Holiday planning is usually about everyone but ourselves. We buy presents for everyone else, we plan special meals, we rearrange work and other social events, and we usually cut way back on time for ourselves to make room for the onslaught of others.

This holiday sex tip is part self-loving and part survival tip. One of the reasons many of us lose it over the holidays is a lack of balance. We don’t just cut out some of our “me” time, we take no time for ourselves, or our romantic partners, at all.

This week make plans for at least one illicit rendezvous with your partner (or yourself) during the holidays. If you have a lot of family obligations that’s no excuse. You can always find five minutes to hide in a bathroom, closet, or the car.

Your plan should be very detailed, leave nothing to chance:

• Pick a specific date and a specific time
• Think about how long you’ll have for your date. Make it reasonable, keep it short
• Choose a location that you know will be available
• Decide what you want to do
• Consider any props: outfits, safer sex gear, sex toys, and put them away somewhere you can easily get them on the specified day.

If you’re making a plan for you and a partner, you may or may not want to let them in on the plan. If you don’t, you run the risk of them “not being in the mood” and being distracted by holiday stress. If you do let them in you ruin a perfectly good sex surprise.

You might want to plan a phone sex date just before leaving work on the 24th. You might want to plan a late night romp after the presents are wrapped but before the kids wake up on the 25th. It might be a date with yourself sometime in the middle of a long day surrounded by extended family.

Whatever you choose, consider this a complete mental health holiday, and even if it’s only ten minutes, appreciate at least ten minutes of emotional, physical, and spiritual rejuvenation.

Have fun!

The holiday season is one of the few times each year when we are encouraged to ask for things we want. But there are limits on what we’re “supposed” to ask for. New clothes? Yes. A cordless drill? Sure. A little extra time in the oral sex department? Ummm…probably not.

One of the obvious problems is that we’re rarely encouraged to talk openly with our partners about our sexual desires. Sex, we’re told, comes naturally. Which means we should just know what our partner wants and needs at any given moment. But anyone who has had sex, will know this isn’t true.

Today’s tip asks you to add to your holiday wish list. You can still lust after the complete series box set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or a new I Pod, but I want you to keep digging, past the consumer desires, and into the larger private repository of your sexual interests. What would you love to try with your partner sometime over the holidays? A new position? A sex toy? Fantasy role playing? Simply more time to have the sex you are already having?

Come up with a list of three things* you’d love to do. Here are some guidelines: The first activity should be something you’d like to do to your partner. The second should be something you want your partner to do to you The last activity is something new for both of you, or at least something you haven’t done together.

You can tell your partner you’re doing this, and ask them to do the same. Or take control of the sled this holiday season, and see where it takes you. Remember to establish good ground rules about sharing sexual wishes, including no judgment and no guilt for saying no or making changes to the wishes.

*If you celebrate Hannukah, or want to pay homage to the festival of lights, you can come up with eight activities and spread them out over eight days.

Have fun!

The holiday season, we're told, is all about giving. It's a time for family, overspending, overeating, miracles, and occasional acts of charity. When you close your eyes and picture Christmas sex may not be the first thing that comes to mind. But is there a place sexual giving and receiving in the Christmas Story?

Like it or not, the answer is yes. Humans are sexual beings and sex is part of our everyday lives; Christmas included. But sex talk often gets lost around Christmas time, maybe because stress , too much alcohol , and spending time with your extended family are not the greatest aphrodisiacs.

This is a shame because sex can be one of those things that keep us going through the holidays. It can be an amazing pick-me-up or a tantalizing expectation to get through one more dinner with the older-brother-who-insists-on-controlling-your-life-passive-aggressively. But sex around Christmas time can require forethought and planning, otherwise it could end with a painful trip to the ER to have pine needles removed from your back, or a difficult-to-explain shortage of egg nog.

To inspire you to plan ahead, consider these simple but effective Christmas sex survival tips:

First Rule of Christmas Sex: Love Thyself

It’s always worth remembering that our first, longest, and most consistent sexual relationship is with ourselves. You might wait until after Christmas to buy yourself a present, but don’t wait until the holidays are over to show yourself some good loving. Whether or not you have someone else to have sex with over the holidays, you should make liberal use of masturbation as a form of stress relief, distraction, and therapy. Masturbation can also be very quick and very quiet sex, making it a versatile choice over the holidays.

To Hide or Not to Hide, That Is the Question.

Most people understand the concept of “coming out” as gay/lesbian/bisexual to family, but you may neglect to consider the ways you hide other aspects of your sexual personae from family and friends. You should never feel obligated to reveal parts of your sexual life to family, nor should you feel like you have to hide it. If you want to keep something secret, clean up. If you want to make it public, then talk about it. In some cases, you might choose to more passively leave something to be “discovered” but keep in mind that this can result in unpredictable reactions you may not want to deal with.

Clearing Out the Porn

Speaking of cleaning up…regardless of how open you want to be, if you’re having house guests, or traveling with your cell phone, laptop, or iPod, you should probably put the porn away. Nothing against porn, or even holiday porn consumption, but being exposed to pornography should be consensual, and flipping open your niece's laptop to check movie times probably isn’t the time you want to learn about her talents as an amateur pornographer. Regina Lynn, author of Sexual Revolution 2.0, and Wired's intrepid sex columnist and blogger covered some of these issues in a column about the dangers of unencrypted sexual content on your personal computer. Also, you might want to check out sex techie Violet Blue's guide to safe porn surfing which can help keep your computer free and clear of any unexpected pop ups or embarrassing banner ads.

Practice Quiet Sex

Christmas doesn’t have to mean no sex, even if you have limited privacy and time. The real trick is to maximize what you’ve got, and practice lots of quiet sex techniques. Sex over the holidays may not be the transcendent experience it is when you’re on vacation on a deserted beach, but with a little imagination, planning, and discretion, you can keep your sex life going right through to New Year’s Eve. The best part about this is that you can start practicing now, and consider it homework for the holidays.

Developing Christmas Sex Codes

Being constantly surrounded by people usually puts a cramp in relationship communication. One way couples combat this is to come up with conversational codes, words or phrases that mean very different things. Saying “ice cube” might mean “I’m really angry, and want to scream but can’t, so don’t bug me,” or saying “honeysuckle” might mean “Meet me in the bathroom, I need some quiet loving.” One of the ways we get in trouble with our communication is when we have to talk in front of others and feel like we can’t be completely honest. Developing a code or sign can preempt a lot of miscommunication, and it can be sexy too! You can have fun developing your own codes, or you can consider borrowing from other cultures. If you don’t have anyone in your family who knows American Sign Language, you could take some time and learn a few sexual signs from ASL , or take a page from queer culture, and adopt your own version of the hanky codes (maybe instead of using actual handkerchiefs, you could have sweater or socks color codes).