least something you haven’t done together.

You can tell your partner you’re doing this, and ask them to do the same. Or take control of the sled this holiday season, and see where it takes you. Remember to establish good ground rules about sharing sexual wishes, including no judgment and no guilt for saying no or making changes to the wishes.

*If you celebrate Hannukah, or want to pay homage to the festival of lights, you can come up with eight activities and spread them out over eight days.

Have fun!

Breathing and sex have a lot in common. There are the obvious connections (we need to breathe to have sex and we can’t have sex if we aren’t breathing). And there are more subtle connections. For example, many people assume that both breathing and sex are activities that come naturally and that we shouldn’t have to ever think about. An assumption that’s not exactly accurate. While it’s true that for most of us breathing is involuntary and something we don’t have to learn, it’s equally true that if we never pay attention to our breathe we probably aren’t getting the most out of it. Of course the same can be said for our sexuality.

Breathing can be energizing or relaxing. Sex can also be energizing and relaxing. One of the great benefits of sex play is how it relaxes us afterwards, and much of that relaxation comes from the way we breathe when we're having sex.

Because our breath is fundamental to both our overall health and our awareness, it can be a powerful tool for sexual exploration. You can actually use your breath to learn more about your sexual body and mind and to expand your experience of sexual pleasure.

Safety Issues

As with any sort of sexual exploration, exploring sexuality through breathing can bring up painful and difficult feelings and memories. It’s always best to have someone (a friend, partner, therapist) you can turn to for support if unexpected thoughts and feelings arise.

If you have problems with your breathing or don’t have full control over your breath (for example, if you’re a ventilator user), paying attention to your breath in the exercises below won’t make breathing problems worse. In fact increasing your awareness may make them better. But if you find the exercises are feeling too draining, or causing pain, you should stop them or slow them down.

How We Breathe

We breathe in mainly through the efforts of the diaphragm, a thin, domed muscle that stretches under the lungs. When the diaphragm flattens, it pulls down, making the pressure in the chest less than that in the atmosphere, so air flows in. We also have “accessory” muscles that can help us breathe in, though we don’t use them as much. When the diaphragm relaxes, it goes back to its dome shape and air flows out of the body. Breathing in (inhaling) takes muscular effort, breathing out (exhaling) is a result of relaxation. Air flows through the nose or mouth and into the trachea, a large tube that splits into two smaller tubes (called bronchi) that take air into the lungs where it ends up in little air sacs (alveoli). Oxygen from the sacs goes into the bloodstream, and waste products in the body, like carbon dioxide, go into the alveoli and then leave the body during exhalation. We breathe more heavily when we need more oxygen.

Conscious Breathing

There are many different theories and techniques for increasing awareness through breathing. Conscious breathing is probably the oldest technique you can use to bring your attention to your body.

When practicing with breathing it’s usually better to play with the exhalation since it’s a relaxing breath. If you find yourself feeling distressed, concentrate on breathing out, and try to gradually lengthen the out breath.

1.
Start by finding a time and space where you can get comfortable with minimal distractions. Experiment with different physical positions until you find one where you are least distracted by your body (using pillows can help). Your position should be as symmetrical as possible, so if you can't sit, it is better to lie on your back than on your side.

2.
If you feel comfortable it can be easier to close your eyes for this exercise. Breathe normally and pay attention to your breath. Count how long it takes you to breathe out. Slowly increase how long it takes to exhale. How do you feel when it takes longer to exhale? What if you pause between breathing out and breathing in? Then do the same with inhale. Count your inhale and then extend it. Try holding your breath at the end of inhale. Do you notice a change in the way any part of your body feels (toes, ears, anywhere)? Just do this the first time your practice. You can do this for five minutes, 30 minutes, however long you want. If you find yourself too distracted by outside obligations, take a break or stop.

3.
Next time you practice, start with the above exercise for 5 or 10 minutes. Now you can start to experiment with sound during breathing. Most of the sounds we make (talking, singing, yelling) come from our vocal cords at the top of the trachea. We also make some quiet noises (like whispering) by moving air around the back of the throat, through the nose or through the mouth. Try seeing what sounds you can make breathing through your nose, then your mouth. How soft a noise can you make? How loud? Do each of these things slowly and take note of how they feel. Now do the same thing with your vocal cords, either saying words or just making sounds. Do you feel the sounds in different parts of your body? What is the difference in feeling when after you’ve made some sounds as opposed to breathing silently?

4.
The next time you practice, begin with the above two exercises. Then try to experiment with breathing through your nose versus breathing through your mouth. Try one than the other and see if you notice a difference in how both the inhale and exhale feel. Now try to imagine that you are sending the breath to different parts of your body. You can imagine it flowing to your head, your fingers, your genitals, your toes, to any part of your body, whether or not you think of it as a sexual part. You may want to imagine that your breath is your favorite color, and imagine the color flooding different parts of your body as you inhale.

When Dr. Alan Hirsch, the founder and neurological director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago began his experiments to explore the role of scent in human sexual arousal several years ago, he probably never imagined that his research would find a link, of all things, between Thanksgiving and sex. And it must be said that the research is entirely preliminary, raising way more questions than it answers. But with that in mind, it’s possible that Dr. Hirsh’s research will one day provide an important piece of the Thanksgiving-Sex holiday pie; explaining why Thanksgiving is simultaneously such an arousing and anxiety provoking holiday (an explanation that generously avoids any mention of time spent with my family).

The studies in question both investigate the relationship between sexual arousal and smell by exposing research subjects to a variety of different scents, while measuring sexual arousal (via penile blood flow in men, and vaginal blood flow in women).

In one study of 31 men (who were, oddly enough, all recruited from a solicitation on “classic rock radio broadcasts”) the researchers found that while all scents had a positive impact on sexual arousal, certain smells impacted penile blood flow more than others. What smell got guys most hot and bothered? Pumpkin pie and lavender topped the charts, increasing penile blood flow and average of 40% compared to their base line state. Here are some of the other scents and how they measured up (taken from the Foundation website):

• Lavender and pumpkin pie: 40%
• Doughnut and black licorice: 31.5%
• Doughnut and cola: 12.5%
• Lily of the valley: 11%
• Buttered popcorn: 9%
• Cranberry: 2%

In a study with female subjects pumpkin pie and lavender also made the grade, but other scents had a bigger impact on change in vaginal blood flow. A table from the study, which was published in the International Journal of Aromatherapy, lists the scents and the increase in vaginal blood flow:

• Good and Plenty candy and cucumber: 13%
• Baby powder: 13%
• Pumpkin pie and lavender: 11%
• Baby powder and chocolate: 4%

So should I forget the sex toys and stock up on pumpkin pie filling, Good and Plenty, and Baby Powder this Thanksgiving?

It’s probably premature to be slathering yourself in pumpkin pie filling, or lavender, or baby powder (unless you like that sort of thing, in which case more power to you).

This research, while very interesting, is a far cry from “proving” that scent has a direct impact on sexual arousal or that the smell of pumpkin pie will turn a guy on. Some of the limitations with the research include:

• They used penile and vaginal blood flow to measure arousal. While this is probably one important part of arousal, it cannot be equated with arousal as a whole experience.
• There is no way of knowing what about the scent triggered the arousal, or if the particular scent mattered.
• The researchers chose the scents to use, and there may be other scents that have an even greater impact on arousal.
• With a limited number of subjects, and no ability to compare the data from men and women, these results can be seen as a starting point at best for more research.

That said, if you’re at all disturbed by the Oedipal implications of being home for Thanksgiving and finding yourself irresistibly drawn to your Mom or Dad’s baking prowess, rest easy, it’s just the smell.

Why is Halloween so sexy? I can think of about a dozen reasons, but here are my top six:

• Getting dressed up is sexy.
• Eating candy is sexy.
• Wearing make up is sexy (with the proper lighting).
• Pretending you’re someone else is sexy.
• Being scared is sexy (being terrified is sexier!)
• Even that cheap satin used in so many sexy Halloween costumes is sexy.

For some, Halloween is sexy because of the nostalgic thrill of childhood Halloweens; getting to stay up late, wandering around the streets after dark, indulgence, make up, turning everything on its head. It’s ultimate freedom for one night.

As adults we can also use Halloween as an excuse to explore parts of our sexuality we might otherwise feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about. In this way Halloween can be a great sexual motivator and instigator, where one night of abandon can open up sexual doors that can be walked through the whole year round. Here are some sexy Halloween inspired ideas for scary sexy fun on October 31.

Sexy Halloween Dress Up

This may be the most obvious, but it can also be the most fun part of exploring. I guarantee you that everyone can learn something from dressing up as a gender other than the one they play during the day. And why go through life without ever once wielding Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth, or King Arthur’s Sword (are you getting the idea here?) There are plenty of places to find sexy Halloween costumes, but your imagination will always win out over store bought goodies.

Get Into It

The Halloween costume may be the excuse, but you’ve got to dig deep to turn a cautious flirtation with edginess into a full fledged sexual freak out. It’s the opportunity to explore all aspects of sexual role play, so don’t pass it up!

Play with your Food

Food is sexy, to be sure, and Halloween is all about food you get to eat with your hands. Whether you want to scare up a peeled grape/oozing eyeball massage, or a chocolate syrup/fake blood bath, or if you simply want to get hopped up on sugar and hop into bed, the childlike abandon of Halloween can be an excuse to bring some messy play back into your sex life. Always remember to play safe and wash your fruits and vegetables first!

Halloween Homemade Sex Toys

Some people spend weeks and months preparing their costume for Halloween. Others focus their interests on sex toys, preparing for a sexy Halloween in a different way, by creating Halloween themed sex toys. Not for everyone, to be sure, but I promise you’ll never look at a pumpkin the same again.

Cuddle up and get Scared

The relationship between sex and horror has been the subject of countless articles, books, and television programs. Getting scared can get us hot, and, as one television documentary producer put it, when you come right down to it, what terrifies us more than our sexuality? Rent a scary movie, tell each other scary stories, and then give your lover comfort all night long.

We tend to associate good sex with heat. We use terms like hot, steamy, scorching, searing (lots of “s” words) when describing memorable sex. On the other hand cold showers, cold shoulders, and cold hearts generally aren’t associated with lustful pursuits.

As a rule, a good sex tip is one that turns a common assumption on its head. It’s not that common sense doesn’t always make good sense, but our sexual behaviors are so easily habituated, and we tend to find something we like and do it over and over until we’re bored of it. We also tend not to think laterally about the sex we’re having.

The lateral thinking, temperature controlled tip for this week is all about temperature.

The next time you’re having sex, by yourself or with your partner(s), find some way to bring something cold and hot to bed. That leftover bag of freezer burnt peas may not be good for eating anymore, but wrap it in a t-shirt and bring it into bed tonight. Or there’s always the cinematic standby of ice cubes. You don’t want to use the cold to shock your lover. Be sure to wait until things have hit a rhythm in the sex, and then gently touch a less sensitive part of your partner’s body with the cold. Once they know what’s coming, you can experiment heating things up with your bodies, and then cooling it down with a more sensitively placed cold touch.

To heat things up, you can explore everything from silicone toys or glass toys (both of which retain heat and warm up nicely if you soak them in hot water before using) to hot wax play . Be careful with the latter. Hot wax play can be exciting and intense, but it requires some thoughtfulness and knowledge. Get some good information (the Toybag guides are great), be sure to use candles that melt at a low temperature, and experiment on yourself first. Once you’re ready to introduce it with a partner, start on less sensitive areas, and build up (or down) from there.

As always, have fun!