In the early 1970s, John Lennon wrote a song called Jealous Guy which, aptly, described his feelings of jealousy and his somewhat empty apologies for them. True or not, there's a story that after John Lennon and Yoko Ono got married, John asked Yoko to make a list of everyone she'd ever slept with. At first she didn't take him seriously, but then realized that it was a big deal to him. She even said he didn't like her speaking Japanese because that was something he couldn't be part of. Luckily, this week's reader hasn't yet asked his girlfriend to make a list.


I am a very self analyzing person and am writing some of my self analyses. I am currently in a relationship, we have been together for eleven months now (anniversary coming up :) and we have gotten serious in the past few months. I have a problem in that I am a very possessive person, and often irrationally so. My girlfriend has male friends and I generally do not bother, but there is this particular person I view in negative light, although he is merely a friend and even in a different town, may be because they talk in a mean (friendly) tone with each other, pretending to order around the other.

Maybe I do not like the fact that he is trying to order her around, I am not sure. The problem is that when I see them talking, his scraps in her scrapbook, I get really insecure and put off. I explain logically to myself but am not able to get myself to snap out of that mood. I do not know that person directly, but earlier when asked she has told me about him. They are chat friends and have spoken on the phone occasionally and continue to do so. The other reason I could think of my behavior is maybe that I perceive chat friends in some sort of "desperate" light.

We are getting serious in the relationship and I am very happy about it. I am only scared that my attitude could be a problem to myself and "us". If only I would know why I feel insecure about this and what I should do about it, like, spending lot of time with her, telling her (Wouldn't she also get disgusted of me?) Logical reasoning to myself has only been in vain. Please, please help me, I love her a lot and would not want to ruin this for anything.


I think that the fact that you're aware that this could be a problem is the first step in figuring out how to fix it. Let's go through the information that you've given me. First, you say that you're a very possessive person, and you recognize that it can be an irrational emotion. The fact that you generally don't worry about your girlfriend's male friends is a step in the right direction, so we just need to figure out what it is about this particular guy that causes you concern.

A lot of guys are jealous of their girlfriends or wives spending lots of time with male friends, but usually the time spent is in person. I am one of those girls who has mostly guy friends, so my significant others have always had to figure out how to deal with that. But with that said, I've always tried to listen to my man to figure out what exactly his issue was with a particular friend. It sounds to me like the thing that is bothering you is the way your girlfriend interacts with this guy - if you're as possessive as you say, subconsciously you probably don't appreciate someone else telling her what to do, and it's even worse if she actually does what he tells her to do.

I would say that the best thing you can do is actually talk to her about the situation. You may think that discussing it with her will "disgust" her, but I don't think that will be the case if you go about it the right way. I think the first thing you should do is figure out how close she is with this guy and what kind of relationship they have. Ask her about him casually, and find out how often they talk on the phone and/or online, whether they've met in person, whether she ever plans to meet him, etc. At this point, you could bring up how much this friendship bothers you, but I'd advise you instead to listen to how she talks about him, and try to think rationally about what she says. If she is very forthcoming about her friendship, and when you consider it rationally (imagine she was a female friend describing the friendship - would what she says bother you?) you realize there's nothing to be concerned about, let the situation alone and work on your own confidence in yourself and in your relationship. (Jealousy often becomes a problem when someone feels like the other person in the relationship is "out of their league" - if you're feeling this way, figure out why your confidence has waned, and try to repair it.)

If, however, after you've had some time to think, you're afraid there was some sparkle in her eye when she talked about the guy, or she seemed to be hiding something when you brought him up, then it probably would be a good idea to discuss things with her and explain that you're feeling jealousy. Again, I'd suggest waiting until you're calm, and I'd suggest you think about what it is that you want. Do you want her to cut of all contact with the guy? Would you be fine with their friendship if it was only online? Would you be okay with occasional phone calls? When you feel like you're emotionally ready to do so, tell her that you're not entirely sure why, but this particular friendship makes you uncomfortable. Make sure she understands that you love and trust her, and that you have tried to deal with your own feelings about this but you'd like to get her help. Point out the fact that you have no issue with her other guy friends. See if she has any suggestions. If not, ask if she'd be willing to limit her friendship with this guy to online interaction. The best thing you can do is negotiate a way to deal with the problem - although you may feel like the problem is solely yours, it's probably only 75% you, and 25% the relationship, but if you don't deal with it quickly, things will only get worse.

For a column that appears on Valentine's Day, I'd prefer to write about how to surprise your lover or new lovemaking techniques. Unfortunately, I got the letter below and felt obligated to answer it. But everyone else - have a fabulous Valentine's!


I have been married now for close to a year. I was educated in London and decided to work for my homeland India...and my wife had been brought up in a family that rarely moved out of their hometown in India. However, that said, she is far from shy. The problem is as follows: She has for some unknown reason an extremely lethargic attitude to love, being cozy, even talking sweet things, etc....not to speak of sex.

Her attitude towards me is one of indifference. Even when I spontaneously take note of those little bits, say, offering her water, when only she knows that she is thirsty, etc. But the expression of thankfulness is completely absent. On the contrary, she tries every possible way to distance herself from me even when I show that I am there, say resting on the bed, etc. Now, especially, her interest in sex has been exceedingly low. She is always cold in her approach to the act, never initiates it herself...and when she responds to my initiatives, she makes it excellently clear through her body language that 'okay...let's get it over with it...'

I have the impression, now, that she is doing it only to be in the relationship.

I had tried most of your techniques to increase her enjoyment of lovemaking, however, despite the rarity with which we end up getting intimate or even get to hear sweet somethings from her lips. In normal day-time, she now treats me like a leper, even if I am perfectly on my own and resting on one end of the bed, trying to fondle her hands and fingers or run my fingers through her hair, she actually jerks back.

This she had been doing long before we had sex for the first time after marriage. Why would such behavior occur so consistently? Even after almost a year of marriage?


This is the kind of letter that makes me wish I could talk to the reader to get more information before answering. I can think of several possibilities for the aversion to sex and sexual acts, and a few possibilities that explain her general indifference, but ultimately, only she knows what's really going on. I'll discuss what I think could be the problem, and then try to give you a little advice on going forward.

It sounds to me like this is an arranged marriage on some level - maybe you had some courtship prior to getting married, but if she spurned your touch before you even got married, it seems odd for you to be surprised that she continues to be so cold to you. What it sounds like to me is that your wife was pressured into marriage with you for some reason. I get that from her treatment of you, as well as the fact that you think maybe she has reluctant sex with you "only to be in the relationship." That tells me that you bring something to the marriage (money? standing?) that she can't get easily elsewhere. It also indicates to me that perhaps she had another suitor before you came along and resents the fact that she had to sacrifice her own happiness for whatever it is that you gave her.

Another possibility is that there is a psychological reason for her reactions to you. Perhaps one of her relatives - an uncle, cousin, brother, grandfather, etc - sexually abused her either when she was a child or more recently. Children and young women who are molested can develop the kind of attitude toward sex and intimacy that you've described. If she was physically or sexually abused, it can be a long road to recovery, and as her husband you'll need to be very aware of her feelings. If you think about it, the husband/wife dynamic can easily recreate the same feelings and emotions that a child or young woman feels when abused - you, as the husband, are in control, and she's forced to submit to your desires. The fact that she does so (albeit reluctantly) could be a clue that something happened in her childhood that she needs to deal with.

My advice at this point is to find a way to discuss the problem with her. I know that divorce isn't easy or preferred in your culture, but there are a lot of men who wouldn't have stayed in this kind of loveless marriage for a year, let alone the possibility of indifference for the next forty years. What is the point of having such a cold, unhappy marriage, especially if both parties are unhappy? And what kind of example will you set for your children (assuming you manage to have any considering the infrequency with which you have sex)?

Ask her what's going on, why she married you, and why it is that she treats you so coldly. Another possibility, though I wouldn't say I'd recommend it, is for you to give her back a little indifference. It sounds like you may have become a little too solicitous, and she may actually be annoyed by the amount of attention you give her. When she's resting, let her rest, don't touch her, even if it's to be affectionate. Give her a bunch of space, both physically and emotionally. And see if her attitude changes once she realizes you have also become indifferent.

Finally, to boost your spirits, read Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew" or watch any of the following movies: "Kiss Me Kate," "Beauty and the Beast," "Anna and the King" and if you're desperate: "The Beautician and the Beast." All of those movies are about one person in a relationship overcoming the chilly attitude of the other.

And let me know how it works out.

In the United States there was a sexual revolution that supposedly happened in the 1960s and 1970s. During that revolution, sex became less a sacred thing between husband and wife, and more a thing between two (or more) friends/strangers/acquaintances/cellmates. The funny thing was that, for a lot of women, it still wasn't fun. They were free to find as many sexual partners as possible, but those partners weren't able to get the women to orgasm. Then in the 1980s and 1990s, American women started focusing on enjoying themselves during sex. Instead of fulfilling their wifely obligations by letting their husbands grind away for two minutes, and roll over and fall asleep, they started insisting on a little "she" time. Shows like Sex and the City exposed the not-so-dirty little secret that women can be professionals, mothers, wives, etc, and still enjoy sex. The hard part, it turned out, was in getting their men to make a little effort. Unfortunately, in some places in the world, sex is still in the 1950s.


I've been married for six months. Both my husband and I had sex for the first time on our wedding night and I have never had an orgasm during sex. (And I know what an orgasm feels like because I masturbate). Every night is same for me: we have sex, my husband explodes within five minutes, and then it's over. He rolls over and falls asleep, and I masturbate to finish myself off. And it's not that he doesn't know about it. He knows very well that he has never given me an orgasm. At times he fingers me and helps me masturbate, but I want to enjoy sex as much as he does. Is it because of his penis? His penis is not that big. It's 5" and not that thick. I don't know what's wrong, please help me. I'm losing hope.


I'll be frank with you... your husband is just being lazy. It likely has very little to do with the size of his penis - 5" is only slightly below average. Unless it's really only as thick as a pencil, it's certainly big enough to do the job. The problem isn't the penis, it's the man.

In talking with a couple of girlfriends recently, they both wholeheartedly agreed that "he knows that first we take care of me, and then we take care of him." I think that your first move is to institute that rule in your house. It's lovely that he "fingers you and helps you masturbate" but if there's any chance of you having an intercourse-driven orgasm, it's only if you're already well on the way toward a non-vaginal orgasm. Get him to use his fingers and/or mouth to get you close to orgasm before he ever gets close himself. When you feel yourself getting very close, tell him then, and only then, is he allowed to put his penis inside. You'll also probably have better luck if you try having sex in positions in which the action of the penis going in and out of your vagina creates friction between your vaginal lips/clitoral hood and your clitoris. The best positions for this are generally ones where you have your legs tightly together - laying face down with your legs together, doggie-style with your legs tightly together, etc.

Another way for you to enjoy it more is to try a position where you or your husband can stimulate your clitoris while he's inside you. There are a lot of tantric methods that allow this, but probably the easiest is for him to lay on his back (men love this), and for you to straddle his hips. If you lean back while he's inside you, both you and he will have access to your clitoris - you can rub it like you normally do while masturbating, and you may find that the added sensation of his penis inside you will push you over the edge.

When it comes down to it, though, you need to tell your husband that sex isn't working for you. Communication in marriage is a two-way street - you say that he knows he has never given you an orgasm, but he may not know that it bothers you. Granted most men would be at least a little embarrassed if their wives had to resort to masturbation on a nightly basis, but it's possible he doesn't even know it's a problem. Tell him you want to try my suggestions because you think it's time you both enjoyed sex.

When I was a freshman in high school, there was a senior named Jonathan Fabb who everyone called Hoover. At the time, I had no idea why they called him that. He was kind of an idiot, so I sort of assumed that it was a "thinker" nickname because his classmates thought he sucked. When I finally asked my older brother, he explained that Jonathan had been found by a couple of his friends naked on the floor of his living room with a tank vacuum sucking vigorously on the head of his teenaged penis. Having neither a penis nor the inclination to stick it into the suction end of a vacuum, I have no idea whether it feels good or not… I just hope it was a wet-dry vacuum.


I am a twenty year old girl living in Pakistan. I've been in a relationship for the last two years, but it's basically a long-distance relationship. I lost my virginity last year. What I want to ask is that is there anything safe other than a dildo that I can use for masturbation? Dildos aren't very easily available here in this country, and I don't want to have to deal with customs if I order it from overseas. What do you think would be appropriate to use?


I'm not really the right person to say what's appropriate for you to use, but I will give you some suggestions, and you can decide what you think is appropriate. I think the most important thing to think about is your safety, so my first bit of advice is no matter what you decide to use, you should definitely go out and buy a stash of condoms to put over your chosen item. If there's some reason a condom won't work - there are sharp edges, abrasive textures, it's too big - it's probably not a good choice for use as a dildo anyway.

The first and probably most easily accessible option is some sort of fruit or vegetable that's properly shaped. A green banana, a properly sized cucumber, a carrot, cob of corn, zucchini… all should take a condom nicely, and work pretty well. Use of a condom is especially important with food items because if, by chance, some bit of the vegetable/fruit breaks off and ends up inside of you, it could cause a nasty bacterial or yeast infection. And the last thing you want to tell a gynecologist is that you're pretty sure you lost a bit of carrot up there. Also, with food items, you'll only want to use it once and throw it away afterwards.

Also easily accessible, and non-suspicion-raising, are things like the handles of screwdrivers, magic markers, some deodorant canisters, large makeup brushes, shampoo or lotion bottles, etc. Basically anything that is in the right shape and size. Look for things that have non-porous surfaces. Unlike with food items, you don't need to worry about leaving parts behind, but you do need to be mindful of sharp edges (on, say, magic markers or bottles). Again, I would suggest using a condom over the item because you have no idea what bacteria, etc, is on your screwdriver, marker, or bottle, and whether you use a condom or not, you should wash the item afterwards with an anti-bacterial soap.

Finally, some precautions: don't use anything breakable (i.e. glass), and if by chance you end up using your homemade dildo for anal penetration, keep in mind that you should only use items that have some sort of "flared" base. The vagina has a natural end-point (the cervix), but things can actually get lost in the rectum. Again, you don't want to be at the emergency room explaining things to a doctor.

As usual, I'd like to hear from the rest of you - both male and female - what methods and devices have you used to masturbate?

When you first get into a relationship, sex often happens spontaneously. Sometimes it's so spontaneous that neither of you is prepared for it. That can mean sex in semi-public situations, or in the middle of the night when one of you wakes up horny and wakes up the other. It's a heady time. And it can also mean throwing caution to the wind and going for it when, in the past, you've been patient and waited a couple of days. And then there are people who are up just about anything.


I am a 25-year old male from Pakistan. I have been in a relationship for the past three years and we are both pretty serious and happy together as well. We've both gone past the virginity divide. What I am curious about, more than anything, is whether a couple is able to have sex during a female is undergoing her periods. If yes, any precautions that I need to keep in mind?

Secondly, would it be safe to have sex when my wife-to-be is pregnant? I've heard of a few porn orientations to that end but I don't trust that mode for my sex facts. I wouldn't want to harm neither the baby nor my wife. If yes, up until which month is it safe to have sex? Again, any precautions?

Looking forward to a reply.


As to your first question, you certainly can have sex when your girlfriend/wife is having her period. Some women aren't comfortable doing it, and others have no issues with it, but my first advice would be not to assume that she will want to do it. If you decide you want to, ask her before you start in and make sure she's down with it. A lot of women are actually pretty horny while on their periods, and I've even heard that for some women, it's easier for them to orgasm while on their period. There are a couple of things to keep in mind if you're going to have sex while she's bleeding:

- Women have very distinctive flows. Some women may have particularly heavy bleeding on the first day of their period, and then light for other days, and vice versa. You'll probably want to find out from her which days are lighter, and try that first.

- Whether you do it on a light day or a heavy day, it's likely to be messy. Think about it when you're getting ready to have sex because you don't want to spend hours trying to get blood out of sheets, clothes and mattresses.

- You'll probably want to use some lubrication. It may seem like there's enough liquid in the vagina with the menstrual blood, but menstrual fluid isn't lubricating. In fact, it often has the opposite effect - even if she's horny and excited, the friction of intercourse could actually dry her vagina out, and it will make it uncomfortable for both of you.

- You'll also probably want to use a condom. Almost every guy I've ever talked to about this issue have had a weird reaction to finishing and finding blood all over their penis. If you are particularly vigorous, you'll probably end up with blood on your scrotum and thighs, but a condom will make it slightly less messy. A condom is also a decent protection against both STDs and pregnancy. Yes, she can still get pregnant if you have sex while she's on her period. The odds are pretty low but it can, and does, happen.

- Finally, as for oral sex (on her)… your on your own. I've heard of people who are into it, and they all say that a tampon is necessary.


And as for your second question, I'm glad to hear that porn isn't your source for sex advice, but you'll be happy to hear what I have to say about sex while pregnant. It's generally perfectly fine to do it, and most women can have sex, and orgasms, all the way through their ninth month of pregnancy. Here are a couple of things to think about, however.

- Again, listen to your wife's feelings and thoughts on the matter. In the first trimester, she may be too fatigued, nauseated, and anxious about a miscarriage to have sex. If she is, bide your time and know that after a few weeks pass, she will be in a better place physically and emotionally.

- In the second trimester, most women are feeling pretty good physically, and the hormonal surges that cause fatigue, etc, in the first trimester are over. Many women are very into sex, and actually find it more pleasurable than ever. Many report being able to climax easily and more often than usual.

- In the final few weeks of the pregnancy, you may find it awkward to have sex, but it can actually be helpful to your wife. When a baby is overdue, the hormones in semen can actually speed delivery along by sort of softening up the cervix.

- Experiment with new positions. You may find that the old positions you're used to with your wife aren't possible, so try some new things like her on top, or her on her knees. Women often feel better if they can control the depth of penetration while pregnant, so if she's feeling uncomfortable, switch things around.

- Finally, if she has any risk factors for premature delivery, you should talk very frankly with her obstetrician about sex. You should ask whether it's okay for her to have sex and/or orgasms, and if the doctor tells you it's not safe, listen to her.