by Lexy London

Potential sex sells. Take the litany of reality television shows whose sole purpose is to provide potential mates for one or more participants - everything from the old Dating Game, Singled Out (remember that?), Blind Date, Elimidate, the Bachelor, For Love or Money (answer: Money), Cupid, the Apprentice (season 1), and Average Joe. We Americans watch these shows not because they give us a warm, fuzzy feeling to see others' budding happiness. We watch for the train wrecks; we yell at the participants from our living rooms because we know this romance isn't going anywhere. The same goes for celebrity relationships. With the shocking exception of Brad & Jennifer, the long-term Hollywood relationship is virtually nonexistent.

So what can we simple folk learn from current events? What difference can a nightly dose of television followed by a People magazine chaser make in our lives? If nothing else, it can tell you ladies how NOT to find a husband.

Though conventional wisdom would indicate that a convicted felon (in or out of prison) would be the least desirable mate, there is actually an even worse alternative: the philandering, already-married, soon-to-be father guilty of murder ("the Scott Peterson"), toss in a pinch of Mormonism, possible psychosis and a completely contrived medical school career ("the Mark Hacking"), and you have the absolute worst husband material around. (Technically, I suppose, Peterson & Hacking are both eligible bachelors, and neither have to worry about the "single dad" stigma to dampen their dating prospects.) What are the two key takeaways from these sterling examples?

- If the love of your life (or the guy you're on a first date with) says he's a college student, don't take his word for it. Follow him to school. Talk to his professors. Ask the registrar for proof of enrollment.
- If after a few dates a man won't let you see his place, don't assume it's because he's a slob and is embarrassed. It could be a clue that his pregnant wife would be embarrassed by unannounced visitors. Again, follow him home and knock on the door. If a pregnant woman answers, don't let him convince you that she's his sister/cousin/stripper friend living with him while she gets her life together.

Sadly this column comes too late to save America's favorite pop star from certain marital doom. Poor Britney Spears - all the signs were there, but she was probably too busy instructing her assistant on the ins and outs of purchasing engagement rings to see them. Granted, Britney's new husband wasn't married when she met him, but his long-time girlfriend was quite pregnant and busy caring for their toddler when he left her for Britney. The two deductions to make from Britney's current situation?

- Kudos to Kevin Federline for marrying Ms. Spears without disposing of his pregnant girlfriend. And bonus points for doing it in a community property state.
- The old "he'll never leave her for you" adage apparently doesn't apply when you're a famous multi-millionaire.

Perhaps suitability wasn't foremost on Britney's mind - how does Federline manage to pay child support for two children AND his share of the $6.9 million mortgage on his back-up dancer salary?

Admittedly, there have been less suitable matches in the news lately. Former New Jersey Governor McGreevey's wife would no doubt agree that her husband wasn't suitable marriage material. But an even less suitable plan would be going to college, getting your teaching degree, procuring a job teaching 6th graders � in order to find the "man" of your dreams. In Spain, Argentina, Mexico, Korea and several other countries, 13-year-old "men" are fair game. Ours isn't one of them. Perhaps Mary Kay Letourneau was a long-term thinker - get 'em young and train 'em right. But the plan seems to have backfired largely because the no-contact order made communication difficult (though not impossible). Important points to note here?

- If you think he might be gay due to obvious signs like he's got a swishy walk or you've caught him making out with a guy, keep looking!
- If you're looking for someone you can mold, check the age of consent in your state or country: http://www.ageofconsent.com/ageofconsent.htm

The lessons to be learned from the trials and tribulations of famous folk are myriad. These are just a few of the more obvious ones. As this column continues, I'll be giving you advice on finding a quality mate (male or female), and keeping him or her. I'll give relationship advice, sex advice, and anything else you ask for (within reason). Feel free to send questions, comments and/or concerns to: lexy.london@gmail.com

by Lexy London

Newlyweds often find there are startling things they have to get used to: women fall into the toilet on occasion because they are surprised by a toilet seat left up, and men find that the sweet, caring, wonderful woman they married turns into a she-wolf for a couple of days each month. The same couple of days each month. Almost like it's on a lunar cycle.


I once sought your advice when I was still dating. Now that I am married, and living with my wife, there is something else I am beginning to realize that I have to deal with: pre-menstrual syndrome.

We have had our occasional misunderstandings, but none as severe as happens in the days leading up to her periods.

She says she feels a little confused about what people say to her, lots of things don't register, she feels extremely sensitive, and has mood swings. Before our marriage, when we were dating long-distance, we had severe misunderstandings over phone, and today we had a disagreement again over something trivial.

I just don't want something like this to wreck our relationship, so I would like to understand it better so that I can handle her well without losing my temper in such times, and perhaps it would be useful for other guys trying to understand their women too if you wrote a bit about it on your column.


As I often do with attentive, thoughtful husbands, first I congratulate you on your impulse to see what you can do to help the situation, as well as your recognition that the better you're able to deal with her PMS, the better your marriage will be.

Pre-menstrual syndrome (colloquially "PMS") is a collection of symptoms that are linked with a woman's menstrual cycle and the hormone fluctuations that accompany it. As the name indicates, the symptoms usually appear in the two weeks leading up to a woman's period, and tend to be alleviated by the start of her period. Different women have different symptoms, and while some women have none at all, others can be basically so incapacitated they are unable to carry on their daily activities. Common symptoms of PMS include:

- Tiredness or fatigue
- Mood swings, tension, irritability
- Bloating, upset stomach, diarrhea, constipation
- Water retention
- Acne
- Headaches
- Food cravings or appetite changes
- Inability to concentrate
- Memory problems
- Depression and/or anxiety
- Insomnia

First I'll tell you things she can try to improve her symptoms, and then I'll give you a little advice on how to deal with her when she's PMSing.

For Her

Since each woman is different, and each woman's symptoms (and their severity) are different, not every treatment works for every woman. Tell your wife that she'll need to be patient, but that there may be things that she can try to help lessen her PMS. One of the best things she can do is exercise regularly. The release of endorphins and improvement in general health will increase the brain chemical serotonin and can help symptoms of PMS. Another bit of general health advice is for her to eat lots of vegetables and protein, and to supplement her diet with a multivitamin that includes folic acid, calcium and vitamin D. Along with eating healthy foods, it's also good for her to avoid the less healthy ones - although food cravings are often one of the symptoms, and the cravings tend to include foods that are fatty, sugary, and salty, those are precisely the ones she'll want to try to avoid to ease the symptoms of PMS. Likewise, avoiding alcohol and caffeine and drinking eight to ten glasses of water a day will help keep her hydrated and may stave off some of the symptoms. Finally, have her keep track of when the symptoms tend to occur, and make sure that in the days leading up to it, she gets a lot of rest - a well-rested body is much more capable of dealing with both physical and emotional stress.

For You

The best thing you can do is try to be understanding and supportive. I guarantee that she isn't faking these symptoms, and she's as mystified by them as you are. Give her the advice I mentioned above, and then work with her to try to follow it. Since this happens every month, it's something you can actually anticipate and prepare for. If her symptoms tend to begin five days before her period, make sure that she gets exercise and rest in the ten days before her period, and encourage her to eat the right foods. In the beginning it won't be easy - if you still aren't able to predict when her symptoms will appear, start to keep a diary together. When she begins to feel the symptoms, have her write on a calendar exactly what she's feeling on the date she's feeling it. After a couple of months go by, you'll begin to see the pattern and it will probably help you both feel less helpless.

Along with all of this advice, keep in mind that the trivial things you're fighting about are just that - trivial. Think about how you feel when you have a stomach flu - your body is achy, your head is all fuzzy, you're nauseated, it's difficult to focus - and how cranky that makes you. And now imagine you have that to look forward to every month. Obviously I'm not encouraging you to let her rule the house with a capriciously iron fist while she's PMSing, but give her the benefit of the doubt, and if it's something that doesn't need to be resolved or decided immediately, put it off until she's better able to cope.

If you've followed my advice for a couple of months and nothing seems to be working, I'd suggest having her discuss her symptoms with a doctor. Some women respond quite well to the hormonal regulation provided by birth control pills, while others may require antidepressant type medications, but a doctor would be in the best position to determine how to treat her more severe symptoms.

by Lexy London

Some weeks I get to give readers exciting advice, like telling girls how to masturbate, and other weeks I need to fulfill the calling of a sexual health advisor. Though this week's column won't win any titillation awards, it might answer some questions women are too shy to ask, and provide more information than the average man wants to know about menstrual apparatuses.

I just came to the United States to get my masters' degree and I have realized that women use tampons instead of pads. Tampons are not available in my country. They seem to be convenient, but I am worried to try them myself. Are tampons better than sanitary pads? Why do American women prefer them? I am also a virgin and my religion requires this, will using a tampon make me not a virgin? Are there other dangers of using tampons? Can I use a tampon and a pad at the same time?


First, welcome to the United States - no doubt the tampon discovery will not be your last surprise in America. I'll take your questions one at a time.

Are tampons better than sanitary pads?

Tampons aren't better or worse than pads. They serve the same function, but for most women it comes down to simple preference. Tampons do have certain health risks that you need to be aware of if you decide to use them (see below), but there are pros and cons to using both. For instance, if you wear a pad and tight clothing, it's possible for people to notice the pad. Wearing a tampon with tight clothing may not be a problem (but I don't know a lot of women who are into wearing tight, white pants during those particular days of the month, despite what American commercials like to show.)

Why do American women prefer them?

I don't know for sure (in fact, I'm not sure they do), but if you're at a college, it's probably true that most young women do prefer tampons. Generally they're more discreet (easier to carry, less noticeable), more comfortable (if it's inserted correctly, you shouldn't feel it), and they let you do more activities freely - if you want to swim while you have your period, you can put in a tampon and it's no problem.

Will using a tampon make me not a virgin?

Tampons do not affect virginity. The definition "virgin" is: A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse. Obviously putting a tampon into your vagina is in no way experiencing sexual intercourse. If, however, your big worry is that inserting a tampon could break your hymen, and having an intact hymen is important to your safety, etc, it is a possibility that using a tampon could stretch or tear your hymen. Different women have different hymens - some have a stretchable membrane that barely covers the vagina, others have a "perforated" membrane which could be broken by inserting or removing a tampon. Because I recognize that in some parts of the world, women can be in danger for perceived immoral conduct, if you fear that this could put you at risk, I'd advise you to stick with pads for now.

Are there other dangers of using tampons?

There is one important health concern that you should be aware of if you decide to use tampons - Toxic Shock Syndrome or TSS. If you open a box of tampons, you will find an insert that discusses the risks, symptoms, and ways to prevent TSS. TSS is a rare bacterial infection that affects a small percentage of tampon users, but if you are careful using tampons you can avoid it. Make sure you wash your hands before inserting a tampon, and be careful to follow the directions that come with the tampons. They are made to be inside you for a very specific period of time. Leaving them inside your body for longer than recommended, or using a tampon with an absorbency level greater than necessary, can cause problems (and TSS). Basically you should use the absorbency level that lets you keep it in for four to six hours without leaking. If, at four hours, your tampon is leaking, you should move to the next level of absorbency. (They come in Light, Regular, Super, and Super Plus, and the absorbency levels are regulated by the government, so all tampon manufacturers have similar absorbency levels.) Again, be sure to read the directions that come with the tampons.

Also, tampons come in "deodorant," but many women find that the perfuming element is irritating. When first trying tampons, stick with the unscented.

Can I use a tampon and a pad at the same time?

Yes, you can. And many women do. In fact, you'll see that there are products called "panty liners" that are quite useful for that purpose. For women who have leakage problems with tampons, or don't want to take the chance, using tampons with a small pad or panty liner is reassuring.

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by Lexy London

Some men love to do it, some men refuse to do it, and some men will only do it if they have a signed contract guaranteeing a reciprocal act will be performed on them. But this week's question shows that apparently there's another category of men out there - the ones who sincerely want to, but, darn it, just can't get past the odor.


I've never been too frivolous with women which is what I would attribute the naivety of my question to. I've always had a problem giving women oral pleasure. To put it more accurately, I haven't been able to with the two women I've been with!

My issue is not that I don't want to, believe me I've tried because I really want to, well, make her feel good. But it's just that as I go south, and near the holiest of holies, I unintentionally gag because of the smell. Now, I'm worried as to whether this is psychological or whether it's just something I need to overcome.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a pig who's just too macho wacho to do it, I really want to but haven't been able to. And trust me, it's embarrassing. I usually then try to cover up by teasing her or just using my hands. I don't want to talk to her about it, it's kind of insulting but I know she's probably wondering why I do (er, don't do) this...


Yes, she probably is wondering what the deal is, especially if she's hobbing your knob on any kind of regular basis. So let's work through a couple of things and hopefully find a solution for your problem.

First, the fact that the same thing has happened with two women is worrisome. Women have different chemistries, metabolisms, etc, so it's a little odd that you would find two women who both have such a strong vaginal odor that you nearly lose your lunch. If it was just one woman, I'd say she may have a yeast or bacterial infection that she needed to have checked out medically. But two women... Could this be a psychological problem? I suppose it could be. Just in case, lay back on the couch and thing long and hard about what this particular smell conjures up for you. Did both women smell bad in the same way? Is it a regular body-odor smell, or a something's-not-right-in-that-vagina smell? Did you have a traumatic run in with a clam in early childhood?

All kidding aside, I wouldn't be doing my job if I just said, "Ah, yes, it must be psychological." Let's look at the problem logically. The crotch area (for men and women) is generally a place shrouded in clothing and hair, and therefore it gets hot and sweaty. Bacteria love hot and sweaty. Bacteria are what cause body odor. For instance, when your armpits are damp, you lift your arm, exposing the sweat and bacteria to the air - when you sniff, you nearly knock yourself out. The same applies to the genital area. And even if your girlfriend hasn't just returned from a serious workout at the gym, there is a natural odor that comes with the vagina, the same way that I guarantee there's an odor that accompanies your equipment.

With all of that information in mind, my first advice to you would be to talk to her about it. I understand your reluctance to do so - you may envision an uncomfortable scene for both of you, but mature people having mature sex should be able to talk about something like this. If you'd really like to please her this way (and you expect her to do the same for you), then maybe having a talk about it would help. But I also understand that you don't want to embarrass her, and maybe you're embarrassed about your own gag reflex.

So if you don't want to talk to her about it, the next best thing is to make your oral move when her vagina is freshly laundered. For instance, next time she's just gotten out of the shower, right as she's getting ready to get dressed for school or work, throw her on the bed, or kneel in front of her, and get busy. A clean vagina may still have a little of the natural odor, but it shouldn't make you gag. (If it does, maybe you'll want to revisit psychological angle.) If you're still worried it will make you gag, breathe through your mouth instead of your nose - close off your sinus breathing the same way you do when you go swimming.

Your other option is to make it your mission remove as much of the odor as possible - tell her you want to give her a relaxing bath, ask her if you can shave her nether regions. Hair can be one of the big culprits in the heat, sweat and bacteria fight. If she lets you shave her, be VERY careful. If she doesn't want to do that, just give her a full bath, relax her by washing her hair, soap and rinse all the nooks and crannies� and you'll end up with a relaxed woman and a fresh vagina that's just ripe for the licking.